


Don't Try to Wake Me in the Morning

by KrisLetang



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Anxiety, Barson, Depression, F/M, Graphic Description, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, M/M, Mutual Pining, Season/Series 17, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2020-01-14 20:20:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 61,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18483655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrisLetang/pseuds/KrisLetang
Summary: During his investigation into the Catholic Church, Rafael finds out about Olivia's relationship with Ed Tucker and it pushes him over the edge after a hard year. Check tags and notes.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story has heavy trigger warnings for discussions of Suicide, attempted suicide, child abuse, etc. Read at your own risk. There are graphic descriptions at times, especially in this first chapter.

Rafael was sitting in the dark in an unfamiliar bed, moonlight streaming through the window. He had one leg hanging over the side, blankets bunched up around his waist. There was a man beside him, sprawled out on his stomach, definitely asleep. The bedroom was cool, cooling the sweat that had stuck to his skin. He needed a shower badly. He pulled himself from the bed, his muscles protesting as he stood. He fished his trousers from the floor, stepping into them slowly, trying to be quiet. The man rolled over, but he didn’t say a word. Rafael didn’t think he’d be missed, but he didn’t want to take the chance that he’d be asked to stay. He couldn’t deal with it at the moment. He was ready to go home. He was tired, exhausted really, and all he wanted was to drink so much scotch that he wouldn’t remember his own name. He was used to the exhaustion. It had been plaguing him for nearly a year. This bone-deep tiredness that was so far down, sleep couldn’t actually touch it. He was tired of life.                                                
He was tired of the victims that he couldn’t get justice for, tired of going home to an empty apartment, tired of the guilt and the pain. His own mother was barely speaking to him, and he didn’t blame her. The guilt of his grandmother’s death was like a lead ball dragging him down into the depths of the ocean. He couldn’t breathe. It had been all his fault, but that was only a fraction of his self-loathing. 

Liv used to be his light. She brightened his world when everything looked dark. She showed him the way. Somehow, she would make all of the bad seem better, but now the light was stomped out. He was blind, shut out. He had hoped that meaningless sex might make him feel something, but he was still numb. He was numb and tired, and he felt so empty. He was so numb, it hurt, and he wasn’t sure that it was ever going to get better. The thought of Liv just made it worse, picturing her with  _ him, _ kissing  _ him _ , introducing  _ him  _ to Noah. It felt like Liv had ripped his heart out and stomped on it in one fell swoop, and he didn’t blame her. He knew he didn’t deserve her, but she was all he had ever wanted. 

He shivered when he went outside, pulling his coat tighter around himself. He was sore. His partner had been rougher than he was expecting, grabbing at his hair and pounding into him. He had let it all happen without complaint, including the hand that snaked around his neck, making his vision swim with firm pressure. He didn’t even remember the man’s name. 

He walked stiffly to a cab, taking a seat and hissing softly. As the car sped through the city, he began dreading his evening in a cold, lonely bed. He dreaded laying there all night, regretting every decision he’d ever made. He dreaded waking up in the morning to another miserable day. 

He was sure Liv hated him now. He had turned her into 1PP, and he wouldn’t blame her if she never spoke to him again. He hated himself. He hated himself for getting attached, for acting like a child, for ruining the one good thing in his life. He wished that he could just be happy with Liv being his best friend. She was a great friend, always looking out for him, but he always seemed to come up short on his end. He couldn’t look her in the eyes anymore. By the time the car stopped, he couldn’t think about it anymore. He was finished. 

The bodega down the street was still open. It wasn’t even that late yet. He’d left work a little bit early, moping at a bar and nursing a scotch while he felt sorry for himself. That had been where he’d met the man from earlier. It had been a long time since he went home with anyone, man or woman. He was growing desperate, desperate to find something that eased his pain. Now he was going to end it. 

It probably should have scared him that it wasn’t the first time he’d considered something like this. He’d always found a reason to go on though: for his mother, for his grandmother, for Liv, but now he didn’t have a reason. His mother hated him, his grandmother was dead because of him, and Liv surely hated him now too. He was alone and miserable, and there wasn’t a point anymore. He hated himself. It wasn’t hard to find what he was looking for, and he paid with his bank card, refusing to make eye contact with the cashier. He felt like a coward. 

He nodded at the doorman on the way up to his apartment. When he finally made it in the door, he dropped the plastic bag on the couch, starting to tidy up a little bit. He did the dishes that had been sitting in his sink for a few days. He cleaned up the papers that were strewn across his coffee table. 

He needed a drink. Or five. There was still a bottle of scotch in his cabinet, and he poured himself a generous amount. He hung his coat up, changing into some old sweats and a white undershirt. His mind was racing less. He felt more at ease than he had in weeks. Rafael made himself breathe as he filled the bathtub with warm water. He was scared out of his mind, but at the same time, he felt less anxious than he had in forever. After the tub was full, he retrieved the bag and his glass of scotch from the kitchen. He swallowed a Xanax and a few Advil, throwing back his scotch and getting another. 

It took a few minutes for him to get the razor blade out of its packaging, and then he stepped into the warm water, sinking down into with a sigh. He tried to relax a little bit, resting his head against the edge of the tub, sipping at his scotch. He let himself take some time to finish it, to prepare himself. He swallowed heavily as he looked down at his arms. He wanted to text Liv, to call her and say he was sorry, but he knew she wouldn’t want to hear his voice. Not after what he’d done to her. She was probably with Tucker anyways. 

He brought the little blade to his wrist, right hand shaking as he pressed it into his skin. The first cut hurt the worst. He couldn’t help but grit his teeth and cry out as he sliced through flesh, trying to push through the pain as he told himself it would be over soon. The red pooled in the water, turning it this awful pink color, and the metallic smell of blood made him sick to his stomach. He’d never liked the sight of blood. He could still see it, red and sticky, pouring from his mother’s nose as she sat on the floor sobbing. He could still feel it pooled on the floor as he laid there and tried to recover from a beating. He pushed hard on the blade, making sure the cut was deep before slicing a second line into his once smooth skin. 

He had to take a deep breath, to clear the haziness as he switched hands. He could barely grip the blade, his left hand feeling weak, and he wondered what he might have cut. It was hard to cut the right arm, but he managed one line that was much shallower than the other two. He was beginning to feel sleepy from the medication. He shut his eyes, dropping the razor blade on the edge of the bathtub. He was willing himself to pass out. Everything stung, but his eyes were feeling heavier and heavier, so he let them slide shut. He slowly slipped into sweet oblivion, grateful that all his pain would soon be gone. 

……………………….

Liv had been debating calling Rafael for hours. She had seen the hurt in his eyes. She was angry, there was no doubt, but she didn’t want to lose him. He was so important to her, and she knew that she had hurt him, had hurt their relationship, perhaps irreparably. Liv wasn’t sure that he would answer his phone if he saw her face flashing across the screen. It was best to confront him head-on, to corner him so he would have to talk to her.

Even though it was dark out, Liv called Lucy to see if she could watch Noah, and she put on her coat, driving toward Rafael’s apartment. She’d only been there a handful of times, but she knew the way. She hoped he would talk to her, let her try to explain herself. She wasn’t sure what she was going to say yet, but she knew she had to say something if there was any hope of saving their friendship.   
His doorman let her in. She’d been there before, and she flashed him her badge. When she made it up to his floor, she knocked on the door, but it just creaked open. Her heart dropped, fearing for his safety. Liv’s entire being was screaming at her that something was not right. Rafael was not that careless. When she went inside, it was dark. “Rafael?” she called, but there was no answer. She had her hand on her gun. There was a bottle scotch on his countertop. Opened. It was cleaner than the last time she was there. She knew he got busy a lot, and often, there were dishes in the sink, but they appeared to be away. Liv ventured further into the apartment, finding an abandoned plastic bag and torn up packaging. 

She went down the hall toward his bedroom, but it was empty so she turned toward the bathroom. “Rafael?” she called. Again, no answer. She opened the door cautiously. She could feel that something was very wrong. When she caught sight of him in the bathtub, slumped over in the water, she felt like she’d lost her voice. She felt dizzy. There was so much red as she slid to the floor beside him, feeling his neck, feeling the slight, faint thumping of his heart. There wasn’t much time. She grabbed him under the arms, muscles quivering as she tried to pull him from the lukewarm bathwater. “Oh, Rafa,” she whispered, feeling tears pricking her eyes. “Oh, honey.” The unspeakable pain that he must have been feeling to try something….she pushed the thought from her mind. She had to save him first, and then she could worry about what she’d missed, what he needed. The water was trying to keep him, and his body was dense and heavy with his wet clothes. She kept pulling, jerking back as he slumped against her, half out of the bathtub. Tendrils of his wet hair hit her skin, sticking to her as she tried to hold him up and pull him all the way out of the water. She finally managed to drag him onto the tile floor, yanking her phone out and hitting a button to dial 911. Her knees were slipping on the slick floor, puddles of water soaking through her clothes. She put it on speaker as she assessed his injuries. There were deep slashes in his wrists, blood pouring from the wounds. His left was much worse than his right, and she scrambled to take her jacket off and press it against them. 

“ _ 911, what’s your emergency?” _

“This is Lieutenant Benson, SVU. I need a bus immediately,” she said, trying to stay calm. She quickly yanked her belt out of the loops as she gave them Rafael’s address. She knew it would take longer get the ambulance there than to drive, but she was sure that she couldn't get him down to her car while maintaining pressure on the wounds. He was going to have to hold on. She used the belt as a tourniquet on his left arm, moving the jacket to put pressure on the right. He was pale, his shirt stained pink, and he looked small and boyish, his wet hair sticking to his forehead. Liv was trying not to cry, trying not to let her focus wander. The blood wasn’t slowing as much as she’d hoped, and seconds felt like minutes. “Please, Rafa, please. I’m begging you. Hold on. Help is on the way.” She was losing her grip on her emotions, tears pricking her eyes, starting to drip down her cheeks as she looked at her best friend, on the tile floor of his bathroom, soaked to the bone and covered in blood. 

When the paramedics finally arrived, Liv collapsed into full on sobs in the ambulance as they rushed to the hospital. Rafael was still out cold, his eyes shut, an oxygen mask over his face. She found herself sitting in the waiting room, alone, shaking, clutching a hot cup of coffee as she waited for word on Rafael. She was on the verge of a massive breakdown, but she couldn’t bring herself to call Tucker. It felt like a further betrayal to Rafael. It was after about a half hour that he realized she should call his mother. She didn’t actually know Lucia’s phone number though. She was trying to figure out how to get ahold of her when she was approached by two officers. “Lieutenant,” the younger one said. “We understand you found Mr. Barba. We have to take your statement.” 

“Have you talked to his mother?” she asked softly. 

“Yes ma’am, she’s on her way,” the younger officer said. She nodded. They took a seat close to her, and she wiped at her eyes. “Why were you in Mr. Barba’s apartment?” the man asked.

“He’s a friend of mine,” Liv said softly, hands rubbing up and down the coffee cup. She was trying to calm herself down, but the tears were stinging her throat. “We work together actually, and I needed to talk to him, so I went over there, but he left his door open. I knew something was wrong.” 

“Where did you find him?” they asked. Liv shook her head at the memory, a broken man slumped in a bathtub, covered in blood and barely alive. 

“In the bathtub,” she whispered. “The water was this awful pink-red color, and I--I just pulled him out. I called 911, and I tried to stop the bleeding,” Liv ran her fingers through her hair, trying not to sob. 

“Has he been acting strangely recently?” the officer asked. 

“Not that I noticed,” Liv said. She hated herself. She had shut him out, and somehow, she’d missed whatever it was that was going on in his mind.  

“Alright, thank you, Lieutenant,” the man said. Liv grabbed for her phone. She needed to call the squad, but she didn’t want to embarrass Rafael. She called Carisi, knowing he would never forgive her if something happened to Rafael, and she didn’t tell him. 

“Lieu?” his voice sounded sleepy. “Is there a case. I can--Let me just get dressed. I’ll be there--” 

“No Carisi, there isn’t a case,” she said softly. “It’s Barba. I found him--Look, just come to the hospital. I’m not sure how he’s doing.” 

“I’ll be right there,” Carisi said, sounding much more awake. Liv hung up, sipping her coffee again, and trying to stay calm. She felt like she couldn’t breathe. She was crying again when Carisi finally arrived, and he looked at her, his eyes wide. His mouth opened, but no sound came out. It was long moments before he found his voice. “Is Barba…” he trailed off. She shook her head, wiping at her eyes. 

“He’s not dead,” she whispered. “Not that I know of. I’m waiting to hear from his doctor.” 

“What the hell happened?” Sonny asked, sitting beside her. 

“I went over to talk to him. We had a fight earlier, and I just wanted to make things right, but he--” Liv dropped her head into her hands. ‘I found him in the bathtub, Sonny. He slashed his wrists.” Sonny stared at her for a second before he looked away, shaking his head. 

“How bad?” he asked. “Do you think he’s going to make it out of this?” 

“I don’t know Sonny. It looked bad. There was so much blood, and he was barely breathing,” Liv said. They were both quiet after that until a doctor came out, scanning the room. 

“Mrs. Barba?” he asked, looking at Olivia. 

“She’s not here yet,” Liv said. 

“We’re taking Mr. Barba to surgery. It’s going to be hours. You may want to get some rest and come back. If Mrs. Barba has specific questions when she arrives, ask the nurse to page me,” the doctor said. “I’m Doctor Cooper, by the way.”                                                                                                                                                           
“Thank you,” Liv said softly, sniffling. Sonny put a hand on her shoulder.                                                                                                                                                      
“Do you want me to take you home?” he asked, but she shook her head.                                                                                                                                                      
“He needs someone here. I’m not leaving him,” she replied. She was soaked, her shirt practically see-through under her jacket, but she didn’t care at all.                                 
“I’m going to go get some food for us both. I’ll stay here with you until there’s news,” Sonny said, and Liv nodded, feeling numb. She felt like she was sitting there, twiddling her thumbs while Rafael slipped away from her. She couldn’t lose him.                                                                                                                                                         
She tried to distract herself with work emails, but nothing would take the tight knot in her belly away. She found herself in the bathroom, dry heaving before Sonny made it back. She couldn’t get him out of her head, slumped over in that bathtub, looking so pale. Blood was everywhere, and she felt actual bile rising in her throat. She leaned over the ceramic bowl, emptying the contents of her stomach.                                                                                                                                                                            
She sniffled, wiping her face afterward, tears still blurring her vision. He had to pull through.                                                                                                                         
After Elliot had left, Liv had told herself she wasn’t going to open up to anyone anymore, but then Rafael waltzed into her life with his annoying charm and sarcasm, and he stubbornly weaseled his way into her heart. She couldn’t take another hit. She couldn’t lose him. It would rattle her, shatter her beyond repair. He was her best friend. There was a limited number of people she had allowed into her little family, and he was one. He was one who she trusted, and she had hurt him.                                                       
Whether it was her fault or something else, something had hurt him so badly, he’d tried to end everything, and Liv couldn’t breathe when she thought about the pain he must’ve been feeling. It hurt her heart.                                                                                                                                                                                                      
She barely ate anything that Sonny brought. Her appetite was gone. All she could see, all she could think about was the bright red blood on his arms.   
When Lucia Barba showed up, she looked frazzled. Liv stood. “Lieutenant Benson,” she said. “What happened to my son?” Liv wasn’t sure she could say it. Liv couldn’t hold her tears back.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        
“They took him to surgery,” Sonny said, standing up. “We can call the doc if you’d like to talk to him.”                                                                                                           
“Surgery? Is he okay?” She asked. “Did he have a heart attack? I told him about his cholesterol levels--”                                                                                                        
“Maybe you should speak with his doctor or Rafael when he wakes up,” Sonny said. If he wakes up, Liv thought. I’ll go have them page him," Sonny said.                                 
“They said you found him,” she said, looking right at Liv. “Please tell me what happened.” Liv couldn’t. She just started crying again.                                                               
“I’m sorry,” Liv said. “Please excuse me.” She went to the bathroom again, letting the sobs out. She couldn’t breathe.                                                                                    
When she pulled herself together and returned, it was obvious someone had told Lucia. She was sitting in a chair, eyes reddened by tears, and Liv took a seat a few chairs over. “Thank you for saving him.” Lucia’s voice was full of tears, hoarse.                                                                                                                                                      
“Of course,” Liv whispered. _I wish I could have helped him before._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's kinda short. Sorry. I'm going to answer all your comments tomorrow. Rn I really need sleep.

“They said they think he’s going to pull through,” Lucia said. That sent a surge of relief throughout Liv’s body. 

It was silent after that, and Liv didn’t have the energy to try and do work again. She just sat there until the doctor finally came out. “We controlled the bleeding,” he said. “Rafael is in recovery, but he’s very agitated right now. He’s lost a lot of blood. He’s going to be weak for a few days. I want to keep him overnight at least. I’ve called a psych consult down. You can come see him if you’d like provided he doesn’t get too worked up.” 

“Thank you,” Lucia said softly. 

“He’ll probably be drowsy, perhaps angry. And um, Lieutenant, you work with Special Victims right?” The Doctor asked. Liv nodded. “Can I speak with you?” Liv stood up, a feeling of dread settling into her stomach. Had she missed something awful happening to Rafael? Did that explain everything that was happening? She walked with the doctor so they could talk in private. “Mr. Barba has some bruising that made the nurse want to examine him. I think you should speak with him about a rape kit. He has some bleeding and bruising. Of course, I don’t know anything for sure, but I thought I would mention it to you.” 

“I’ll talk to him,” Liv said. “How is he?” 

“Agitated,” the man said. “I’m not sure how he’ll react to company. He’s still coming out of the anesthesia. I’ll walk you to his room.” Liv followed the man down a few hallways, and once they reached the room, she could hear Lucia talking to him inside. 

“How could you do this to me, Rafi? After everything I’ve been through in the last year and a half?” Her voice was harsh, and Liv felt a surge of overprotectiveness consume her. He didn’t need to be berated right now. This had come out of a place of desperation. 

“I’m sorry, Mami.” His voice was so soft, so sad and defeated, and Liv had to stop this. 

“Sorry to interrupt,” she said. “I have to have a conversation with Rafael.” 

“And Mrs. Barba, I have a few things to discuss with you,” Dr. Cooper said. Lucia nodded before going out into the hall. Liv pulled the door shut, taking a seat on the edge of Rafael’s bed. He looked pale and exhausted, dark circles under his eyes. His arms were bandaged, the left enclosed in a splint, and she could see the bruises developing on his neck. 

“Hey,” she said softly. 

“What are you doing here?” He asked, picking at the blanket. 

“I’m here because I care about you Rafael,” Liv said softly. He sniffled, refusing to meet her eyes. “I came looking for you. I wanted to talk,” she said softly. 

“You found me?” He asked softly, and she nodded. “Why did you save me?” His voice broke, and with it, so did her heart. 

“Because, Rafa—” His facial features hardened, and Liv wondered if she even had the right to call him that anymore. She’d apparently broken something deep inside of him, or she’d at least broken their friendship catastrophically. “Rafael, you deserve to live.” He shook his head sadly, but he didn’t say anything else. “I have to ask you a couple of questions,” Liv said. “Can you tell me what happened to your neck?”

His face flushed red, and she hoped that he wouldn’t be embarrassed if he was attacked. She also knew that it was so easy to feel like it was your fault. “Rafa-Rafael, if something happened, you don’t have to be embarrassed.” 

“What?” He asked, his eyes shooting to meet her own. 

“The doctor wanted me to talk to you. He said you had some bruising, some bleeding. It looks like someone choked you,” Liv said. There were finger-shaped bruises painted across his neck. She’d seen ones like them far too many times. 

“Liv, I wasn’t—it was consensual,” he said softly, his face beet red. 

“Are you sure?” Liv asked softly. She didn’t want him to hide it if something happened. She wasn’t sure she could believe him. He just nodded, refusing to say anymore on the subject. “Rafael, I’m here for you right now,” Liv said. He didn’t say anything. “I’m not sure how long you’re going to have to stay here, but you’re welcome to come stay with me and Noah afterward.”

“What do you mean you don’t know how long I’ll have to stay here?” Rafael asked softly. 

“Honey--” Liv cringed at herself. She hadn’t meant to sound condescending. “You hurt yourself. They may have to keep you on a psych hold for a little bit. You’d be better off to agree voluntarily to stay.” He turned away, but Liv could see the tears in his eyes. She was quiet, reaching out a hand to touch his. It was only moments before the sobs overtook him, and he rolled on his side, hiding his face as his body shook. 

“I--I can’t even do this right,” he mumbled. 

“Rafa,” Liv said softly. “It’s going to be okay. You can get through this. I know it seems hard right now, but it can get better.” He shook his head, and then he started pulling at the bandages on his arms, and Liv reached to stop him, but he yanked his wrist from her hand, yanking at the velcro straps of the splint until he managed to remove it and tearing the bandages off of himself. She smacked the nurse call button as he started ripping at his stitches. It was moments before the nurses made it into the room, grabbing for him, but he started screaming and flailing. Liv had to stand up. His arm was bleeding again, she could see the red, but the nurses were trying to calm him down. Finally, someone injected something into the IV, and he passed out within moments. Liv ended up having to leave the room, and she sighed tiredly, unsure of what to do. Lucia was nowhere to be seen, and Liv felt like her throat was closing up in panic, panic for him. She was angry and upset. All she wanted to do was cry and promise him it was going to be okay, but she’d only managed to make it worse somehow. The doctor came out of the room, looking at her sympathetically. 

“He should be out for a while. I think I’m going to have to write an order for arm restraints,” Dr. Cooper said. “I have to restitch his left arm.” 

“I’m sorry,” she said softly. 

“He’s in a rocky place right now. Don’t blame yourself. I’m hoping we can get him started on some medication, get a psych consult, and see where we’re at,” the doctor said. “Did he say about the rape kit?” 

“He doesn’t want it. Whatever happened, he claims it was consensual,” Liv said. “Can I come back later?” 

“I’d like it if you would. His mother left. She seemed to be upsetting him anyways. Maybe he’ll respond better to you,” the doctor said. 

“Call me if he wakes up. I’m going to run home and see my son for a little while. I’ll be back in the morning,” Liv said, giving the man her card. He nodded, and Liv went out to her car, wanting to go home and see Noah. 

………………….

Rafael felt drowsy. He wasn’t entirely sure what was happening or where he was as he blinked, opening his eyes. His face was itchy, but when he tried to scratch it, his arm caught on something. Both his arms weren’t moving more than a few inches, and his heart started to race out of his chest. He yanked on the restraints, eyes opened, and he felt panic consuming him. There were velcro cuffs secured around his wrists, restricting his movement in the hospital bed, and everything came tumbling back. He’d tried to kill himself, failed miserably, and now he was stuck in the hospital, restrained and miserable. They thought he was crazy. “Rafael?” His eyes were wide as they snapped to the face of an unfamiliar woman. “Hi, I’m your nurse, Jackie, it’s going to be okay. I’m just going to take your vitals quickly.” He let her do as she pleased, trying to calm his racing mind. “How are you feeling?” she asked. 

“Why is this happening?” he whispered softly. 

“You tore your stitches,” she said gently. “The doctor will be in soon to reevaluate you, and maybe they can come off, okay? You just need to calm down a little bit.” Rafael nodded, but he felt panicked. There were tears in his eyes, threatening to fall, and he shut them to try and avoid crying again. 

…………………

Liv felt better when she made it back to the hospital. She was refreshed, she had a book in her bag, and she was going to spend the day at Rafael’s side if he would let her. No one deserved to be lonely and alone in the hospital. She made her way to his room after signing in, knocking on the door, and there was a soft answer. “Come in.” He sounded awful. She opened the door, stopping short when she saw the restraints on his wrists. His face was stained with tears, and Liv entered the room. “Are you alright?” she asked softly. “Are they going to take these off?” 

“I did try to pull my stitches out,” Rafael said. She could see his body shaking softly. It was obvious he was upset. She could practically feel his anxiety in the room. 

“It’s alright. I’ll talk to the doctor,” Liv said. “I’m going to stay here with you if that’s okay.” Rafael nodded. 

“L-Liv,” he said softly. “I’m scared. This is--this is all a lot.” 

“I know,” Liv said. “It’s okay. Take a deep breath.” She went over to his bed, rubbing his arm gently. Liv pulled the chair closer to his bedside, setting her things down. 

“T-They said the doctor would be in soon,” he said. 

“I’m sorry I left you here,” Liv said softly. “I thought your Mom would come back to be with you.” 

“I’m sure she’ll be back,” Rafael said softly. “You have more important things to worry about it too anyways.” 

“I can’t think of too many things that would fall above this on my list of priorities,” Liv said. She could tell he didn’t believe her though. 

“How’s Noah?” he asked. 

“Good,” Liv said. “I left him with Lucy. She’s going to keep an eye on him for me.” 

“I’m sorry,” Rafael said softly. “I’m sorry you’ve been dragged into this. I just wanted it to be….” he trailed off, shutting his eyes. Liv didn’t know what to say. “You should have let me die, Liv. It would have been better. You weren’t supposed to find me.” It was a couple of moments before Dr. Cooper came in. 

“It’s good to see you up, Rafael. How do you feel?” He asked. 

“I’d like to get these off,” he said softly. Normally, there would be some humor or even annoyance laced into his voice, but it was just small and defeated. 

“I can’t have you ripping out stitches again,” the doctor said. “Can we make an agreement? I’ll take the restraints off if you can promise me you won’t try to reopen the wounds on your arm. You can’t hurt yourself.” Rafael had tears on his face, but he nodded. 

Dr. Cooper gently removed the wrist restraints, and Liv felt Rafael relax some almost immediately. “Are you hungry?” Dr. Cooper asked. “The nurse can bring you some breakfast.” 

“I guess,” Rafael said softly. 

“We have a few things to talk about,” Dr. Cooper said. “Is it alright if Olivia is here when we discuss it? Or would you like some privacy?” 

“She can stay,” he said softly. Liv wasn’t going to leave him if he wanted her there. 

“You injured multiple structures in your left wrist, two tendons, you nicked an artery. The nerve damage was unclear. You could have a loss of sensation and strength. At this point, we’re not entirely sure of the prognosis. You could potentially regain most of the function, but you will definitely need physical therapy, occupational therapy, and to follow all of your discharge instructions, understood?” Rafael nodded, and Liv’s heart went out to him. “A staff psychiatrist will be in to speak with you in a little bit, but I suspect you’re going to have to stay with us for a few days. It’s a precaution. As soon as we feel you aren’t a threat to yourself, we’ll discharge you. I have you started on some antidepressants, antibiotics, and plenty of pain medication. If you need anything, you can call the nurse with the button. Any questions?” 

“How long could I be here?” Rafael asked. 

“72 hours before we would have to get a court order. You may be here shorter than that. It just depends,” Dr. Cooper explained. Rafael nodded. “Alright, the psychiatrist will be in some time today. In the meantime, try to relax and get some rest. You need it.” 

“Rafa,” Liv said, “I’m gonna run to the bathroom, I’ll be right back, okay?” He nodded, hands folded over the blanket. He was playing with one of the velcro straps on the splint. 

Liv didn’t take long in the bathroom, five minutes at the most, but when she returned to the room, Lucia was inside with an unfamiliar man, and Rafael looked distressed. “Rafi, I brought Father Mike to take your confession,” Lucia said. “What you did was wrong, and I know you know that.” 

“Lucia, I don’t know—” Father Mike started to say. 

“No, Rafi knows that he was acting selfishly,” Lucia interrupted. 

Rafael grabbed at his head, closing his eyes, and Liv could see him trying to hold tears back. “Make it stop,” he whispered. “Mom, please I-I can’t—”

“If you could cut yourself with a razor blade, you can talk about it,” she said sternly. 

“Now may not be the best time,” Father Mike said. 

“He doesn’t need time, he needs absolution,” Lucia argued. 

“Stop,” Liv said, stepping in. Rafael had rolled on his side, hiding his face. His body was shaking. 

“Lieutenant, I appreciate you saving my son’s life, but you have no right—”

“Rafael asked me to be here. Look at him. You’re making this worse,” Liv said. 

“This is none of your concern.” The other woman’s voice was harsh and pointed, but Liv wasn’t afraid of her. She was grateful that Dr. Cooper chose that moment to enter the room. 

“Mrs. Barba,” he said softly. “We can’t have you here if you’re distressing him. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” 

“You have no right-”

“I don’t want to have to call security,” the doctor said. She glared, but left finally, and Liv sat next to Rafael, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder. 

“She’s gone Rafael,” she said, but he just shook his head, curling in on himself and making his body small. 

“I can’t do this,” he whispered. “It’s too much. All of it-” his voice broke as he stopped talking. 

“Rafael, try to calm down,” Liv said. He was rocking himself slightly. 

“I—I can’t do this,” he whispered. He was starting to pull at his hair a little bit, and Dr. Cooper came closer. 

“Deep breaths Rafael, I think I’m going to add something for anxiety,” Dr. Cooper said. “I need you to relax a little bit. I don’t want to have to sedate you.” 

“I can’t breathe,” Rafael whispered. Liv reached over to rub Rafael’s back. He started to calm down some, but he was still tense and upset. 

“Alright,” Dr. Cooper said. “It’s okay. Let’s try and sit up. Do you think you can do that?” 

“I don’t know,” Rafael whispered, his voice watery. 

“Rafa, look, I know this isn’t easy, but you’re going to be okay. She’s gone. It’s just us now,” Liv said softly. 

“I can take her off your approved list of visitors. Would that help?” Dr. Cooper asked. Rafael shook his head. 

“I-I don’t know,” he said, barely restrained panic in his voice. 

“Rafa, okay,” Liv said softly. “Maybe you shouldn’t be making decisions right now. Would you let me help you out?” Liv asked. “I can help you make some decisions until you feel better.” 

“Okay,” Rafael whispered. If he knew one thing, it was that he trusted Liv to help him. When he was feeling uncertain about everything else, he knew that Liv would help him even if she’d hurt him before. “R-Rita has power of attorney in case something would happen. I guess I should call her,” he said softly. “I-I just didn’t want my mom to have it. I didn’t really have anyone else.” 

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me,” Liv said. There was a knock on the door, interrupting their conversation, and a nurse was bringing him something to eat. Rafael mostly just stared at the food. “I’m going to call Rita then if that’s alright.” 

“Sure,” he whispered, pushing some oatmeal around in a bowl. He looked so defeated, his shoulders slumped, and Liv wished she could help him more. She wasn’t sure what to say or do that might make him feel better. 

She kept the phone call with Rita rather short, and the lawyer agreed to come to the hospital to work out the papers with them. When Liv hung up, Rafael still hadn’t taken a bite of his food. “Hey, if you eat that, maybe we could go for a walk. I know that would be better than being cooped up in this hospital room.” He shrugged. “Is there anything that would help?” Liv asked. He shrugged again. Liv sighed, sitting back in the chair. She was determined to find something that might cheer him up. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, here's the next chapter. Enjoy!

Rafael was doing a lot of sleeping. They had him heavily medicated with all the pain medicine, the antidepressants, Xanax, and a light sedative to help him sleep. He was very quiet. He hadn’t spoken all afternoon, and Liv took the time to call Noah and look at work emails. The doctors checked in with him every hour, but he wasn’t even saying much to them. He’d spoken briefly with the psychiatrist, but he was out of it, so they decided they wanted to talk to him again soon before making a final decision. She sighed, clicking on another email before peeking up at Rafael whose eyes were open. They were filled with tears, and he sniffled. “Hey,” Liv said softly. 

“Hi,” he whispered. It was the first she’d heard his voice in hours. “I don’t feel very well,” he whispered. 

“I’ll call the doctor,” Liv said softly. She found a nurse who came to look at Rafael after paging for Dr. Cooper. Rafael looked pale and clammy and he was shaking. 

“Liv,” he whispered. 

“I’m here,” she said softly as Dr. Cooper arrived. He took one look at Rafael before he picked up his pace. 

“I was hoping we would avoid a transfusion. He was borderline, but he’s taking a turn for the worst,” Dr. Cooper said. “Rafael, listen to me, it’s going to be alright. We need to get you some blood, okay?”

“No,” Rafael sobbed. “Just let me die.” 

“Rafa, come on, don’t talk like that,” Liv said. “Can you let them do the transfusion. For me?” He didn’t answer right away, and she began to feel panicked. 

“Okay,” he finally whispered. He looked terrible, so Liv squeezed his hand as they slipped an oxygen mask over his face. A nurse took his blood very quickly to type it, but Dr. Cooper looked at her. 

“I already did that in case. He’s A negative,” Dr. Cooper said. “Get blood immediately.” Liv stroked a hand through Rafael’s hair, trying to keep him calm. 

“It’s going to be okay,” she whispered. He had tears streaming down his cheeks, and he shut his eyes. 

Liv’s heart felt like it was beating out of her chest as she squeezed Rafael’s hand tight and prayed that he would make it through this. She was rubbing his arm gently as they waited for the blood, and every second felt like an hour. He looked so weak and small in the hospital bed, clinging to life. Finally, the nurse burst in the room with blood, and Dr. Cooper worked on hooking Rafael up to it. Liv squeezed his hand again as the needle pierced his skin, and he made a slight face of discomfort, but then he relaxed. “It’s going to be okay now,” she promised him. He seemed too exhausted to open his eyes, much less answer her.   
“He’s not going to feel well for a little bit,” Dr. Cooper said. “I might give him a heavier sedative to help him get some rest for tonight.”   
“Maybe hold off on that, just for a little bit,” Liv said. She didn’t want them drugging Rafael up if it wasn’t completely necessary.   
“If he wakes up, have a nurse page me. I want to check him out,” Dr. Cooper said. Liv nodded, still holding tight to Rafael’s hand. She hated all the pain he was going through, and she wanted to help him, but she wasn’t sure how. 

……………………

Rafael blinked, the bright light making his head hurt. He heard soft voices somewhere near him, and when he finally managed to sit up a little bit, he saw Liv and Rita talking softly. There was something in his nose.  _ A cannula _ , his tired brain supplied. He blinked a few times, trying to calm down and orient himself. “Hey Rafa,” Liv said softly. He blinked. “Do you want some water?” He nodded, and she grabbed a cup, holding it out for him to take. He felt weak though, and when he took the cup, he dropped his arm against the bed, trying to recover. He felt a little better than he had before, but he was still wiped out. He’d really done himself in. “Do you want some help, Rafa?” Liv asked softly. He nodded after a moment, and Liv held the cup for him, bringing the straw to his lips. 

“Rafael,” Rita said with a soft smile from beside the bed. There was something tense in her smile. She knew. He knew she knew. He had done this to himself. Every time anyone looked at him, they were going to get that uncomfortable look on their face. 

“Hi Rita,” he whispered. “Sorry to drag you down here.” It was an attempt at some humor, something to mask the hurt that went further down than the skin he’d sliced. It was so deep, he didn’t know what could possibly touch it. 

“How are you feeling?” she asked gently. 

“I’ve been better,” he said softly. Rita made a face before turning to Liv. 

“Could we have a moment alone?” she asked, and Liv nodded. 

“I’ll be back soon, Rafa. I’m going to get a coffee, and they wanted to check on you when you woke up,” Liv said. Rafael nodded at her, toying with his blanket with his working hand. Rita came a step closer, but he couldn’t look her in the eyes. He felt tears welling in his, and he dug his nails into the palm of his hand, trying to get a handle on his emotions. 

“Can I sit?” Rita asked softly. He nodded, trying to wipe the tears with his right hand. He swiped the back of his hand across his cheek, trying to stop crying, to stop feeling sorry for himself. “Rafael, look at me. Whatever you need, I’m here. I will help you.” 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, dropping his head as his breathing began to pick up. 

“I’m not angry with you,” Rita said. “I don’t pity you.” She knew him too well. She could read his thoughts almost. “I just want to help you if you’ll let me.” He nodded, wiping at his eyes again. 

“Liv said she’d help me with decisions,” he said softly. “I didn’t want to bother you.” 

“You aren’t. You wouldn’t have been. If you want Liv to handle things, I’ll sign it right over to her, but I don’t mind helping if you need it,” Rita told him. 

“I don’t know what to do,” Rafael whispered. “I don’t know how to handle anything right now.” 

“Okay, it’s okay. Maybe we can just put Liv on as well,” Rita said. “I don’t want to overwhelm you. We can revisit this in a little bit, and you can change your mind whenever you want.” Rita patted his arm, and he nodded, still sniffling. “How about once you’re out of here, you and I are going to get lunch. Once a week.” He nodded. “I am glad to know you, Rafael. Please hang in there.” 

“I’ll try,” he whispered. 

…………………..

Rafael was tired of being poked and prodded. He was tired of talking to doctors and feeling like he was under a microscope. He was just so tired of everything. Liv had been sitting with him which was comforting. It was good that he wasn’t alone. He thought that might drive him crazy. He was almost afraid to check his phone and see what messages his mother might have left for him. He wasn’t even sure where he’d put his phone if he was being honest with himself. He was spending a lot of time staring at walls and half listening as Liv asked him questions and tried to rope him into a conversation. He was tired, and he felt miserable like he was constantly on the verge of crying. 

All the attention was embarrassing. He wondered what people might have been thinking about him. He was angry with himself for being so selfish and failing so miserably. “Rafa,” Liv’s voice started him. He turned on his back, looking at her. 

“Hmm?” he asked softly.

“I just um...I wanted to say that I’m sorry,” Liv said. “I’m sorry for not telling you about Tucker and I know I hurt you.” 

“It’s not your fault,” Rafael whispered. “Please, don’t feel bad. I acted like a child. I want you to be happy.” 

“And I want you to be happy,” Liv said softly. Rafael smiled softly. He wasn’t sure if that was possible anymore. “Do you want to watch some tv? I can get you something from home too if you want it.” 

“I don’t know what I want,” he whispered. “I guess we could try some tv.” Liv smiled, clicking on the little tv that was in the corner of the room. Rafael pressed the control so the head of the bed would raise up. “Ow,” he whispered, wincing. Liv stood up almost immediately. 

“What do you need?” she asked. 

“Pillows,” he said softly. “I need a pillow for my arm.” Liv grabbed a pillow, helping him to prop his left arm up more. She eased a pillow behind him too to help him sit up better. 

“Better?” Liv asked. 

“Yeah,” he said softly. “Thank you.” He turned his attention back to the tv. Liv was flipping through channels, trying to find something interesting. 

“Noah likes this show,” she said softly with a laugh as she passed a cartoon. 

“How is Noah?” he asked. He hadn’t seen him in awhile. 

“He’s good. He’s talking a lot more, but it’s still not quite where I would hope. I swear he’s growing bigger every day,” Liv said softly. “I’m sure he’d love to see you.” 

“I miss him,” he said softly. 

“I’m making arrangements for you to stay with us, but I just wanted to make sure that’s still alright with you,” Liv said softly. Rafael nodded. He wasn’t sure he could stand being alone in his apartment again, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to put everyone through this again. Not like this. Next time, he would be sure. He just had to gut it out for a little bit longer, get his strength back, and he could finish this. He didn’t want to keep being a burden. 

“Liv,” he said softly. She looked at him. “Thank you for being here with me.” He wasn’t sure he could survive being locked up in a psych ward all by himself. It would actually drive him insane. 

“I’m glad I can be here with you,” Liv said softly, reaching for his right hand. She squeezed his hand. 

“Maybe you should go home and see Noah though,” he said. 

“Later. Maybe I can have Lucy swing by with him so I can see him for a couple minutes. He’s going to stay with Amanda tonight. It’ll be fun,” Liv said. Rafael didn’t have it in him to argue even if he felt bad that Liv was staying with him 24/7. 

A soft knock on the door interrupted them, and Rafael looked up to see Sonny poke his head in. “Hi,” the detective said softly. “How are ya feeling Barba?” he asked. “Is now a bad time? I can go.” 

“No,” Rafael said. “You can come in if you want.” 

“I uh, I brought you something. I thought you might be bored all cooped up in here, so uh...here,” Carisi said, holding out a book. Rafael took it with his right hand, inspecting the present.  _ The Waves _ by Virginia Woolf. He’d seen the book before, considered reading it even, but he’d never gotten around to it. “I hope you haven’t read it before,” Sonny said. 

“I uh--I haven’t,” Rafael responded. “Thanks Carisi.” 

“Are you feeling any better?” Carisi asked. 

“Than when I slashed my wrists?” Rafael asked. “Yes, thanks for asking.” His tone was laced with some light sarcasm and humor, and Liv smiled softly. 

“When are they gonna let you out of this place?” Sonny asked.

“A couple days hopefully,” Rafael said. “They just want to make sure I won’t try to amputate my own hand again.” Liv laughed softly before she heard her phone buzz. She looked down at it, frowning. 

_ I’m in the waiting room. _

It was from Tucker. She glanced down at it once more before sighing. “Rafael, are you going to be alright if I step out for a couple minutes?”

“Yeah,” Rafael said softly. 

“Carisi, can I speak to you in the hall for just a few moments,” Liv said. Carisi nodded, and Liv led him out of the room. “I need to go downstairs really quick and take care of something. I need you to stay with him.” 

“Yeah, no problem,” Carisi said. 

“You cannot get him worked up. You have to keep him distracted,” Liv said. “Try to get him talking.” 

“I hear you loud and clear Lieu,” Carisi said. 

“Do not annoy him,” Liv said dangerously. 

“I won’t,” Carisi promised. Liv sighed, rubbing her face tiredly. 

“I will be right back, okay?” She said. 

“He’ll be fine with me, Liv,” Sonny said. Liv nodded. 

“Thank you.” She headed down to the elevator, wondering what was so important that Tucker felt the need to come to the hospital. When she made it down to the lobby, he was standing there, hands shoved in his pockets. “Ed,” she said. “What are you doing here?” 

“I came to check on you,” he said, and she let him pull her against his chest for a moment. “You’ve been here for a long time, Liv. I think you need to go home.” 

“I can’t,” Liv said. “Rafael needs someone here with him.” 

“It doesn’t have to be you. You don’t have to save the whole world, Olivia. You’ve been here long enough. Come home,” Tucker said. Liv didn’t like his tone. Couldn’t he see that Rafael was all alone? Couldn’t he see the guilt in her eyes? Shouldn’t he know that this was important? 

“Ed, I need to stay here with Rafael. He needs me,” she said softly. 

“He is not your responsibility just because he decided to try and kill himself,” Tucker said. “He made a choice, and you are not responsible for it.” 

“He made a choice from a place of desperation, and he has no one else with him,” Liv said. Her voice was growing agitated. Blaming Rafael for this was wrong. She knew he would only do this if he felt completely cornered, completely miserable. He had been desperate. 

“Are you sure he wasn’t trying to get your attention?” Tucker asked. Liv saw red. 

“What did you just say?” she asked dangerously, her eyes ablaze. 

“You told him about us today? Have you ever considered that he might be jealous?” Tucker asked, not backing down. 

“No, stop right there. I am not listening to you talk about him that way. Don’t you dare,” Liv said softly. “I said no. I’m staying here.” 

“Liv,” Tucker said. 

“ _ No. _ ” That was the end of the conversation. Liv walked away before she would completely lose her temper. She was angry. She was so angry, she didn’t know what to do with herself. Her hands were shaking. How  _ dare _ he say that about Rafael. She couldn’t understand why Tucker thought that was necessary, why he would say that about Rafael. All she had to do was take one look at her best friend to see how deep the hurt ran in his bones. To insinuate that it would be for  _ attention _ was completely ridiculous. She ignored her buzzing phone, stalking off to the cafeteria to get some coffee. She paid for the drink, taking a seat and sipping her latte. She didn’t want to tempt Rafael or torture him with something he couldn't have. She was sure he was probably having withdrawal headaches from a lack of caffeine. She finished her latte before heading back to Rafael’s room. He was sitting up, playing with his blanket with one hand, a nervous tick he seemed to have developed. It was like a way for him to let out some of the anxiety. He was very twitchy. Sonny was talking about something, one of his law school classes it seemed, and Rafael appeared to be listening. He didn’t seem worked up which she was grateful for. 

“Does that sound like a good idea?” Sonny asked. 

“I think in theory it’s alright. It’s just you might want to think about it more broadly,” Rafael said softly. 

“Do you think you could read the paper when I’m done with it? If you’re feeling better that is,” Sonny asked. 

“Sure,” Rafael said. “I’ll break out my red pen.” Liv smiled at the small attempt at humor. 

“Next time, I’ll bring you a law review or something to keep you busy,” Sonny said. Rafael snorted. 

“Hopefully I’ll be out of here by then,” Rafael said softly. Liv smiled at that. 

“Okay, I’ll get out of your hair,” Sonny said softly. Liv smiled at the detective, mouthing a soft  _ thank you _ . Sonny nodded at her. 

“Thanks for the book, Sonny,” Rafael said from the bed. 

“Sure thing, Barba. Just uh--I’m here if you need anything,” Sonny said.

“Thanks,” Rafael said again. Liv smiled. 

When the detective left, Liv took a seat beside his bed. “How are you feeling, Rafa?” Liv asked softly. 

“A little better. I think whatever they’re pumping into me is helping,” Rafael said softly. “I don’t know.” He was quiet for a couple minutes. “You should head home to see Noah and Tucker,” he said softly. 

“I already saw Tucker,” Liv said softly. He made a little face, his hand tightening in the blanket. Liv cursed at herself internally. She was trying not to work him up, but her own feelings were becoming a problem. 

“I’m sorry if I’m causing any problems,” Rafael whispered. 

“You’re not,” Liv assured him, gently touching his shoulder. 

“I know I am,” he said. “I don’t want to get in the way. Listen, I was wrong.” 

“No, Rafa,” Liv said, but he shook his head, looking away, tears welling up in his eyes. “Maybe we should talk about this another time. I don’t want to get you all upset.” He nodded, wiping at his eyes, but lifting his arm pulled at his IV. He was uncomfortable. His arms hurt, so he pressed on the morphine pump. 

“When’s the psychiatrist coming?” he asked softly. 

“I think tomorrow morning,” Liv said. “Hopefully it’ll be good news, and we’ll be going home soon.” Rafael smiled softly, but he was staring down at his lap. 

“So how long am I gonna be bunking with you and Noah?” he whispered. 

“As long as you need,” Liv said. “We can talk to the psychiatrist and the doctor, but I imagine you might need a little extra help for awhile. At least until your hand heals up.” 

“If it heals up,” he corrected her. “I might have done some serious damage.” 

“We’ll figure it out as it comes,” Liv said softly. 

“I’m starting to feel a little drowsy,” he said. “The nurse hasn’t even given me my evening sedative.” Liv snorted softly. 

“Do you want the sleep medication? I think you have to ask for that,” she said. Rafael shook his head. 

“I’m thoroughly drugged up,” he whispered. 

“I’ll turn the lights down,” Liv said. She dimmed them, and Rafael shifted around. He was struggling to get comfortable. It was hard when he needed to keep his arm propped up. Liv made herself comfortable on the chair that pulled out to be a little bed. She was tired from such an emotionally charged day, and she was sure Rafael was absolutely wiped out. 

……………………..

Rafael couldn’t sleep. He was regretting his choice to forgo the sleep medication. He felt like his heart was beating out of his chest, and his arms ached, especially his left one. There were tears in his eyes as he thought about all the trouble he was causing Liv. He could see the soft outline of her body, the rise and fall of her chest as she laid, facing away from him on an uncomfortable little hospital chair. It was all his fault. It was his fault that she wasn’t with her son. It was his fault that she was worried sick and exhausted. He hadn’t missed the dark circles under her eyes. 

He was sure whatever conversation she’d had with Tucker had been about him. He felt bad getting in the way of her happiness even if her relationship tore him apart inside. Thinking about her with another man was so painful. He loved her so much it hurt, but he knew he didn’t deserve her. He didn’t deserve a family because he was selfish. He wasn’t sure how long he could go on like this. He had half a mind to try and rip the stitches in his arms out once more, but he didn’t trust himself to be successful, and he wasn’t sure he could handle being restrained once more. 

He felt like he couldn’t breathe again, but he tried to muffle his soft sobbing noises with the pillow. He didn’t want to wake Liv up. He didn’t want to bother her anymore. He was trying to process still, to process everything he’d done, everything his mother had said to him. He had been on the edge of doing something unwise once more after his mother had berated him. He couldn’t handle everyone talking at him at once, everyone pressuring him and throwing information at him, not when he was in such a compromised position. He felt like he couldn’t think, like his mind was racing so fast that it was impossible to latch on to any rational thought. 

He clicked on the morphine button, but he had used up as much as he was allowed for awhile. He wished that somehow he could press it enough times that he might drift off to sleep and never wake up. It took the edge off a little bit, making him a little drowsy. He laid, curled up on his side as much as he could, his face itchy and sore from all the tears. He was whispering to himself softly. “Just stop, stop freaking out, calm down, damn it.” He couldn’t get himself to stop though. He was resigned to a restless night, tormented by his own mind. 

………………..

Liv was up early. She had been exhausted, but there was this nagging worry in the back of her head. She was concerned about Rafael. She couldn’t help how much she was worrying about him. He was struggling so much, and it felt like this entire thing had come out of nowhere. Then there was her conversation with Tucker. She couldn’t believe he would say those things. He had called her four times, but she wasn’t answering. 

It was still dark in the room, and Rafael looked like he was sleeping. Liv carefully got up, heading down to the cafeteria for some coffee and something to eat. She hoped to be back before he woke up. 

When she made it back to the room, Rafael was sitting up in bed, staring at his phone. “Hey,” Liv said. “How’d you sleep?” He kind of just shrugged. She turned the lights up a little bit, and she could see the dark circles under his eyes. 

“Not too great,” he whispered. “I just had a little trouble staying asleep. Just restless.” 

“Oh, honey,” she whispered. “I’m sorry. Maybe tonight you should try some of the medicine again.” He nodded. “Are you feeling up to eating some food?” 

“I guess,” he whispered. He was running his fingers through the hair on the back of his head, his shoulders slumped. He looked worse than he had before they went to bed. 

“Is there anything I can do that might make you feel better?” Liv asked softly. He shrugged, letting his head fall back against his pillow and looking up at the ceiling. 

“I don’t know what could make me feel better,” he finally whispered. Liv rubbed his shoulder. 

“This is going to get better. I’m here for you,” Liv said softly. “You’re not alone.” 

“I’m ready to go home,” he whispered. “I don’t want to be here anymore.” 

“Well, let’s see what the psychiatrist says,” Liv said. “I’m going to ask the nurse about getting your breakfast.” 

He barely picked at the scrambled eggs they brought him, and Liv was getting more and more concerned. She wished he would start feeling better already. She was terrified that she was still going to lose him. Liv took a deep breath. She knew it was going to be a process, but she was having a hard time staying as calm as she needed to be. 

There was a knock on the door that startled them both, and Liv saw a young woman come in. “Hello, I’m Dr. Clark, the psychiatrist. I’m here to speak with Rafael.” Liv saw Rafael visibly swallow. “If you wouldn’t mind, we’re going to need a little bit of privacy,” the woman said. 

“Of course,” Liv agreed. “Rafa, I’m just going to swing home and say hello to Noah. I’ll be back in an hour, okay?” Rafael nodded. 

…………………..

When Liv reached the door of Rafael’s room, he looked a bit lighter than he had before. He was looking at that book Sonny had brought him, and Liv was glad to see him doing something other than just staring off into space or crying. He seemed like he was doing better. “Hey,” she said softly, knocking on the door, and she smiled when he looked up. 

“Hey,” he said softly, and she was reminded of dozens of late nights when she would show up at his office to talk about a case, and he would use that same voice. There was a special smile that would spread across his face, and it made her feel so warm. 

“How was your evaluation?” Liv asked. 

“Um, they think I can go home later tonight,” he said softly. “I’m supposed to meet with an occupational therapist to talk about my hand.” 

“Rafa, that is such good news. We can stop by your apartment and pick up anything you need,” Liv said. 

“Okay,” Rafael whispered. 

“You’re going to be out of here and things are going to get better,” Liv said softly. “I’m sorry that took me so long. I just needed to see Noah really quick this morning, and he was cranky.” 

“Probably cause he misses his Mom,” Rafael said softly. 

“Well, apparently Mommy and his favorite Uncle are coming home tonight, so he doesn’t have to worry about that anymore,” Liv whispered. Rafael smiled softly, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I’m going to see if they’ll let us go for a walk. I think getting out of bed might be just what you need right now.” Rafael didn’t say much, but he didn’t argue with her.  

She had to do some convincing, but she finally got her way. That’s how she found herself holding onto Rafael’s elbow as he made his way down the hall in a robe and slippers she’d grabbed from his apartment the day before. He seemed fatigued, but he had definitely perked up some. He seemed a little sheepish whenever anyone looked their way, but most of his bandages were covered up by the long sleeves. She was sure no one could tell why he was in the hospital. “What are you guys gonna do without me at work?” Rafael asked softly. 

“I don’t know,” Liv said truthfully. “We might just implode.”

“Probably will,” he whispered, laughing softly. 

“Don’t let that ego get too big,” Liv whispered. 

“Only if you keep stroking it,” he said with a soft smile. 

“Are you hungry? I think we could go down to the cafeteria and eat,” Liv said, her hand resting in the middle of his back. She saw him swallow heavily before he nodded. They found a little table that had some privacy in the corner, and Rafael was eating more than she’d seen in a couple of days. She was so glad he was starting to feel better at least to an extent. 

“What am I ever going to eat at your place,” Rafael whispered. “I don’t think you can live up to this fine dining.” Liv chuckled softly, glancing at his jello cup, and he smiled proudly. They slowly made their way back to his room after that, and he took a seat on the bed, sipping more water. Liv helped him prop his arm up again as he slid fully into the bed. 

“I’m going to share a room with Noah,” she said softly. “You’ll have my bedroom all to yourself. All the privacy you need, alright?” Rafael nodded. He didn’t have energy to argue. 

A knock on the door interrupted their conversation, and Rafael looked up to see a young man coming into the room. They went over a sheet of paper with him that explained his discharge instructions. They showed him the stretches he was supposed to start doing in a few days, and Liv watched carefully so she could make sure he would have help if he needed it. Liv was quickly realizing that he was going to need a lot of help. She also knew that he probably wouldn’t ask for it even if he needed it. 

She was glad that he wasn’t putting up much of a fight about going home with her. It would be comforting to be able to keep an eye on him. His body language was enough to break her heart. She wanted to hug him and hold him, to make it all better, but she wasn’t entirely sure how he would react. She didn’t want to crowd him or get him upset. 

After the occupational therapist left, a nurse talked to them about cleaning his incisions, and Liv kept track of that information as well. Rafael looked rather overwhelmed by the end of all of it, and Liv was glad to be there with him so she could help keep things straight.

“You doing okay?” Liv asked softly. He shrugged. She rubbed her hand over his arm. “You’ll be leaving soon. I’ll ask one of the nurses exactly when.” 

“Okay,” Rafael said softly. He was back to toying with his blanket. Liv sighed. She didn’t even have to leave the room though because Dr. Cooper came inside along with another nurse. 

“Hey, Rafael,” he said with a smile. “Now, if we’re going to discharge you, I need to know someone is going to keep an eye on you for a little while. You’re going to struggle with daily tasks because of your wrist, so there needs to be someone there to provide you some assistance.” 

“He’s going to stay with me,” Liv said. 

“Alright, perfect. I’m going to have them start up the discharge paperwork then, and you can get out of here. I need you back in a week, so I can take a look at your hand, and you absolutely have to go to occupational therapy,” Dr. Cooper said. Rafael nodded. 

“Okay,” Rafael said softly. 

“I also would recommend starting some talk therapy. I will send you home with medication that you need to take daily to manage your depression and anxiety,” Dr. Cooper said. Rafael didn’t respond to that, but Liv was planning on talking to him about the therapy. “And don’t forget to do your exercises starting in a day or two. You can move your hand, but do not use it for anything. You don’t want to put too much stress on the tendons too early.” 

“Okay,” Rafael said again. 

“Alright. I’ll see you next week,” Dr. Cooper said. Rafael nodded. 


	4. Chapter 4

Liv’s keys jingled as she pushed them into the lock. Rafael was standing back, arms crossed. Liv had him bundled up in a jacket and sweatshirt, and she was carrying a duffle bag for him from his apartment. He had wanted to carry it himself, but he didn’t have the energy to argue with Liv when she picked it up. He was so tired. Sleeping in the hospital was difficult for him, and he hoped that it would be easier when he got to Liv’s place. He had always been able to relax there when he was with her.  

Now he wasn’t sure how he felt. Everything was all jumbled up in his brain, and he was trying to figure out how to cope. He didn’t know how to get his emotions under control. Liv smiled at him, holding the door open, and he went inside. He could hear the tv, and he braced himself to see Noah. He felt so ashamed of himself. He was ashamed, and he still felt like giving up. He didn’t want to deal with this anymore. 

“Mommy!” Noah’s voice was loud and it startled Rafael a little bit as the little boy stood up and unsteadily ran over to Liv. She scooped him up into her arms. 

“Noah,” she said softly, hugging him tight, and Rafael felt bad. Liv had been missing him. He could tell, and it had been all his fault. He ran a hand through his hair, starting to walk down the hallway to Liv’s bedroom. He needed to lay down. His head was pounding, and he could feel his blood pressure rising, the beating of his heart so loud in his ears that it had to be audible to the whole building. He took a seat on the bed, closing his eyes and trying to get control of himself. 

“I hate myself,” he whispered, curling up on his side and clutching at his head. He was resting his arm on the bed beside him, the other one fisted in his hair.  _ Why can’t you get a grip on yourself? _ He wanted this to disappear and go away. He wanted to die. 

He didn’t even look up when there was a knock on the door. “Rafa?” Liv’s voice was soft. “Do you want something to eat?” 

“No,” Rafael said, trying not to let his emotions bleed into his voice. 

“Do you need anything?” Liv asked again, her voice still muffled through the door. 

“No,” he said softly. He didn’t want her to see him like this. 

“I’ll be in the living room with Noah then if you need anything, okay?” Liv said. 

“Okay,” Rafael replied, glad when she left him alone. 

……………………….

Rafael woke up, his face sore as he clumsily wiped at his cheeks. He put a hand on the bed, pushing himself up into a sitting position before standing up and groaning softly. His head hurt, and he could feel his stomach rumbling. He was hungry. His cheeks were still a little damp from crying, and it had apparently irritated his skin. He stopped in the bathroom, splashing some water on himself so he wouldn’t look so rough. He needed a shower, badly. He didn’t want to smell like hospital anymore, and his hair was looking pretty gross. He just wasn’t sure how easily he could do it himself with both arms needing to stay dry for the time being. He sighed, shaking his head.  _ You did this to yourself. You couldn’t even end it. _

He headed out of the bathroom to the couch where Liv was sitting with Noah. They were watching some cartoons. She turned her head, looking at him as he headed over to take a seat. “Hey,” she said. “How are you feeling?” He shrugged, sitting on the very edge of the couch with plenty of space between himself and Olivia. He had ditched the sweatshirt in the bedroom earlier, so now he was just wearing some sweatpants and a tee shirt. He felt very underdressed. Liv usually saw him in some deconstructed variation of a suit if they weren’t at work. “Can you say hi to Uncle Rafa, Noah?” she asked softly. 

“Hi,” Noah said softly, and Rafael smiled. 

“Hi, Noah,” he said. He hadn’t seen the little boy in a while, and he found he felt less awkward around Noah now that he was a little bit older. It wasn’t that he didn’t like kids, but he hadn’t had the chance to spend a lot of time around young children. Noah was really it. 

Noah started squirming out of Liv’s arms, and Rafael almost froze as he planted himself on the lawyer’s lap. “Noah--” Liv started to say, but Rafael waved her off, trying to relax better. “Be gentle with Uncle Rafa,” Liv told her son. Rafael wrapped an arm around Noah who seemed content to just watch the tv, and he smiled. Liv was smiling at him, and Rafael felt a little bit lighter than he had before. “Are you hungry? I was going to order take out.” 

“Sure,” Rafael said. “I could eat.” 

“What are you hungry for?” Liv asked. He shrugged. He was mostly eating so she wouldn’t worry about him. 

“Whatever is fine,” he said softly. 

“Alright, I’ll call something in,” Liv said, handing him the remote. He wanted a glass of scotch, but he was positive Liv wouldn’t give him one. Certainly not with his medication. A soft laugh from Noah caught Rafael’s attention, and he smiled at the boy. 

“What are we watching?” Rafael asked. 

“Paw Patrol,” Noah said. 

“Ooh, that sounds fun,” Rafael said. He listened as Noah told him a little bit about it, and it was a nice distraction from his emotions. Rafael made Noah laugh a few times which made him feel good about himself. 

“Alright, I ordered us some Chinese food,” Liv said, coming back to sit down on the couch. She had a glass of wine, and Rafael couldn’t help looking at the way her ratty tee shirt fit. She was so beautiful, he swallowed heavily, forcing himself to look away. Sitting there with Noah and Liv, that was what he wanted more than anything in the world, and it was almost like it was within his reach. 

When he looked back at Liv, she was looking at her phone. She frowned for a second before typing something. She looked up at him after a second. “Um, actually, I have to run out. I’m going to call Lucy.” 

“Work?” Rafael asked, but Liv shook her head. 

“I need to go talk with Ed about something. I’ll be back in a couple of hours. Lucy will take care of Noah,” Liv said. Rafael felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest. He wanted Liv to be happy, but it still hurt him so badly. He nodded, feeling any happiness he may have briefly enjoyed disappear into despair. 

“Have a nice time,” he said softly. 

“Thanks,” Liv said, disappearing back into her room. He assumed she was putting on something nicer. 

It wasn’t long before she came back out, and she had definitely put makeup on and brushed her hair. He thought she was just fine the way she looked before. “You look nice,” he said softly, trying not to let her see any of the hurt that was snuffing out any hope of happiness he’d entertained. She smiled at him, but they were interrupted by a knock on the door. 

“That should be Lucy,” Liv said, going to answer it. She let the babysitter in, and Noah was up, running to Lucy almost immediately. Liv dug around for her wallet, and much to Rafael’s surprise, handed him cash. “This is for the Chinese food. Just put mine in the fridge. I’ll be back soon. Both of you behave.” 

Rafael was in a bad mood now. He felt tears burning his eyes, and he hated himself for them. He excused himself from the room, heading back to the bedroom once more so he could wallow. 

……………………

Liv was still upset. She couldn’t believe the things Tucker said, but she didn’t want to let it poison their relationship. She was willing to hear him out over coffee like he’d asked. She knew she was stressed out because of Rafael, and she knew she had a tendency to push people away. She didn’t want to do that this time. 

She couldn’t help but want to give Noah everything in the world, and that included some kind of father. Sometimes, she questioned if she could do it all alone, and even if she could, she wanted the most love in the world for her son. Beyond hoping for Noah, it was hard not to want someone for herself. Sometimes, her bed felt so empty, her evenings spent drinking wine, alone after Noah went to sleep. It was nice to feel loved, to know that someone had her back. 

Tucker was waiting for her inside of the coffee shop, and she went over, taking a seat across from him. “Hey,” he said softly. “I ordered for you.” Liv nodded, setting her things down. 

“Oh, um, okay,” she said. 

“I wanted to talk to you. I know things got a little heated at the hospital,” Tucker said softly. 

“Heated?” Liv asked. “You made some pretty startling accusations about Rafael.” 

“I didn’t mean what I said, Liv,” Ed said. “You were emotional, and I was emotional. I was worried about you, honey. I got carried away though, and I’m here to say that I’m sorry. Can we please just put this behind us?” Liv took the coffee that the waitress brought her, taking a sip and trying not to make a face. He’d ordered her a macchiato rather than her usual latte. 

“I appreciate the apology,” Liv said. “It’s alright. I think emotions were high, and I was certainly tired. Let’s just move on.” 

“Great,” Ed said with a smile. “How is Rafael anyways?” 

“He’s been better,” Liv said. “I think it will be a while before he can live by himself again.” 

“Is he staying with his mother?” Ed asked. 

“No, they have a complicated relationship it seems. He’s at home with Noah and Lucy right now,” Liv said. 

“He’s staying with you?” Ed asked. 

“Do you have a problem with that?” Liv asked, and he shook his head. She could hear the irritation in his voice, but she was going to deck him if he said something else about Rafael. “He’s welcome in my home as long as he needs somewhere to stay.” liv was feeling so protective of her best friend. He didn’t deserve to deal with any of this on his own, and she was going to be there for him. It was quiet after that, and Liv sipped the coffee she didn’t even really like. 

“Well, then how about we spend some time at your place tomorrow?” Tucker asked. “It would give your babysitter a break, and you don’t have to worry about Barba getting into trouble while you’re out,” Ed said. Liv wanted to roll her eyes, but she didn’t want this to become a big thing. It was only temporary that Rafael was staying with her. 

“Sure,” she said. “Look, it’s getting late. I should get back.” 

“Alright,” Ed said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

“Bye,” Liv said softly, standing up. She slipped into her jacket, trying to ignore the unease she felt. Maybe, if she ignored some of the negativity, this all would blow over and their relationship would return to normal. She could only hope. 

When she made it home, Lucy had put Noah to bed, and Liv paid her for the extra time. Once the babysitter had left, Liv looked around for Rafael, but he wasn’t anywhere. She assumed he was in the bedroom. The door was cracked a little bit, so she headed down the hall to check on him. He was curled up in the bed, breathing softly. She couldn’t quite tell if he was asleep or not. “Rafa?” she asked softly. 

“Hmm?” he responded sleepily. 

“Do you need anything?” Liv asked. He didn’t answer. “You need to take your medicine. Can you get up?” 

“Okay,” he finally said softly. Liv left him alone, giving him time to collect himself. She went into the kitchen and filled a glass of water as she tried to sort through the pills. He had antibiotics, pain pills, sleeping medication, antidepressants, anti-anxiety pills, and it was hard to keep track of. She sorted out what he needed to take at the moment by the time he appeared in the kitchen, looking exhausted and a little upset. He took a seat at the table, sighing heavily. 

“Here are your pills. I’m going to get you something to eat,” Liv said softly. She gently patted his shoulder, checking the fridge for something Rafael might like to eat. Liv made him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and he made a face, but he ate it after picking the crust off. 

“Thank you,” Rafael said softly. 

“Sure,” Liv said. “How are you feeling?” 

“Not great,” he admitted. 

“Do you want to get a shower? That might make you feel better,” she said. He shook his head, finishing his water after swallowing the pills. 

“Maybe tomorrow. I’m too tired,” he whispered. 

“Alright, well, I’ll be in Noah’s room if you need anything tonight,” Liv said. “Tomorrow, we’ll figure out therapy for you. I’ll be around here all day.” 

“You’re not going to work?” he asked. 

“No,” Liv said. “You’re stuck with me for a few days at least.” He smiled softly to himself. 

“Thanks, Liv,” he said. 

“Of course,” Liv said. Rafael headed back to the bathroom to brush his teeth before going to bed. Once he made it into the bedroom, he started to undress, and he quickly realized he should have gotten his clothes out first. He was struggling to open the duffle bag, and then it took him a couple of minutes to struggle into the tee shirt he packed for bed. He didn’t even bother trying with pants. He crawled into bed, getting under the covers when Liv poked her head in the door. “Do you need any blankets or anything?” 

“I’m alright,” Rafael said. 

“Don’t forget to prop your arm up,” Liv reminded him. 

“I won’t. Thanks,” he whispered. 

“Good night, Rafa,” Liv said. 

“Night, Liv,” he replied, turning over and getting pillows under his arm. As the medicine pulled him into a deep sleep, he thought about how beautiful Liv looked in that tee shirt with holes in the seams. 

……………………….

Liv didn’t sleep very well. She was worrying. She couldn’t stop worrying about Rafael. He was in so much pain, she could see it practically painted on his face. Liv looked down at her sleeping son, stroking her hand over his hair. Rafael’s face had lit up a little bit when he had been with Noah, and it had been precious to see. 

Noah had brought so much joy to her life, and she loved seeing his effects on other people. Rafael had been awkward around Noah even a year before, but he seemed to be growing into his role as Uncle, and she loved seeing him smile. It was great to know that she could build a family full of people she loved. She knew that deep down, there were still unresolved issues between Rafael and herself, and when he was ready, she wanted to talk about them, but she was content to wait as long as he needed. 

There was this guilt that was eating away at her. She knew, to some degree, she’d had a hand in pushing him over the edge. She owed him this. She owed him love and comfort, and a place where he felt safe because she’d failed him once already. She knew that he would tell her she didn’t have to tell him anything she didn’t want to, but if she’d been a good friend, she would have been honest with him. She would have handled it differently, and she wouldn’t have hurt Rafael so much. 

He had been choosing her side. She knew that. Rafael knew she had problems with Tucker in the past, and he had been trying to back her up, but the problem was she hadn’t warned him there weren’t sides anymore. Liv had caused a rift, and she wished that she had handled things differently, but all she could do now was try to help her best friend who was in a fight for his life. She needed to show him that she was on his side this time. He needed to know that he had someone in his corner. 

………………………………..

Rafael blinked, feeling like he was trapped in a fog. It was hard to wake up in the morning after he took medication to help him sleep. He felt sick to his stomach. He could feel the cool, damp bed sheets which was enough to tell him he’d been dreaming of something bad the night before. He was thankful that he couldn’t remember what it was. He wasn’t strong enough to deal with remembering things he had tried to put behind him. They had been bothering him more and more recently, not to mention the crushing guilt he felt any time he ever thought about his grandmother. 

It was too painful to remember the choices he’d made, pushing her to leave her home. He could still see his mother’s face, see the accusation in her eyes. He knew that she blamed him too. He had been selfish, and it had cost them all. Now he was paying for it. Rafael sat up, pulling his legs up on the bed and hugging a pillow to his chest. He was trying to get ahold of himself. He needed to calm down. 

Rafael leaned his face down against his knees, shutting his eyes and forcing himself to breathe. He needed to just get through the day. That was his goal. He needed to get through one day. Even that felt impossible though. Rafael’s head was aching from all the stress. It felt like his temples were thudding. He slowly put his feet flat on the floor, getting himself out of bed and heading to the kitchen. His arm was hurting. He needed more pain medicine. He was quietly walking into the kitchen when he heard Liv’s voice and jumped. “Good morning.” She was sitting at the table, reading something on her tablet. She had her glasses on, and he felt like someone had smacked him in the face. She was so beautiful, it overwhelmed him. The want, the need, the despair all hit him like a truck, and he had to try and compose himself. 

“Hi,” he said softly. 

“Are you hungry?” Liv asked, standing up. 

“I don’t know,” he whispered. 

“I’ll make you something. Take a seat. Do you need any pain medicine?” Liv asked. Rafael nodded, toying with a napkin. “Did you sleep alright?” 

“Yeah, pretty well,” Rafael said. “The pills help. I don’t even remember what I was dreaming about.” 

“I’m glad you were able to get some rest. I’m sure you’re exhausted. Do you want a shower or a bath?” Liv asked. “I can show you where the towels are.” 

“Yeah, that would be great,” Rafael said softly. 

“I’ll help you get your arms covered so you can wash up,” Liv said. “You cannot use your left hand at all. Don’t forget.” 

“I know,” Rafael whispered. “I was there when they explained it.” He hated himself for the annoyance that slipped into his tone. She was only trying to help, but he was frustrated. He was frustrated with himself and with Liv. She should have just let him bleed out in that bathtub. It was what he wanted. He didn’t feel like he could do this anymore. He didn’t want to fight. It was too much for him, and everything hurt too bad. 

Liv set a plate down in front of him with french toast, and she put pills down for him to take when he was ready. Rafael stared at the french toast for a second before grabbing the fork and trying to use it to cut the food into little pieces. It was tiring especially when neither of his arms were feeling particularly great. “Can I help you?” Liv asked softly, and Rafael hated feeling helpless. He despised it, but there was no judgment in Olivia’s voice, so he nodded, knowing that it was better if he let himself take it easy even just for a couple of days. Liv cut the food up for him with a knife, and it was almost comforting to know that she had his back. She was there to help him if he needed it. 

“Thank you,” he said softly, pouring syrup all over his breakfast before starting to eat. As he lifted the fork to his mouth, Liv set a half-full mug of coffee in front of him, and he found himself smiling genuinely. 

“I don’t think a little will hurt,” she said softly. Dr. Cooper had warned them to be careful with caffeine, especially while they were still working to stabilize his moods, but Rafael was very grateful for any amount of coffee that he could have. It was one thing that he absolutely loved. He added his cream and sugar, and he let himself shut his eyes and release a soft sigh when he took a sip. Liv was smiling when he opened them. He blushed. He sipped the coffee and ate his breakfast before swallowing down all the pills, and he felt much better than he had earlier. His head was still pounding a little bit, but it was certainly better than before. 

He followed Liv to the bathroom, standing there awkwardly as she looked through the closet for a towel for him. “Did you bring shampoo?” she asked. He shook his head. He’d really only grabbed a bunch of clothes. He had remembered his razor though. “That’s alright, you can use mine. Or Noah’s if you’d rather go with the tear-free.” He let out a little laugh. 

“You don’t trust me not to blind myself with shampoo?” he asked. Liv smiled. 

“It might be hard with plastic bags over your arms. Look, I can help you if you--” 

“I’ll be alright,” he said softly. He wasn’t sure if he could bear Liv helping him in the shower. He knew he might not have a choice in the matter despite what he wanted. Liv helped him get his arms covered up after he took his shirt off, and she showed him the controls for the shower. Then, Rafael was alone to figure out how to get himself clean. He managed to get the shower on, waiting for it to warm up as he worked on undressing himself. 

When he finally climbed under the warm spray of water, he sighed contentedly, letting it wash over him. It felt nice to stand there and let it wash over his skin. He felt disgusting. He had refused sponge baths from the nurses, and they wouldn’t let him go take a shower on his own. Part of it had been his own damn stubbornness, but he didn’t want some random nurse helping him in the shower. It was too much. 

He struggled with the cap to the shampoo, his hands slipping as he tried to pry it open. The plastic made everything so much harder to do. He finally managed to get it open, bringing it up to his face to smell it. It was fruity, and it reminded him of Liv. He tried to squirt some in his hair, but the bottle slipped from his plastic covered hands, and he swore softly. It clattered loudly to the floor, and he waited for Liv to come and check on him, but the bathroom stayed quiet. That would have been too easy, an out where he didn’t have to ask her to come and stand with him while he stood naked, under the spray of the water. He clenched his teeth, bending over to try and pick the bottle up, but it slipped from his grip again, and he swore.  _ Come on _ , he thought.  _ This is pathetic. _

He was sure Liv didn’t want to come and help him shower, but he wasn’t entirely sure how he was going to do it himself at this point. He gathered what dignity he had left, took a deep breath, and called for her. 

Liv was in the bathroom within moments. “What’s wrong?” she asked. 

“I can’t--I need your help. I can’t hold onto the bottle with all this damn plastic on my hands,” Rafael said. 

“Alright,” Liv said softly. “How do you want to do this?” 

“I don’t know,” Rafael whispered. He knew she wouldn’t look at him. “Just--Just hand me a washcloth.” She took a few moments before holding it out to him through the gap between the curtain and the wall. He took it, using it to cover himself up as much as possible. “Okay,” he said. Liv pulled the curtain back a little bit, reaching for the fallen bottle of shampoo. She didn’t seem to care that she was getting wet. Rafael wanted to cry, but he held the tears back, feeling helpless and annoyed with himself. 

“It’s alright,” Liv said softly, coming a little closer. She squirted some shampoo into her hands, massaging it into Rafael’s hair. He had to hunch a little bit to give her a better angle. They were similar in height, but he was just a bit taller, and she was leaning forward to reach him. He sighed softly as she worked the cool gel into a lather, leaning his head into her hand. It had been a long time since someone had touched him so lovingly. She was caring for him, and he was so grateful that she was willing to help him. He wanted to feel clean again. He felt Liv’s hand swipe across his forehead, and his heart was beating practically out of his chest. “Maybe we should have used the tearless,” she joked. “I’m very close to getting this in your eyes.” 

“You’re doing better than I was,” he said softly, the humor diffusing some of the tension and embarrassment. Liv seeing him this pathetic and weak was upsetting, but he also felt safe with her. He knew she wouldn’t do anything to hurt him. 

……………………….

Rafael didn’t even bother trying to shave once he was out of the shower. He didn’t have the energy, and he didn’t want Liv to have to do it for him. Getting into clothes was a struggle. He got into his boxers, and then managed his shirt after Liv helped him put his brace back on. He was debating the merits of sweatpants when there was a knock on the door, and he looked up. Liv was standing in the doorway. “Um, I just wanted to let you know, Tucker is coming over later.

“Thanks for the warning,” Rafael said softly. He wasn’t going to be bitter even though it hurt him. He didn’t want to do that to Liv. It was hard for him to keep it inside, but he didn’t want her to see how much it actually hurt. 

He felt like she’d stabbed him in the heart again, and he was trying to hold back the tears, but it was futile. He laid down on the bed, glad that Liv had left him alone. He hugged a pillow to his chest, trying to calm down, but he had let himself fall so hard, he didn’t know how to live without wanting Olivia. He didn’t know who he was without her anymore. He had let work consume him until he had nothing, until he felt like the only person who understood him was Olivia, but now, he didn’t feel like anyone understood him. Or maybe she did understand him, but she didn’t love him. She didn’t want him. No one did. Not even his own mother. 

He felt pathetic, and he was only going to feel worse with Tucker there. There was something about Tucker that rubbed him the wrong way, and it wasn’t just that the man was dating the love of his life. Rafael didn’t have any delusions that he deserved Olivia, and if he truly saw her with someone that he believed would treat her the way she deserved, he would try like hell to be happy for her and support her. There was just something about Tucker that gave him a bad feeling. Liv was an adult though, and he wasn’t going to interfere. He would just wallow instead and bide his time until he could find a way to put himself out of his misery. 

……………………………..

Somehow, Rafael managed to wrestle some pants onto his body with one hand before dinner. He hadn’t been doing much all day except sitting around and moping. He didn’t feel like the medication was really making him feel all that much better. He was still miserable, and he had nothing to ease the suffering. He couldn’t drink, he couldn’t go find some meaningless hookup, and instead, he was about to have dinner with Ed Tucker. 

Needless to say, he was in a horrendous mood. He wanted to go put on a suit, to make himself look intimidating instead of looking sad and defeated. He hadn’t really even been able to comb his hair. He dragged himself off the bed, deciding to use the fifteen minutes he had before Tucker was supposed to get there to try and make himself more presentable. He wet his comb, working it through his hair the best he could. He had his hair gel, but he wasn’t sure if he could make it look right. He did his best, and it certainly wasn’t perfect, but he liked it better than his hair falling flat against his forehead. In the bedroom, he dug a polo out of his bag, changing shirts, and he had a pair of khakis, but he wasn’t entirely sure how he was going to button them. He wiggled his legs into them, but he was seriously struggling to get them up over his ass. He swore, feeling so frustrated that he wanted to punch something. He waddled out to the living room, defeated. 

He appreciated the surely heroic efforts Liv made not to laugh. He was sure he looked like a complete moron. “Hey,” she said softly. “Do you want me to help you?” He pursed his lips, trying to ignore his burning cheeks, and he nodded. “It’s alright, Rafael,” Liv said softly, but he just shook his head. “Alright, I’m just going to pull these up.” He nodded, refusing to look her in the eyes. Liv tugged at his khakis until they were actually up around his waist. His face was burning as she carefully zipped his fly, and he heard the door open. Liv was buttoning his pants up just as Tucker walked in the door, and Rafael felt a brief dash of childish happiness when Tucker stared at him. At them. There was something in his eyes that gave Rafael some sense of satisfaction, but then the guilt started to eat at him a little bit. He wasn’t trying to sabotage her. He wanted her to be happy, and she certainly didn’t need her boyfriend getting any weird ideas. 

“Ed, hey,” Liv said, turning toward him. She patted Rafael’s shoulder. 

“Thanks,” Rafael said softly. 

“No problem,” Liv said. Rafael backed away, tried not to watch as Liv went over to Tucker, as the other man’s hand rested on her lower back, as their lips brushed in a soft kiss. Rafael turned toward Noah who was on the couch. He sat next to him, and Noah climbed into Rafael’s lap. 

“Uncle Rafa,” Noah said softly, and Rafael smiled. 

“Hey,” he said softly. “Ooh, are we watching Paw Patrol again?” he asked. Noah nodded.

“Noah, hey,” Tucker said, and Noah waved shyly. “Come here, buddy.” Noah pressed his face against Rafael’s shirt instead, and Rafael wrapped an arm around the little boy’s back. 

“Noah,” Liv said. “It’s Ed, come say hi.” Noah shook his head. Ed took a step toward them, but Rafael kept a protective arm on Noah. Unless Liv was going to make Noah do something he didn’t want to, Rafael wasn’t going to let Tucker bother Noah. He had grown up around adults who didn’t care about his feelings, adults who made him do things that he certainly didn’t want, and even though this was a small thing, Rafael felt protective of Noah. “He didn’t take a nap earlier,” Liv said to Ed, a way to placate him. “Dinner should be here soon. I ordered in.” 

“Great,” Tucker said. “I’m starving.” 

“Do you want some scotch while you wait?” Liv asked. They headed into the kitchen. Rafael wanted scotch, but he wasn’t allowed to have it. He focused on Noah again. He was smiling at Rafael, peeking up at him, and the lawyer couldn’t help but laugh. 

“I don’t like him either,” Rafael whispered, and Noah giggled. 

“Legos?” Noah said, and Rafael let him go. 

“What’s that, Noah?” Rafael asked. Noah got down, grabbing a bin and dragging it to the middle of the living room floor. 

“Legos,” he said again, pointing to them. Rafael carefully eased himself to the floor. He wasn’t sure how he was going to play legos with one good hand, but he was going to try for Noah’s sake. He would much rather be doing that than watching Liv and Tucker stare at each other. Noah started building some sort of car, and Rafael watched him carefully. After some digging in the box, he found some instructions, and he started to try and build something himself. He had to dig through the bin to find the pieces, and it was hard for him to pull them apart if he needed to fix a mistake, but it was kind of nice to have something to focus on. He wasn’t thinking about everything that had been bothering him for so long. Instead, he was smiling at Noah and enjoying the happy look on his face. He barely noticed the doorbell. 

“Boys,” Liv said fondly, and Rafael looked up. “Dinner.” Rafael scooped Noah up from the floor. 

“Vámonos, amigo _ , _ let’s wash our hands,” Rafael said softly. He took Noah in the bathroom and helped him clean his hands off before carefully washing his own, so he wouldn’t get his stitches wet. He really only washed one hand, the one without the brace, before he and Noah headed out to the table. He shuddered when he saw Liv and Tucker standing so close to each other. Instead of focusing on that, he got Noah into his booster seat at the table, sitting down and waiting. Liv brought him a plate of food after a moment, a steak and some mashed potatoes. 

“I’m going to cut this up for you,” Liv said softly. He could feel Tucker’s eyes on them, and he felt his cheeks heating up, but he nodded. Liv started cutting his steak, and he tried to ignore the judgment he could feel from the other side of the table. He didn’t care what Tucker thought of him, but he was making him feel helpless, and he didn’t want Liv to think of him like that. It was his own damn fault, he’d done this to himself. Rafael felt humiliated, but he wasn’t going to say anything. Liv was only trying to help him. 

He picked up his fork, taking a bite. It was really good, and he tried to focus on that instead of his embarrassment. He knew it was stupid. There was no point in being embarrassed, but he had always been able to care for himself; he’d always had to care for himself, and now, he couldn’t do simple tasks by himself. 

“So, Noah, was it nice to spend your whole day with your Mom?” Tucker asked. Noah didn’t answer, and Rafael tried to keep the smile from his lips. 

“Noah,” Liv said softly. “Can you answer Ed?” Noah shook his head, and Rafael had to bite back a snort. He was glad that Liv didn’t push anymore. He wasn’t sure Noah could take it. Liv had talked to him a little bit about the developmental delays before they drifted apart at some point. It hurt that she had stopped talking to him about everything, regardless of his feelings. He still wanted to be her best friend. Rafael reached over and rubbed Noah’s back, and the little boy smiled at him. 

Tucker was grimacing, and Rafael felt some sense of happiness at that. “Noah, it’s rude not to answer people who are talking to you,” Tucker said. Rafael frowned. Noah wasn’t his kid, but he wasn’t Tucker’s either, and Rafael was feeling overprotective. “I’m sure you don’t want him to grow up with bad manners,” Tucker said, turning to Liv. 

“Tucker, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Liv said softly. “Give him some space.” 

“I don’t understand why he won’t talk to me,” Tucker said. 

“He’ll talk to me,” Rafael said, speaking up for Noah. Liv shot a glare his way, but Rafael felt a sense of satisfaction at pissing Tucker off. Tucker’s glare hardened, and Rafael smirked a little bit, taking another bite of steak. There was tension now, and Rafael felt a little bit for Liv, for getting her stuck between the two of them, but he wasn’t going to let Tucker push Noah around. 

“Stay out of this, Barba,” Tucker said. “Just because you’ve decided to take advantage of Liv’s hospitality doesn’t mean you have a say in our conversations.” 

“Ed,” Liv said, her voice hard. Rafael’s jaw clenched. 

“I might be crippled right now, but at least I’m not receiving social security checks,” Rafael said back, knowing it was a bit of a low blow. “I’m sorry that your fragile masculinity can’t handle me staying here with my friend. I’m not going to sit here and get in the way of your date, though.” Rafael headed back to Liv’s bedroom, taking a seat on the bed, trying to cool off. 

It was only a few moments before there was a knock on the door, and Liv poked her head in. “Can you please watch Noah?” she asked. Rafael nodded, taking Noah into his arms. He heard muffled voices, and he felt bad that they sounded angry. He hadn’t meant to do that. He really, truly wasn’t trying to sabotage Liv’s relationship. He didn’t want to be selfish. She deserved to be happy. He was only trying to comfort and protect Noah. 

“Uncle Rafa,” Noah said, and Rafael looked down at him. 

“Hmm, amigo?” Rafael asked. 

“Don’t like Ed,” Noah said, and Rafael smiled. 

“He’s not that bad,” Rafael said softly. Noah shook his head. ‘Do you want to read a book?” Rafael asked. Noah nodded. Rafael set him on the bed gently, looking around for something he could read to Noah. After some searching, he did find a book, sitting back down with Noah to read. 

Noah fell asleep while he was reading, and Rafael decided to close his eyes as well. He was tired. 

……………………..

“Sorry.” Rafael was blinking, Liv’s blurry face right in his field of vision. Her voice was soft as she spoke to him. “I just came to get Noah. I didn’t mean to wake you up.” 

“Where’s Tucker?” Rafael whispered, blinking. 

“He left,” Liv said, and Rafael hated himself when he saw the hurt in her eyes. He had certainly contributed to the fraying tensions earlier. 

“I’m sorry,” Rafael said softly. Liv smiled a bit sadly. 

“It’s alright,” she said, taking her son into her arms. Noah shifted around a little bit, resting his face against Rafael’s shoulder. She rubbed Noah’s back. “Are you feeling alright? It wasn’t fair what Tucker said about you.” 

“I shouldn’t have said the things I did,” Rafael said softly. “I didn’t mean to ruin your evening.” 

“Don’t worry about it,” Liv said softly. Rafael felt bad though. Liv was expending so much energy keeping an eye on him that she was jeopardizing her own relationship, and he had no right to interfere. “Do you want the rest of your dinner?” 

“Sure,” Rafael said softly. Liv disappeared, taking Noah with her, and she came back after about ten minutes with his plate. Rafael started eating, and Liv lingered at the door for a couple of minutes. He wanted to say something that might comfort her somehow, but his mind was going blank. He wasn’t sure what to say or what to do. He felt terrible for ruining her evening. He just felt terrible in general. 

Rafael hated himself even more if that was possible. He pulled his legs up on the bed, finishing his food. Liv had left at some point, and he was alone, staring at the ceiling. He set the plate on the nightstand, leaning back and shutting his eyes. He couldn’t seem to fall asleep though. He just laid there, his mind ripping him apart. The self-hatred was always worse at night. 

It was late when he heard a soft noise from the living room. The door was cracked open, and he could hear the soft sound of sobbing. He stood up. He was torn. He knew it was Liv, but he didn’t want to encroach on her privacy. He had already ruined enough for one night. He knew that he had definitely contributed to Liv’s tears, and he couldn’t sit in there and listen to her, knowing it was his fault, and do nothing. He headed out to the living room, cautiously, and he saw Liv sitting on the couch, her head buried in her hands. He stood there awkwardly for a few moments before coming closer, hesitantly reaching a hand out to touch her shoulder. “Liv?” he said softly. 

She jumped. “Jesus, Rafa,” Liv said, her voice still watery. She tried to wipe the tears away, but there were too many. He sat down, and she sniffled. 

“I’m here,” he said softly, touching her shoulder, and that was it. She dissolved into sobs again, pressing her face against his shoulder, and he tried to comfort her, to hush her with soft, soothing whispers by her ear. “I’m sorry, Liv,” he whispered. She threw her arms around him, pulling him close, and she started crying harder. Rafael felt like his heart was shattered. He hated seeing her upset like this. 

Liv’s arms were strong, and she was hugging him so tight, it almost hurt. He had hurt her, and he was realizing that it was probably in more ways than one. He had tried to kill himself, and he knew that Liv understood he wasn’t trying to be selfish, but he felt like the most selfish person in the whole world, and he despised himself for bringing tears to her beautiful, big brown eyes. He had no right to be relishing the way it felt to hold her in his arms, to consider how soft her hair was as he gently ran his fingers through it, and yet, his traitorous thoughts were all over the place no matter how much he tried to ignore them. Her arms made him feel weak, the soft touch making him melt. “I’m alright,” he whispered. “And I’m sorry.” 

Her face was pressed into his shirt, her hands bunched in the fabric, and he did his best to calm her down, but he couldn’t do much but be there. Finally, the tears seemed to die down, and Liv began to calm down. She sniffled, wiping at her red, puffy skin, and Rafael reached for a tissue, handing it to her. “I’m sorry,” he said again. 

“It’s not your fault,” Liv said, her voice rough and broken. “It’s just everything that happened earlier with Noah and Tucker, and I’m sorry, you don’t need to hear about this. It wasn’t you. I forgive you for whatever part you played in what happened, but it wasn’t you.” 

“I’m sorry that happened,” Rafael said. He felt horribly guilty for all the pain he’d put her through. He was feeling sick, but Liv turned to him, seemed to consider it a moment, and then she pulled him into a hug again, and it was almost painful to realize that he was alone, that he couldn’t have her. Every touch, every interaction reminded him of how much he truly cared for her, and it hurt him, but he would gladly carry that hurt if it meant Olivia was happy. 

She finally let go of him after a couple of minutes, muttering a soft apology. He patted her arm, standing up before he did something unwise like lean in and kiss her or let his feelings bleed through until she could see them in his eyes. His mother had always told him his eyes were windows to his soul, and he had learned to curb that to an extent, but sometimes the emotions overwhelmed him to the point that the whole world could see what he was feeling. He certainly didn’t want Liv seeing what he was feeling now because he had absolutely no right to love her or to want her. He had no right to be jealous. He had no right to butt into her relationship or her family, and yet, he’d done just that at dinner. “Good night,” Rafael whispered. 

“Night, Rafa,” Liv replied softly, her voice following him down the hall. 


	5. Chapter 5

Liv was up early. She felt so conflicted. She couldn’t stop thinking about the things that had been said the night before, the fight she had with Tucker, the things he said about Noah and to Rafael. She hated that she felt like her relationship was falling apart, like the happiness that had felt within her reach was inching further and further away. She was upset that her best friend had tried to kill himself, that her son didn’t like her boyfriend, that everything felt like it was crumbling around her. 

Liv hated herself for not seeing any signs, for not realizing that Rafael needed help, that he was in a fragile place. She had shattered him beyond repair, and now she wasn’t entirely sure that it was worth it. That it was worth hiding. She missed when it didn’t feel like there were miles of space between the two of them, when it felt like she only had to glance his way and he knew exactly what was going through her head. 

She missed him, she missed the drinks after work that they didn’t meet for anymore, the late night cases, grabbing coffee. Somehow, somewhere, they had let their friendship fall apart, and she blamed herself for that. She had pulled away, and she hoped he knew that it wasn’t his fault. 

It was a long time before there was any sign of Rafael. He appeared close to noon, disheveled and looking less than happy. His demeanor was concerning. His eyes were downcast, his arms crossed, his shoulders hunched. He was radiating sadness. He took a seat on the couch, and Liv stood from where she was sitting at the table, taking off her glasses and setting them down. She walked over toward him, but he didn’t look up. Liv reached her arm out, setting her hand on his shoulder hesitantly. He leaned into it, swallowing heavily, and he finally lifted his head, looking at her. She was taken aback by the sadness and the suffering in his green eyes. She could usually read him, and at the moment, his emotions were completely obvious. “Do you want some coffee?” she asked softly. Liv was trying not to pry into how he was feeling. She was trying to give him space. He shrugged, but then he nodded, so Liv went into the kitchen, reaching for a mug from the cabinet. She poured him coffee and added the cream and sugar before taking it over to him. He took the mug, sipping from it and staring at his lap as he sat there. Liv wasn’t quite sure what to say to him, how to help.

He wasn’t talking much. “Rafa,” Liv said softly. “Do you need anything?” He shook his head. “Alright, I’m going to make some lunch.” He nodded. Liv could see him sitting on the couch, just sipping his coffee, not really watching the tv that he had turned on. Liv was very worried about him. She was counting down the days until she could get him into a therapy session. He had complained more than once that he felt like the medications weren’t helping him very much, but Liv wanted him to wait and give it a chance to do something. 

When she took Rafael a plate of food, he mostly just pushed it around with his fork. Liv sat with Noah on the floor. He had been happily amusing himself with blocks for the better part of an hour. She talked softly to Noah, and he pointed to blocks when she asked him for a certain color. She was working hard to bring up his verbal development. He was very quiet, and it was hard for her not to worry about him. She did everything she could think of: books, singing, talking to him every chance she got. 

She was glad that she had a chance to spend some time with Noah. She wished it was under different circumstances, but it was nice to be home with her son, to be with her friend. What she hated was seeing Rafael suffer. 

She could feel his eyes on her, so she looked at him, but he averted his gaze. He hadn’t really eaten anything save for a few tiny bites. He was anxiously twitching around, his hand tapping his thigh, the braced hand resting on the arm of the sofa. Liv stood up, kissing Noah’s forehead before setting him back on the floor. She took the plate from Rafael, putting it by the sink and getting all his medications together. He took them without a fight, and Liv smiled at him, trying to comfort him or cheer him up any way she could. “How do you feel this morning?” she asked. 

“Like I want to slit my wrists again,” he whispered, and Liv felt like her heart broke into a million pieces. She was glad that he was willing to talk, that he admitted that to her, but it was painful to see him struggling so much. She took a seat on the couch beside him, and she reached for him. She hoped he wouldn’t mind, but she had this overwhelming urge to pull him close and hold him. He went easily, and Liv guided his face against her shoulder, rubbing his back as he dissolved into tears. He absolutely melted into her arms, his body going slack as he let go. 

“Okay, honey, it’s okay,” Liv whispered. His sobs were quiet, but they were rough and painful, and Liv could feel herself falling apart. His right hand was twisted in the back of her shirt, his body quaking in her arms, and Liv stroked her fingers through the hair on the back of his head. “It’s going to be alright, Rafa.” 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry you have to pick up all these pieces. You never asked for this.” 

“I’m happy to be here for you. It’s okay to need help,” Liv promised. He shook his head, pulling away and clumsily wiping at his eyes. 

“I am so tired of this,” he whispered. “I’m tired of dealing with this. I’m tired of feeling like this. I hate myself.” He dropped his head into his hands, and Liv kept a hand on his shoulder. She rubbed up and down, trying to soothe him. It took a little while for him to calm down, but he finally was able to regulate his breathing, and Liv sat with him. 

“Let’s figure this out together,” she said softly. “I’m going to get you a glass of water, and we are going to figure this out.” He nodded. He looked so miserable that Liv wanted to cry. She pushed herself up to her feet, opening the kitchen cabinet and getting him a glass of water. She filled it, taking it back over to him, and he brought the glass up to his lips. His eyes were red, his skin puffy and irritated, and Liv sat down next to him again. “Alright, I know you weren’t interested, but I think you should put some more talk into starting therapy. Dr. Lindstrom really helped me, Rafael.” 

“I don’t know,” he whispered, taking another sip of water. 

“If you want to feel better, you need to give this a chance,” Liv said softly. “Give yourself a chance. Will you let me call and make you an appointment?” He shrugged, but then he finally nodded. “Okay,” Liv said softly. “Alright, you have an appointment tomorrow for rehab, but today, just get some rest.” He nodded again. 

Rafael turned his attention back to the television, and Liv smiled at Noah who was still playing. “You’re doing great with him,” he whispered. His voice was soft, but Liv heard him loud and clear. She looked over to him, swallowing heavily as emotion overwhelmed her. “He’s talking more than the last time I saw him.” 

It meant more to Liv than she could say. She worried about Noah constantly, about her parenting skills, if she could give her son the world. She was doing her best, but it was hard not to let the doubt creep in. “You’re doing great,” Rafael whispered. Liv quietly laid her hand over his, trying to get herself under control. She didn’t want to cry. He didn’t need to see her cry. 

“Thank you for last night,” Liv whispered, and Rafael nodded, smiling softly. 

“No problem,” he said softly. It felt like a step in the right direction, and an olive branch, the beginning of repairing their friendship, and Liv felt good about it. She felt like they might have some chance of fixing the damage. 

……………………….

Liv had just gotten Noah to fall asleep for his nap when she heard Rafael swearing in the bathroom. She felt her heart starting to race, her body kicking into overdrive, and she rushed toward the bathroom. Her hand was on the doorknob when she realized that bursting in would not help anything. She reminded herself that he was probably fine. She knocked. 

“I’m fine,” he said. 

“Rafa,” Liv whispered. “Can I come in?” She heard some more swearing, heard clunking as he threw something. 

“Okay,” he finally said. Liv opened the door, trying to calm her breathing, but he was fine. He was standing there, his face slathered in shaving cream, a razor in his right hand. He looked frustrated and angry, and Liv’s heart went out to him. “I can’t do it,” he whispered. “I just wanted to shave my face, but I can’t.” He threw the razor in the sink and stalked over to the toilet, taking a seat on the closed lid. There were a few shaky lines on one side of his face, and there was a trickle of red on his skin. Liv had to swallow around the lump in her throat. 

She could still see him in that tub, soaking wet hair plastered on his forehead, red blood, gushing from his wrists, coating his skin in crimson. Liv had to shake herself a little bit to banish the image from her mind. She picked the razor up out of the sink, grabbing a towel. She went closer to him, pressing the towel against the cut on his face. He hissed. She looked him in the eyes, and they were full of tears. “Do you want me to help you with this?” It took him a few moments to respond. 

“You don’t have to, Liv,” he whispered. 

“I want to, if you want me to,” she said. “I know the beard has been bothering you.” She had seen him scratching at his face more than once. He finally nodded, averting his eyes. Liv hadn’t ever done this before, but she was determined to be successful for his sake. She continued to press the towel against his face until the bleeding stopped and then she gently nudged him until he turned so she could get a better angle. She was gentle as she shaved his face, using one hand to keep him steady and pull the skin taught and the other to pull the razor over his skin. She could feel his thumping pulse against her fingers, and she swallowed. Liv was gentle, careful not to knick his skin as she worked diligently. 

“My hand is shaky,” Rafael whispered. 

“It’s okay,” Liv said softly. “I’ve got you.” 

“I’m so tired of all this,” Rafael whispered. “I shouldn’t be feeling sorry for myself. I did this.” 

“Rafa, don’t think like that,” Liv whispered. He made a face. “Hold still, I don’t want to cut you.” He went quiet then, and Liv focused on the razor. It felt intimate, being so close to him, the way her hand was steadying his face, the eye contact. Rafael averted his eyes after a couple of moments, but Liv wished he wouldn’t. He had gorgeous eyes. She swallowed. Where had that come from? 

Liv winced as she realized her hand slipped a little bit. She checked his skin, but he looked fine. “Sorry,” she whispered. 

“It’s alright,” Rafael replied. She gathered herself before she started again. It didn’t take much longer, and then she helped him wipe his face off and apply the aftershave. He looked better, refreshed once she was done, and she smiled at him. 

“It’s going to be okay, Rafa,” she promised softly. He nodded, and she saw the emotion in his eyes. Liv patted his arm before she backed away, leaving the room to give him some privacy. She pulled her phone out of her pocket, taking a look at her messages. There were a few from Tucker. 

_ I’m sorry. _

_ Let me make it up to you.  _

_ Dinner? _

She sighed. She was starting to get a headache. 

…………………..

Liv didn’t know why she had forced herself into a dress and a pair of strappy heels for this. She wished she had taken some aspirin before she left. She felt bad, leaving Rafael with Lucy again, leaving her son to go out for dinner, and it was hard not to worry. She was trying to have a nice time in spite of everything, but it was a challenge. 

The alcohol was helping. She had a nice glass of cabernet, and dinner was delicious which was helping with her mood. Tucker was groveling, and it was nice. 

“So,” Tucker said. “How was Noah today?” 

“He’s good,” Liv said, smiling. “We played a lot of blocks. I read him a book, and then he took a nap. Now he’s with Lucy.” 

“It’s a shame that Barba can’t watch him. You spend all that money on his nanny,” Tucker said. Liv sighed. 

“I wouldn’t ask him to do that, especially not while he’s trying to recover like this. It’s not his job to watch Noah,” Liv said. Tucker smiled at her, his face a little bit tense. 

“What did you do today then? I’m sure it wasn’t only blocks with Noah,” Ed said. Liv took another sip of wine. 

“I was up early. I didn’t sleep well. I answered some work emails, I cleaned up a little bit. Rafael needed some help shaving. His hands are still a little bit weak,” Liv said. She saw Ed roll his eyes, and she felt a protectiveness come over her. She didn’t want to pick a fight though. They had been having enough fights. It really bothered her that he would make that face, that he found something wrong with Rafael needing some help. She knew Rafael was proud, and it was hard to convince him to accept her help sometimes, but he was being more and more cooperative. Ed had this attitude that reminded her a little bit of Brian, and it bothered her. There was a point where it was okay to be vulnerable, to need help, but she always seemed to find the men who didn’t understand that not all masculinity had to be fragile or toxic. 

Liv felt broken. She knew that she was a mess when it came to love. She had commitment issues, and she never seemed to pick a man who actually knew her, who cared for her, and she was tired. She was so tired of it. Tucker made things easy. He knew the job, he didn’t get upset when she didn’t have time. He understood that part of her, but she was beginning to question if he understood any other part. She was questioning if he could handle Noah. She wondered why he felt so insecure in their relationship that it bothered him to have Rafael staying with her. She felt like she was overthinking, and she was annoyed. 

She felt like her head was pounding, and all she wanted to do was go home and lay down, but then she would be thinking about Rafael, and she would worry, and she probably wasn’t going to get any sleep for the next decade. Liv swallowed the rest of her wine. 

…………………

Rafael was sitting up in the living room, moping when the door opened. Liv looked harried when she came inside, hanging her coat up and taking her heels off. She smiled at him, but she looked tired. He could relate. “Hey,” she said. “Did you take your medicine?” 

“Yeah,” he said softly. “How was your night?” 

“Good,” she said, but it wasn’t convincing. Rafael hated himself for the surge of happiness. He wasn’t happy that Liv had a bad night, he was happy that Tucker was failing miserably, and he was furious with himself for it. Liv disappeared into the kitchen, and he had to turn his attention to the tv to ignore how beautiful she looked in her dress. She came back, taking a seat beside him and pouring herself a huge glass of wine. He stared at it longingly. “I’m sorry,” she whispered after a second. “Should I--Should I put this away? I wasn’t even thinking.” 

“No,” Rafael said, waving her off. “Enjoy yourself.” She smiled, taking a long sip. “Was it that bad?” he asked. She shrugged, so he let her brush the question off. 

“How was Noah?” Liv asked. 

“Let’s see, no one died, he ate some apple sauce, we watched a little bit of Paw Patrol. I’d call it a good night,” Rafael said, and she laughed. 

“You seem to be in a better mood,” Liv said, reaching out to touch his shoulder, and he looked at her. She was tipsy. He was sure of it. 

“The shave helped,” he said softly. “I think maybe I was wrong. The medicine is helping a little bit. I feel a little better.” 

“I’m so glad, Rafa,” Liv said. “Is there a movie on?” 

“You can look,” Rafael said, handing her the remote. She clicked through the channels until she found something she wanted to watch. They talked through the movie, softly, and Rafael made a few jokes. He really was feeling better, and he couldn’t bear to see Liv sad. She finished a bottle of wine all on her own, and she was getting more and more intoxicated. She was laughing harder at his jokes, sitting closer to him as her inhibitions lowered, and he wished that he wasn’t hoping it was real. He wished he wasn’t desperately praying that she loved him. When she put a hand on his leg, he swallowed heavily, reaching down to take her hand. His body was aching to lean into her soft touch. He could already feel his eyes slipping shut, but he couldn’t. He moved it off of his leg. He was not that kind of man. No matter how much he wanted her, he would absolutely never take advantage of her. 

“Rafa,” Liv whispered, and her breath was warm. 

“Hm, Liv?” he asked. 

“I’ve missed you,” she said softly. He felt tears pricking his eyes, swallowing around the lump in his throat. 

“I’ve missed you too, Liv,” he replied as the credits traveled down the screen. 

Liv was so close to him now that he was feeling flushed. He could smell her perfume, and she was reaching for him again. He gently grabbed her wrists. “Liv, honey,” he said softly. “I think it’s time to go to sleep.” 

“Maybe you’re right,” she said. “M’tired.” 

“Here, let me take you back to bed,” he said softly, standing up, and Liv got up so quickly, he had to grab her with his good hand. She was all over him on the way down the hall. He was going to get her into her own bed so she could get a good night of sleep, and he would camp out on the couch. 

She was kissing his neck in the bedroom, and he swallowed before gently pushing her back a step. “Liv, you’re too drunk. You don’t know what you’re doing. Let me just get you in bed. It’s time to sleep.” 

“You’re too serious,” Liv said, grabbing for him again. It was hard for him to push her away with only one hand. She was being very persistent with him. 

“Liv, come on,” he said. 

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry,” she slurred. Rafael got her a shirt and some sweatpants out of her drawer. 

“Can you change?” he asked softly. She started to pull at the dress, but she couldn’t get it unzipped on her own, so he did it for her, cursing under his breath the whole time. He averted his eyes as he helped her into the shirt, and she managed the sweatpants on her own. When she climbed in bed, he pulled the covers up for her, but she pulled him down on the bed. “Liv,” he said as she tried to kiss him again. “Liv, stop.” 

“But, Rafa, I’ll be lonely if you leave. Please stay?” She was giving him the best puppy dog eyes, and Rafael couldn’t say no that. He would leave when she fell asleep. 

“Okay, okay,” he said softly. “Let me just go get you a glass of water, and I’ll stay.” Rafael went to the kitchen, and he took his sleep medicine so he would be ready to go to sleep once he made it out of the bedroom. He grabbed a few ibuprofen for Liv and the glass of water he promised. He took it back to her, and she obediently drank it for him. He sat on the other side of the bed, and he started to put pillows between them. Rafael turned the lights off, and Liv laid down. She was staring at him, laying on her side, and Rafael was trying not to laugh. She reached out, touching his arm, and he let her. He couldn’t bring himself to deny her that or to deny it to himself. Even just soft touches felt so nice. He couldn’t remember the last person to hug him before Olivia. 

“You have pretty eyes,” she whispered, and he smiled. 

“Thanks,” he whispered.  _ All of you is beautiful.  _ “Try to get some sleep, Liv.” She was restless though, and then she was draped all over him, snoring, and he didn’t want to disturb her. He felt drowsy and comforted, so he closed his eyes, knowing he was going to hate himself in the morning. 

……………………….

Liv’s mouth felt incredibly dry, and her eyes felt sticky and glued shut. When she managed to blink, the white light made her headache, the thudding nearly unbearable. Her stomach was rolling with nausea. As she shifted, she heard a soft grunt from beneath her, and then she opened her eyes, feeling her heart drop as she saw his familiar Harvard tee shirt. He was blinking, his arms moving from where they rested across her back, and she hated herself for the disappointment she felt. “Morning,” he whispered. “How do you feel?” 

“What--What the hell--” Liv started to whisper. She didn’t know what to say. She was ashamed of herself. She wasn’t sure what happened or how she acted, how she had ended up in this position. She knew that Rafael wouldn’t ever take advantage of her in any way, but she wasn’t sure what she had said or done. She vaguely remembered pressing her lips against his as he tried to push her away, and Liv felt sick. 

“Nothing happened,” he said softly. “You just had a little too much wine.” There was this quietness to his voice. He sounded upset, and Liv hated herself. She had made him uncomfortable. 

“Rafa, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” she said. 

“It’s alright, Liv. I’m sorry I ended up here all night. I meant to go sleep on the couch, but I didn’t want to wake you up. I should have--I’m sorry,” he said. He wasn’t meeting her eyes anymore. Liv quickly rolled off of him, and he sat up slowly, running his fingers through his hair. They didn’t do any more talking. Liv stood up, wavering on her feet before she headed into the bathroom. There was mascara streaked under her eyes, and she looked rough. She wet a washcloth, wiping her face the best she could. She felt disgusting, sweaty and she wanted to disappear. 

She had always been attracted to Barba, that wasn’t a secret, and somewhere inside of her, she had hoped he might share those feelings. She was a mess. She was terrified that he shared her feelings because she knew they wouldn’t survive a relationship. She ruined men. She pushed them away and broke them, and she wasn’t going to do that to him, so she had tucked her feelings away, but she had still hoped that he might love her. She didn’t think that he did anymore. She had made him uncomfortable, and she hated herself for it. 

It didn’t matter anyway, she wasn’t going to do that to him, to them. She could be happy with Tucker. She loved him. It was different than the way she felt for Rafael, but she did love him. She could love Tucker without destroying them, without losing her best friend. She could love Tucker without blowing up their careers. The issue with IAB had cleared itself up, and they were in the clear. Loving Tucker was simple and clean, and it was so much easier, so she didn’t know why she started crying when climbed under the spray of the shower. 

………………………………..

Rafael was laying in bed, looking up at the ceiling, wishing he hadn’t upset Liv so much. He had been thinking it all day, during his rehab appointments and after as he moped around the house. He could see how upset Liv was. It wasn’t hard to read her. He could see the way her shoulders were slumped, the tear streaks on her face. He didn’t say anything about them; he didn’t talk to her unless prompted. 

No matter how much he was trying not to hurt her, he seemed to be ruining things at every turn, and he hated himself for it. Instead, he read the book Carisi had brought him, he did his exercises, and he took his medicine. He didn’t have the energy for any of it. He was upset with himself, with the world, with everything that was going on. 

He thought about how this breakdown would affect his career. He wasn’t even sure if he still had a job. He thought about all the ways he had ever disappointed people. He had disappointed his father from the beginning. Everything about him had been a disappointment from his sexuality to his stature. He had disappointed his mother by selfishly trying to end his life. She had blamed him, rightfully for the death of his grandmother. Disappointing his abuelita, the only source of unconditional love that he’d ever had, was a pain far greater than the others. He had pushed to put her in that nursing home, in essence killing her, and he would never forgive himself for that. Now, he had even disappointed Liv. Worse, he’d hurt her in more ways than he could understand. 

He had been trying to help her, to help everyone. They were better off without him, and yes, he’d been trying to help himself. He was so tired of struggling. He was tired of feeling horrible, and he needed it to stop. Rafael wondered if Liv would notice if he snuck a glass of wine. He could tell her he was going to take a nap and swallow a handful of his sleep medication. She wouldn’t come looking for him until it was too late. 

He closed the book, standing up, and heading out to the kitchen. Liv was on the couch. He opened the fridge, grabbing the bottle of wine that was in there. He poured a glass for himself, grabbing the bottle of pills and taking them back to the bedroom. He went back to where Liv was sitting, taking a seat beside her. He peeked over at her. She was watching tv. “Hey,” she said softly. 

“Hey, I just um--thanks for letting me stay here,” he said softly. He hugged her, and she held him tighter than he expected, and he couldn’t help himself. He melted against her, shutting his eyes and letting out a little sigh. It wouldn’t matter anyway.  

“Any time, Rafa,” Liv whispered. 

“I’m tired. Um, I’m going to take a nap,” Rafael said, hating that he felt the need to lie. Liv nodded, and that was it. He stood up, heading back to the bedroom, shutting the door, and he took a seat on the bed. It took a few deep breaths before he moved closer to the nightstand, sipping the wine he’d brought himself. He was shaking again. He took another gulp, reaching for the pill bottle, but when it was in his hands, he froze. He was thinking about Liv finding him in her bed, cold, his lips blue. He could picture her frantically feeling his neck, screaming, calling 911. 

She would tear herself apart for not keeping a better eye on him. He would be hurting her, and he wasn’t sure he could bear to hurt her anymore. He threw the pill bottle on the ground, swearing softly, angry tears filling his eyes.  _ You’re such a selfish asshole. _ Tears were burning his eyes, and he pulled his legs up on the bed, sniffling as he pressed his face against his thighs. He wished he wasn’t so weak, that he wasn’t a selfish asshole. He wished that the pain would ease up. He wasn’t sure how much more pain he could take before he was irreparably damaged. He wasn’t sure that he wasn’t irreparably damaged already. Rafael cried himself out before he went to clean up. Liv could never find out about this. 


	6. Chapter 6

Liv was making spaghetti. She was exhausted. Tucker had been texting her for hours, wanting to come over, and she wasn’t sure she could handle another showdown between Tucker and Rafael, and she certainly didn’t want to hear her boyfriend trashing her best friend. She just wanted to have a quiet night. She would spend time with Tucker later. 

She stirred the sauce in the pan, taking a sip of wine before peeking into the living room. Rafael and Noah were playing with legos again on the floor, and Noah was laughing. Liv smiled. Her son seemed to gravitate to Rafael, and she was trying to intercept it sometimes to give Rafael a chance to rest. He was still visibly struggling, a lot, and although she had a therapy appointment set up for him, she was worrying about him almost constantly. Liv wished she could help him more. 

She felt useless. Sometimes she wondered if she hurt him more than she helped. She had been the one to cause a lot of damage in the first place. She’d hurt him. It was her fault. She had pushed him over the edge. 

“Mm, that smells good.” Rafael’s voice startled her, and she almost spilled wine all over herself. 

“Jesus,” Liv said softly. 

“Sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to scare you. Are you making garlic bread?” 

“I wasn't going to,” Liv said. 

“Here, let me. What’s spaghetti without garlic bread?” he said. Liv laughed a little bit. He was in a good mood for the first time in a few days. He started cutting the bread with his good hand, and Liv helped him by stabilizing the loaf. He laid it out on a tray, adding spices and butter until he deemed it ready to go in the oven. He was putting it in the oven when Liv saw Noah out of the corner of her eye. He had climbed on top of the sofa, and he was about to go crashing to the ground. 

“Noah!” she said, rushing over to grab him. He started crying, and then he was screaming. She couldn’t tell if he was just angry or really scared because she raised her voice, but he wasn’t calming down as she tried to comfort him. She could hear the noodles boiling, and she felt her blood pressure rising. “Rafa,” she said. “Can you please hold him for a second?” Rafael looked surprised as she practically dumped Noah into his arms, but he shifted the toddler around, holding him close. Liv rushed over to fix and finish dinner, and she barely noticed that Noah stopped crying. When she looked up though, she saw Rafael holding Noah tight, swaying with him and talking to him softly. Noah had his head pressed against his Uncle’s shoulder, and Liv couldn’t help but smile at the two of them. 

………………………….

Rafael was watching tv, still dressed in a tee shirt and his boxers. He was picking at a string that was coming off the blanket when he felt the couch dip with Liv’s weight. She was holding out half a mug of coffee toward him, and it was obvious she was trying to cheer him up. She gently rubbed his arm. “What are we watching?” she asked. 

“Food Network,” he said softly. He wasn’t really even paying attention to the tv. 

“Mm, food. Why am I not surprised?” she teased. He smiled a little bit to himself. 

“How’s your hand feeling?” Liv asked. 

“Just peachy,” he whispered. It was still really painful for him. He was doing all his stretches just like he was told, but he was scared it wasn’t going to keep improving. In Liv’s bedroom, he had made a decision that he was going to try to fight, even if it was only for long enough to get out of Liv’s apartment and back on his own, but he was scared that he had permanently damaged his hand. 

Rafael was scared of a lot of things. The future was terrifying. Thinking about the future, about trying to live, about trying to be happy, terrified him. He didn’t know how to be happy, it felt like it had been so long since he’d experienced the emotion. Liv made him happy. Seeing her face, hearing her voice, that was enough to raise his spirits, but then he would just sink back down into the depression. “Does it hurt?” Liv asked. “Tell me the truth.” 

“Some,” he replied. 

“I’ll get you some pain medicine,” Liv said. He swallowed his medicine with the coffee, and Liv brought him jello to eat with it. 

“Did Noah go down easy?” he asked softly while he picked at the jello. 

“He’s cranky,” Liv said softly. “He fell asleep though.” 

“I would’ve thought I tired him out with all those legos. He was running all over the place,” Rafael said. Liv laughed. “When are you going to go back to work?” Rafael knew she couldn’t stay there with him forever. 

“Maybe next week. I think I deserve a vacation,” Liv said, and Rafael snorted. 

“It’s well deserved,” Rafael agreed. He appreciated her explicitly saying that she was staying to watch him like a hawk. She was trying to stay out of his way, but he still knew she would watch him, watch almost every move he made. He could hear her idling outside the bathroom door when he was taking too long to get ready. She worried about him, and he hated himself for making her worry. “They’re probably imploding without us.” Liv laughed. 

“Probably,” she agreed. It was comfortable. He felt like he could talk to Olivia about anything he wanted, and he hadn’t felt that way with almost anyone else his entire life. Liv was someone he could trust, someone he could open up to and be vulnerable around. 

It made him emotional to think about how much she meant to him. She wasn’t only his best friend, but she’d taken him into her home to take care of it when he needed her most, and it made her very happy. They talked for a while before they got distracted by something on the tv, and as they were watching, Rafael started to feel drowsy. He couldn’t keep his eyes open, so he let the exhaustion consume him. 

……………………

It was still dark when Rafael opened his eyes. He was exhausted, and he just wanted to go back to sleep, but he could smell Liv’s perfume, and he could feel a warm body against him. He was trying not to let himself get worked up, to let himself imagine anything other than the reality that they must have fallen asleep on the couch together. Liv was leaning against his chest. And he couldn’t stop himself from wrapping an arm around her and reaching for a blanket to cover them both as he let himself shut his eyes. 

He felt safer with her right there near him. He felt better like that. He loved her. It was unavoidable, and he hated himself for enjoying this, but being so close to her was something he relished because it would probably never happen again. He knew it meant nothing. He knew Liv hadn’t done it on purpose, but still, he allowed himself just a little bit of happiness for a few more hours. 

…………………….

Rafael was tired as he opened his eyes once more. It was starting to get light out, and he blinked, trying to shift around, but then he remembered how they’d fallen asleep. Liv was still leaned against his chest, and he couldn’t help but fork his fingers through her soft hair, just once. The self-loathing was reaching an all-time high. He hated himself for wanting what he had no right to have. He hated himself for enjoying what wasn’t his to enjoy. He was pretending, acting like they were something they weren’t, and it was wrong. It was wrong, but it felt so right to hold her like that. It felt right to be with her. 

He held her tight despite his reservations, despite the fact that he knew it was wrong. He was being selfish, and he felt like an asshole, but that wasn’t new, ad he needed something, he needed someone. He would let himself, just this once. He allowed himself a few precious moments before he carefully pulled away. He was trying not to wake her, but her eyes fluttered open, and she was looking at him sleepily. He had to fight a strong urge to kiss her, but he smothered it, internally cursing himself. “Guess we fell asleep,” Liv whispered. He smiled a little bit. 

“Yeah,” he said. “Good detective work.” 

“They didn’t make me a lieutenant for no reason,” Liv teased, and he laughed. She made him smile even when he felt broken. “I’m gonna go check on Noah,” Liv said after a moment. “You’re welcome to coffee or whatever you’d like. 

It took Rafael a couple of minutes to figure out Liv’s coffee maker, but he managed to start a pot. He still felt tired, but a cup of coffee would help to fix that. His back was aching from the couch, but somehow, he was feeling better than he had in a while. There was something about being near Liv that put him in a good mood, and he needed to savor the happiness he could find. He was clutching at it, trying to hold on as long as he could because he knew the sadness, the deep sense of hopelessness, would be back any minute. 

He smiled when Liv appeared with Noah, and he sat with Noah at the table while Liv made breakfast. Noah smiled at him, and Rafael smiled back. “Paw Patrol?” Noah asked after a moment, and Rafael chuckled. 

“After breakfast, if it’s okay with your Mom,” he said softly. 

“Later, Noah. I think you watched a lot of tv yesterday,” Liv said. “How about we play some blocks.” Noah glared, but he didn’t say anything. Rafael tried not to laugh. He wasn’t very hungry when Liv brought the food. His appetite had been declining intermittently for a while. He knew it was probably a symptom of his depression. He picked at the eggs anyways, taking a few small bites, but food made him feel sick. He didn’t feel like he could eat the rest. 

Noah finished his food, and Liv settled on the floor with him in the living room. Rafael was sitting on the couch, watching. Liv’s phone went off shortly after they’d taken a seat, and she looked annoyed to have to leave her son to speak on the phone. Rafael sat down beside Noah as he heard Liv head down the hallway, talking on the phone. Noah had a few blocks stacked up, and Rafael smiled at him, reaching for one. They just stacked the blocks for a while, but then he was thinking about how Liv had said Noah’s development was behind, how worried she looked. She was letting him stay with her, and he was determined to help her in some way. He picked up an orange block, looking at Noah fondly. “Hey, amigo,” Rafael said. “Do you know what color this is?” Noah looked at him curiously, so he waited for a second. Noah didn’t answer. Rafael picked up a blue block, going for something a little easier. “How about this one?” 

“Blue,” Noah said, and Rafael smiled. 

“Yay, that’s right, it’s blue. You’re so smart,” he said, and Noah grinned. “How about we try a few more?” 

……………………….

Liv finally finished her phone call with Carisi, trying not to think about work exploding without her. It was hard for her not to be there, but at the same time, she knew it was good. She could spend more time with Noah, she could keep an eye on Rafael, and she needed some time to relax for herself. She was heading back to the living room, considering the merits of going to the park, but when she walked in, she saw Rafael sitting on the floor with her son, playing blocks. All she could do was stand there for a moment and stare. 

A wave of feeling was crashing over her, seeing her best friend and her son together, and she was so happy to see them playing like that. She took a step closer. “Alright amigo, let’s try this one again.” Rafael’s voice was soft. She saw him pick up a block, an orange block and hold it up to Noah. Noah looked at it curiously for a couple of moments. “Come on, buddy, you can do it,” Rafael said after a couple of moments of silence. “What color is it?” 

“Orange,” Noah finally said, and Liv’s heart soared. She felt tears pricking her eyes. Noah almost never got that one right. He took a lot of encouragement, and it took a lot of patience, and Liv could barely breathe watching Rafael take the time to work with him, to be patient like that. He was teaching Noah like she would, and it made her heartache in a way that she didn’t understand. She wanted to cry because she was happy, but she was also sad, and she couldn’t think about all the reasons that her heart felt like it had been ripped from her chest and stomped on. She couldn’t face that. She wiped at her eyes, walking toward him, taking a seat beside them both, and leaning closer. 

“What are we doing here?” she asked with a huge smile. Rafael looked at her, noticing the tears almost immediately. 

“Are you alright?” he asked. She reached for her son, picking him up and settling him on her lap so she could hold him. 

“I’m great. Don’t let me interrupt,” she said. 

“We’re practicing our colors,” Rafael said, smiling at Noah. “Aren’t we, amigo?” Noah nodded, and Liv had to ignore the flutter in her chest. 

………………………….

Rafael had just finished a session of hand therapy, and he was waiting in the lobby for Liv to get him. He was seething. It was incredibly frustrating to him that he could do so little, and he had no one to blame for that other than himself. If he was going to try and make it through this for Liv, he needed a functioning hand, and it was getting hard for him to see that as a possibility. He could barely move it at all. 

They told him he was doing fine, but he didn’t believe them. He didn’t know what to believe, and he felt like he was going to be sick. He wanted to break something or just lay down and cry for the rest of the day. His arms were crossed, and he was staring angrily at the floor when Liv came in. “Hey, sorry I’m late. I had to swing by the precinct and grab some papers. You ready to go?” 

He stood up wordlessly, crossing his arms and stalking out to the car. He didn’t say anything when Liv climbed in. “Buckle your seatbelt,” Liv said. He tugged at it with his good hand, shoving the pieces together far harder than necessary. “Let’s go get some lunch,” she said. He didn’t respond. He didn’t trust himself to say anything nice. He knew his temper too well, and he didn’t want to be rude to Liv. He couldn’t be rude to Liv. 

She pulled into a deli that he vaguely recognized the name of. They had probably gotten take out from there before. Liv could surely tell he was in a bad mood, and she wasn’t prodding him. They sat down; she got him a booth just like she knew he liked, and he started looking through the menu. He still wasn’t hungry, but he knew he liked the food from this place. They had really good sandwiches, and maybe, if the food was really good, he could force himself to eat it. He wanted to feel normal. He was sick and tired of being miserable, but he couldn’t change it no matter how hard he tried. 

He looked through the menu slowly, settling on a sandwich that looked good. When the waitress came, he ordered a soda. He didn’t usually drink soda, but he wanted some caffeine to help his splitting headache. 

Liv was looking at him, but he didn’t know what to say, and he hated that. Liv was his best friend, and he wanted to talk to her, to tell her she was helping. He wanted to tell her that he was grateful for everything she was doing, but he wasn’t sure that he could speak without completely losing his shit. Liv was talking to him, telling him about Noah, and something about Carisi, but Rafael wasn’t listening. He was lost in his own mind. 

He sipped at his soda and toyed with his napkin while they waited for the food. He asked a few generic questions to keep Liv talking. He was sure she realized he wasn’t listening, but she wasn’t going to call him on it. 

When his sandwich came out, he was glad to have something to do, but it was a long sandwich, and he was having trouble picking it up with one hand. His previous frustration wasn’t helping anything. He was beginning to wonder whether his hand was ever going to get better if he had given himself a permanent disability. His hand was aching, and he was tired from not sleeping well. He was on the verge of a breakdown. “Rafa.” He looked up, finally recognizing Liv’s voice, and she looked worried. “Is everything alright?” 

“Nothing is alright,” he said softly, standing. “I can’t even eat by myself. I’m just--I need some fresh air. I’ll be right back.” He went outside, trying not to have a panic attack, trying not to let himself spiral, but he was upset, and he could feel the tears right there, ready to fall. 

He was sucking in air rapidly, and he had to steady himself with a hand on the side of the building. He felt lightheaded like he was going to pass out, and he had to take a few moments to calm himself down, a few tears escaping his eyes. He swiped at them angrily, managing to get a handle on his feelings. He wasn’t sure how long he could keep his hold, but he was doing his best to last until they made it back home. 

It was strange to think of Liv’s apartment as home, but it felt a hell of a lot more welcoming than his own place. He was so grateful to her for allowing him to stay there, for making him feel like someone cared about his well being. He knew that if his mother wasn’t so caught up in her own beliefs, she would be worrying about him too. She was worrying about him in a way, but it was misguided, and he wasn’t strong enough to deal with it at the moment. He could handle being berated. 

Liv was there for him, she was making him feel safe, making him feel loved, and he was so grateful. He knew he wouldn’t ever survive this without her. He would have given up. He would have taken those pills or tried to slash his wrists again. He wouldn’t have pushed through. He wouldn’t be fighting himself. 

He finally went back inside, wiping his eyes and taking a seat at the table. Liv had cut his sandwich up into smaller pieces, and he felt the tears returning. “Thank you,” He whispered tearfully. Liv reached across the table, laying her hand over his. It amazed him that a soft touch could be so comforting. 

“Did something happen earlier?” Liv asked softly. “Did you get bad news?” He shook his head, wiping at his eyes again as he started to eat. 

The food was good, and he was finally able to calm himself down enough to eat quietly. Liv didn’t push him to talk, and he was grateful for that. 

As they were heading out to the car, she stopped. “Damn it,” she whispered. “I forgot a file at the precinct. Is it alright if we swing back there real quick?” He nodded, climbing into the car. 

Rafael was gonna sit in the car while Liv went inside, but she didn’t seem to want to leave him alone. He tiredly got up, trailing her inside slowly. He was feeling self-conscious again, tugging at his sleeves, trying to cover up the scars. They had taken the stitches out just a few days before, and now his wounds were covered with steri strips. He hated the brace, and he hated how achy both his arms felt. He was exhausted, and all he wanted to do was sleep, but sleep brought bad dreams, and he was just so tired of dealing with all the bullshit in his life. 

It felt like there were a lot of people looking at him once he reached the door to the squad room, but Liv was there, next to him, and she offered her hand. He took it. Liv’s hand felt like it was grounding him with soft touch, and he let her lead him to her office. He heard someone stand up as they walked by, but he simply kept his gaze in front of him. He was already a mess, and he couldn’t deal with anything else. It was like Liv could tell how fragile he was feeling. She walked him into her office, sitting him down on the couch. She was at her desk for a moment, looking for the papers she needed, but she couldn’t seem to find it. Rafael was mostly just staring at his hands. “Maybe Fin has it. I’ll be right back.” Rafael just nodded. He was starting to feel his emotions overwhelming him once more, and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. 

“Hey, Barba!” Carisi’s voice startled him. “How are you feeling?” 

Rafael shrugged, standing up. He was feeling restless and upset about his hand. He pulled at his sleeves again, wandering over toward Liv’s desk. “How’s the hand?” It was the exact wrong thing to ask, and Rafael lashed out. He knocked a picture frame off of Liv’s desk, and the sound of shattering glass was so satisfying, he swung again. He could hear Carisi’s voice, sounding panicked, but the words weren’t registering. Rafael was seeing red, smashing things and knocking them off of Liv’s desk. He was angry and terrified, and he needed an outlet. He was practically blinded by his rage. He was so angry at himself for fucking everything up again, and he felt tears streaming down his cheeks and continued to throw things off of the desk. Staplers, papers, picture frames, a lamp. 

“Rafa,” Liv’s voice cut into his awareness, and he looked at her for a moment, breathing heavily as he surveyed the damage. There was shattered glass on the floor and picture frames, paper was everywhere, but he still wanted to break more. 

“I’m so tired of this,” he said, tears starting to run down his cheeks. “I’m sorry, I’m just so tired.” 

“Take a breath,” Liv said, reaching for him, but he jerked away. 

“Don’t,” he said. “I fucked everything up.” He shoved a chair over, still feeling like he was losing it. “My hand is not going to be the same. I wasn’t supposed to….I wasn’t…” he collapsed down to the floor on his knees, sobbing, and he felt Liv pull him against her. “I wasn’t supposed to live,” he whispered. She ran her hand over his hair, whispering softly to him. “I want to get better, Liv,” he whispered. “I wasn’t supposed to want to live. I wasn’t supposed to wake up, and now everything is messed up.” 

“It’s not messed up. Who said that your hand wasn’t going to get better?” Liv asked softly. 

“I can’t even move it, Liv, I completely severed two tendons, and he said there could be nerve damage. I fucked it all up. I need my hand. I messed everything up,” he whispered. 

“You can’t move it much yet, but what did the doctor say?” Liv asked softly. 

“He said the damage was unclear,” Rafael said, tears still streaming down his cheeks. 

“He said you could regain close to full function,” Liv reminded him. “It’s not time to panic right now. It’s time to take a deep breath. This is your left hand. If you don’t quite get it back to exactly where it was before, it’s not the end of the world. You need to calm down a little bit.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry that I--” 

“No,” Liv whispered. “No.” 

“But I--” 

“You did what you felt you had to do. I want you to never feel that way ever again, but you shouldn’t be sorry. You don’t have to be sorry for that,”  Liv said. 

“Barba,” Sonny said softly, and Rafael looked over at him where he was kneeling down beside them. “Rafael, you’re worrying too much. Right now, you need to focus on getting better. Do what they tell you at therapy, do what the doctor says, and don’t stray from their instructions. Liv and I will help you figure everything out if it comes to that point, but right now, just do what they say, and you’ll give yourself the best chance to improve.” Rafael’s lip quivered.

Liv was still holding him close, and he let his head fall against her shoulder as he cried. She rubbed his back, and Carisi was sitting beside them both. Liv was glad she had shut the door on her way in. Rafael didn’t need people staring at him. Liv was trying to calm him down, but she also recognized that he needed to let some of his emotions out. He was losing energy quickly, feeling wiped out from his morning, and all he wanted to do was close his eyes and lean against Liv, but he needed to stay awake. It wasn’t a very good time to sleep. He sniffled, his breath hitching, and he felt drained. “Barba, do you want some water?” Sonny asked softly. 

“Yes please,” Rafael whispered. He heard the door open and shut, and then a few moments later, Carisi returned. 

“Maybe we should get you up on the couch to drink this,” Sonny said. Rafael didn’t say anything. 

“That’s a good idea, Sonny,” Liv said. “Give me a hand.” She turned her attention to Rafael. “Rafa, we’re just going to help you up, okay?” He nodded. He felt strong hands under both his arms and once he got his legs under him, he put some effort into standing up. They guided him to the couch, and he sat down, tiredly, taking the water and sipping it. He surveyed the mess he’d made, cringing. 

“Liv,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry. I can--Let me clean it up.” He started to try and stand, but he was feeling light-headed and dizzy, so he had to stop. Liv grabbed him to keep him from falling. 

“I’ve got it,” Sonny said. “Just sit.” 

“You guys shouldn’t have to clean up after me. I’m sorry,” Rafael said, feeling a fresh wave of tears coming on. 

“It’s okay, we’re going to clean up, and it’s going to be okay,” Liv said. He sipped his water, feeling his eyes drifting shut, and he fought it, but he was so tired. “Go to sleep if you need to,” Liv said. “I’ll wake you up in a bit. It’s alright.” 

Rafael couldn’t hold back. He set his cup aside, curling up on the couch, and as he started to fade, he felt someone drape a jacket over him. 


	7. Chapter 7

Rafael’s leg was shaking as he sat in the little chair, strapping and unstrapping the velcro on his brace. He was nervous. He hadn’t ever tried talk therapy before, and he wasn’t particularly excited to give it a try, but he wanted to get better, and he hoped this would help. Liv had sworn to him up and down that it was useful. He wasn’t sure exactly when he’d gone from so desperate, he slit his wrists to wanting to get better, but he didn’t want to die. He wanted to find a way to be happy, to feel like his friendship with Liv was enough. He wanted to find a way to be okay. 

Liv had stayed with him to fill out the paperwork, she’d held his hand when he was shaking, but then he had told her to leave. He didn’t want to think about her sitting in the waiting room if he told Dr. Lindstrom that he loved her, that her relationship had pushed him over the edge. 

He hated himself, and he felt sick about it. All he wanted to do was tell Liv how sorry he was, but he didn’t want her to know. He didn’t want her carrying that guilt. She didn’t deserve it. 

She’d been nothing but loving and supportive toward him, and she didn’t deserve to suffer because he was pathetic. 

He jumped when the office door opened. The older man held out a hand to Rafael, and he took it. The man’s eyes were kind which was somewhat comforting. “Rafael, I’m Dr. Lindstrom. How are you today?” 

“Okay I guess,” Rafael said, shoving his hands in his pockets. 

“Do you want to come sit down with me?” Dr. Lindstrom said, moving aside. Rafael went into the room. “Anywhere you feel comfortable is fine.” He had Rafael fill out a questionnaire that described how he was feeling. It seemed like there was endless paperwork where he wrote about his personal relationships, his brief stint in the psych wing, a questionnaire assessing his suicidal thoughts. Once he finished the paperwork, Lindstrom set a glass of water down beside him, tucking all the forms away into a folder. “We’re just going to talk a little bit now if that’s alright with you.” 

“Okay,” Rafael said.

“I know Olivia directed you here, but I want to know what you want to get out of therapy,” Lindstrom said. 

“I want to feel better,” Rafael said softly. “I’ve been miserable for a very long time, and I am so tired of it. I just want to feel happy.” 

“Can you explain to me what you mean by miserable?” Dr. Lindstrom asked. 

“I feel guilty, alone, like I’m a burden,” Rafael said softly. 

“We’re definitely going to come back to that later, but let’s talk a little bit about your friends and family. Can you tell me who you would consider your support system?” Lindstrom asked. 

“Liv,” Rafael said immediately. “She’s the person I would call no matter what.”  _ You didn’t call her before.  _ He ignored the cynical voice in his brain. 

“Is she the only one?” Lindstrom prodded. 

“Rita,” Rafael added after a moment of hesitation. “She’s a friend from college. And Carisi, he works with Liv and I. The squad at work is there for me, but Liv and Carisi especially. That’s it.” He paused. “Well, I guess Noah too.” Saying that part made him smile to himself. 

Lindstrom smiled at him. “Alright, how about any family?” 

“My mother is still alive,” Rafael said. “My father has been dead for years, and my Grandmother died last year, so it’s pretty much just my Mom.” 

“And your relationship with your mother?” Lindstrom asked. 

“Poor,” Rafael responded. “She’s--She doesn’t understand. She’s upset with me for this.” He gestured vaguely at his wrists. “I don’t blame her.” 

“Let’s come back to that. Can you tell me about your relationship with your father?” Lindstrom asked. Rafael didn’t answer for a few long moments, swallowing heavily. That was something that he did not want to talk about. At all. He clenched his jaw, his fist curling up into a tight fist where it rested on his leg. “Would you like to come back to this another time?” 

“I hate him. Let’s just leave it at that,” Rafael said. He knew that Lindstrom would probably push him to share more eventually, but his father was one subject that he definitely did not want to discuss. He could feel himself shaking, quaking almost as he remembered, and he wished Liv was with him. 

“Alright, I think maybe we should move on from that for today,” Lindstrom said. “Are you feeling alright? Would you like some water?” 

“I’m fine,” Rafael said softly, but he was definitely not fine. He felt like he was going to be sick. 

“Let’s talk a little bit about your Grandmother. How was your relationship with her?” Lindstrom asked. Rafael took a deep breath. 

“She was the only source of unconditional love that I knew when I was a child,” Rafael said softly, looking at the wall with teary eyes. “Mi Abuelita, she loved me, and she believed in me, and I let her down.” 

“What do you mean by that, Rafael?” Lindstrom asked. 

“I pushed her to do something she didn’t want to do, and it...it was catastrophic,” he said. 

“Now, I want to talk a little bit about the night you tried to commit suicide. I know this may be difficult to talk about, but I’m hoping you might share a little bit about that night with me. Can you tell me what lead up to it?” Lindstrom asked. Rafael could feel his heartbeat picking up. 

He twitched nervously, shutting his eyes for a moment. He was twisting the hem of his shirt up in his fingers. “Liv and I had a fight,” Rafael said softly. “It’s been a rough year after my abuelita died, and then Liv and I had a fight. I don’t think I want to say anymore.” Lindstrom was watching him closely. 

“Eventually, we’re going to come back to this, okay?” he asked, and Rafael nodded. He wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. “I see you have some bruising there on your neck. Do you want to talk about how that happened?” Rafael reached up, running his fingers over the purple marks across his throat. He cleared his throat. 

“Self-destructive tendencies, I suppose,” Rafael whispered. “I needed to blow off some steam, so I went home with a guy from a bar. He got a little handsy, and I let him do what he wanted.” 

“Did you want him to do that?” Lindstrom asked. Rafael shrugged. 

“He didn’t rape me if that’s what you’re asking,” Rafael said softly. “I didn’t tell him to stop. I probably wouldn’t have asked him to be that rough, but I let it happen.” 

“Can I ask you why you let him do that to you if it wasn’t what you wanted?” Dr. Lindstrom asked. Rafael shrugged. 

“Because it didn’t matter,” he said softly. 

“How were you feeling when you made this decision?” Lindstrom asked. 

“Upset,” Rafael admitted. “Upset with myself, with my circumstances, with a lot of things honestly.” Lindstrom regarded him for a long moment, and Rafael squirmed under his gaze. It was hard for him to talk about his feelings. He’d spent so long leaving them bottled up inside, and now he was trying to be open, but it was harder than expected. 

“I definitely want to come back to this, but can you tell me about your medication? How is it making you feel?” Lindstrom asked. 

“I’m not sure,” Rafael said. “Sometimes I feel better. It’s not as bad as that night, but there are a lot of times where I feel really bad.” 

“What do you do when you’re feeling down?” Lindstrom asked. 

“I talk to Liv or I try to distract myself. Sometimes, I spend some time with Noah, or I read. I just try to keep myself busy,” Rafael said. 

“Good, that’s good. If you ever feel like you can’t get ahold of your emotions, you can call me. Any time,” Lindstrom said. 

“Thank you,” Rafael said softly. “I really appreciate that.” 

“Alright, I think that’s plenty for today. I want to do three sessions a week for couple weeks, and then we’ll bump it down to twice, and hopefully, eventually one time a week,” Lindstrom said. “I want you to try and talk to Liv or anyone you trust about how you’re feeling, and next time, we can start to go more in depth about some of the things you’ve mentioned today. I’m interested in everything we’ve spoken about, and I’d like you to understand that these are your sessions. If there is something you would like to talk about, we’ll do it. Sound good?” Rafael nodded. He shook Lindstrom’s hand after that, heading out to find Liv’s car in the parking lot so he could finally go home. 

…………………….

Rafael was sitting on the couch, swiping at the hair that was falling into his face. He needed a haircut or some gel or something to get it out of his way. He had been getting way too lazy, not bothering to style it or really even reign it in. He was getting scruffy again, and he was weighing his options. He didn’t want to let it get itchy, but he didn’t want to ask Liv to help him again. He didn’t want to force her to help him. He felt pathetic. He was pretty sure he’d end up cutting himself again if he tried. It was hard when he couldn’t pull his skin taught. He couldn’t do anything with his other hand. 

He was only sort of paying attention to the show that was the tv, his arm propped up beside him. They’d just finished dinner a little while before, and Liv was giving Noah a bath, leaving Rafael alone to brood. He was annoyed with himself, annoyed with his life, with every bad decision he’d ever made. He could hear Dr. Lindstrom telling him to talk to Liv, to tell her what was wrong, but she was in the center of everything, and he wouldn’t hurt her. He couldn’t hurt her any more than he already had. 

“Hey, wanna quit hogging the whole couch?” Liv’s voice startled him. Rafael laughed, moving his bent legs from the couch to make room for her. She took a seat next to him. “You look comfy.” 

“More like tired,” Rafael said. 

“I kinda like the messy hair look,” she said with a soft smile, and he laughed, running his fingers through it. 

“I’m gonna have to comb it sooner or later. It’s a lot of work to look this good,” Rafael whispered with a soft smile. Liv laughed, and he thought it was the most beautiful sound he’d ever heard in his entire life. Making her laugh had his heart soaring. He wanted to hear that sound for the rest of his life. He felt Liv’s hand on his leg, and he looked down at it, his mind flashing to the night she was drunk, but this time, she was sober. This time, he didn’t have to feel nearly as guilty for the warmth that filled his chest.

“Are you okay?” she asked softly. “I don’t think I’ve really asked you that enough. I want you to be okay. I’m here if you aren’t. I’m here.” He could barely drag his gaze from her lips. He wanted her. He had always wanted her, and the heat was climbing his cheeks. He felt tears in his eyes too. He wasn’t okay. He wasn’t even close to okay, but he wanted to be okay. He felt Liv reach for his hand as he averted his gaze, trying to get control over himself. 

“No,” he said softly. “I’m not okay. I want to be okay though.” He felt the tears bubbling up, spilling over, and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He wanted to be okay. 

“Can I hug you?” Liv asked softly, and he nodded. Liv pulled him close, and he pressed his face into her shirt. She stroked her fingers through his hair, running them over the nape of his neck and trying to comfort him. He wanted to be as close to her as possible.  His chest was heaving. He was shaking, leaning into her as he sobbed. He didn’t let himself indulge for long, but he allowed it for a few long moments. She scratched his back and squeezed him, and she let go when he pulled away. 

He wiped his eyes, and he appreciated that Liv didn’t say any more. She gave him the space he needed. He crossed his arms over his chest. “Liv,” he finally whispered. Those beautiful, brown eyes were looking right at him, waiting for him to speak. “Thank you for all of this. You make me smile when it feels impossible to smile. I know I have someone.” 

“You’ll always have me,” Liv whispered, squeezing his hand. “Always.” The voice in his head reminded him that he had nearly lost her not that long ago, but he ignored that. He was trying to allow himself some momentary comfort, some sort of happiness for just a few minutes. 

“I should go to bed,” he whispered. 

“If you need me I’ll be out here. Noah has a little bit of a fever, so I’m gonna camp out on the couch for the night,” Liv said. 

“No,” Rafael said. “You should just...you should come to bed.” 

“Not tonight,” Liv said softly. “Just go to bed. I’ll be alright out here.” 

He hesitated for a few moments, but he finally did as she asked. “Good night Liv,” he whispered. 

“Good night, Rafa,” Liv replied. 

……………………….

Rafael was in a dead sleep when he heard the door creak open. He’d left it cracked just slightly when he laid down. He twisted, rubbing his eyes blearily as he tried to figure out who it was that was at the door. He didn’t see anyone. He laid his head back down, wondering if he was imagining things when a soft voice startled him. “Mommy?” Noah’s voice was soft, and it sounded scared. Rafael quickly flipped the light on. Noah was standing in the middle of the room, swiping at his eyes and sniffling, and Rafael didn’t want to wake Liv up in the middle of the night. He scooped Noah up, holding him closer, and Noah was crying. 

“Hey, buddy. Mommy is on the couch. You’re stuck with Uncle Rafa,” he said softly. If Noah was really insistent, Rafael would wake Liv up, but he didn’t want to. He wanted to take care of this for her. He wanted to comfort Noah. The toddler’s skin was warm, warmer than Rafael liked, and he had tears and snot on his face. Rafael set him down on the bed. “I’m going to go get you a tissue and some water. You stay put,” Rafael said. “I’ll be right back, okay?” Noah nodded, scrubbing at his face tiredly. He moved quickly, trying not to wake Liv. He could see the outline of her body on the couch, and he had to avert his gaze from the soft skin of her legs, illuminated in the moonlight. He took a steadying breath, getting Noah’s water and the box of tissues. He also found some infant Tylenol in the cabinet. He wasn’t sure what Liv would say about him giving it to Noah, but she had it on hand. He was going to take the chance. 

When he returned to the room, Noah looked drowsy, but he was still crying, so Rafael sat down next to him, rubbing his hand over Noah’s back. The little boy dragged himself up, settling in Rafael’s lap, grabbing for his Uncle’s shirt as he cried. Rafael ran his fingers through Noah’s hair, trying to calm him down. “Do you want to tell me what happened?” Rafael asked, not caring that Noah was rubbing his face on his Harvard shirt. He grabbed for a tissue to see if he could clean him up a little bit, but the most important thing was calming him down. 

“Rafa,” Noah whispered, and he hugged the boy tight. 

“I’m here, it’s okay,” Rafael said softly. He offered Noah the water, and he finally let go of Rafael’s shirt, sipping at the cool liquid. Rafael took that opportunity to wipe at Noah’s face with the tissue. There were snot stains on his favorite shirt now, so he stripped it off, setting it aside to put in the laundry. He slipped into another shirt while Noah drank from the cup, sitting back down and looking at his best friend’s son. Noah made him smile so much. It was kind of shocking how much he loved the little boy. He was sweet and kind, and Rafael actually enjoyed caring for him when he got the chance. The love Noah showed him was invaluable. 

“Bad dream,” Noah whispered, and Rafael barely heard it, but his heart hurt for the boy. He had been through enough nightmares to know how bad they could actually be. 

“Oh, I have bad dreams too,” Rafael whispered. “But you’re awake now, and it’s okay. Do you want to stay here with me?” Noah nodded. “Your head feels a little warm.” 

“M’hot,” Noah whispered. 

“Can you take a little bit of this for me then?” Rafael asked, holding the Tylenol up. Noah made a face, but he finally nodded, and Rafael opened the box, checking the dosage before pouring Noah some liquid to swallow. He had to pin the box and the bottle against his body so that he could unscrew the cap, but he was proud of himself for doing it on his own. 

He also felt pathetic for feeling that way, for being proud that he could open up a medicine bottle. Noah took it, swallowing it obediently, but he made another face when he finished, and Rafael laughed. “Here,” he said, handing him the water. “Drink some of this.” Noah chugged the water, and Rafael laughed again. He sniffled loudly. Rafael laid back, feeling very tired, and Noah snuggled into his side, pressing his warm face against Rafael’s belly. Rafael turned the lights out, feeling his eyes drooping. 

He was exhausted, and even though he wanted to stay up with Noah, he felt himself drifting. Noah Thankfully seemed to have calmed down, and his breathing was starting to even out as well. Rafael kept stroking his fingers through Noah’s hair as he drifted off to sleep. 

…………………

_ Liv was tired. She had been called into the office late, and she had left Rafael home with Noah for just a couple hours. He had promised it would be alright. She opened the door, surveying the empty apartment. “Rafa?” she called. There was no answer. The silence made her uncomfortable. There was a tight ball of fear in her chest, making her feel sick to her stomach.  _

_ Liv looked around, and she found Noah in his bedroom, asleep in bed. She kissed his forehead, shutting the door. “Rafa?” she called again. There was no answer. She looked in the bedroom, but he wasn’t there. His things were just where they’d been when she’d left. The door to the bathroom was shut. She felt her heart drop. She knocked, but he didn’t answer. “Rafael! Rafael Barba, you better answer me,” she said. Nothing.  _

_ Liv took a deep breath. “Damn you, Rafael,” she whispered. She slammed into the door twice, knocking it open, and she felt the tears burning her eyes as she saw him in the bathtub. There was so much red, so much blood, and he was limp again. She rushed to him, dragging him out of the water, but his skin was cold. His eyes were open and black, his jaw slack. She felt his neck, but there was no pulse. “Rafa, Jesus, wake up,” she said. “Wake up right now! You don’t get to leave me. You don’t.” She smacked him. His head just lolled to the other side, still limp and unmoving. She started to try CPR, but she knew he was already gone.  _

_ All she could do was lean her face against his damp chest, her tears dripping onto his skin. “Rafa,” she sobbed, holding onto his hand. “I loved you, you dumb bastard. I loved you.”  _

Liv shot up, her heart beating so fast, it felt like it was going to burst from her chest. She could feel his cold, damp skin, see his dead eyes. She felt like she couldn’t breathe. She could not lose Rafael. It made her so sick to even think about it. Her stomach was rolling with nausea, and she stood up, staggering toward the bathroom. Liv collapsed down to her knees, emptying her stomach into the porcelain bowl. She sat propped up against the wall after that, trying to recover from the dream. She could feel the tears streaming down her cheeks, and she wiped at them. She couldn’t lose him. She loved Rafael in a way that she didn’t understand. Sometimes it hurt how much she felt, but it was easier to ignore it. They couldn’t. 

They had their jobs to worry about, and it was too complicated, and she wasn’t if sure if Rafael loved her back. Even if he had, she was pretty sure she completely ruined that. She had damaged their friendship almost irreparably, and yet he was sleeping in her bedroom. She was thankful that he had forgiven her enough to let her help him. She swiped at her eyes, wondering if Noah was doing alright. She stood up slowly, trying not to think about Rafael and how long she had loved him. She couldn’t think about it. 

She headed to Noah’s room, poking her head inside, but then her heart dropped, and she was starting to feel completely panicked. He wasn’t in there. Where was her son? He wasn’t in the bathroom or the living room. Liv was ready to call Fin, to panic, but she knew she was being irrational. He was probably somewhere in the apartment, but she needed someone to calm her down. She went back to the bedroom, opening the door. “Rafa--” She stopped, seeing Rafael sprawled out in bed, Noah laying on top of him, his head resting in the center of Rafael’s chest. Liv could barely breathe, and she felt this warmth in her chest that she could barely handle. It felt like her heart was going to burst from her chest. 

“Liv? Wha--” Rafael asked drowsily, sitting up a little bit. 

“Sorry, sorry,” she whispered. “I was looking for Noah. Go back to sleep.” 

“M’sorry. He got scared,” Rafael said. “I gave him some infant Tylenol cause he was really warm. I didn’t want to wake you up.” Liv felt tears in her eyes once more and she cursed softly, trying to hold them back. 

“Thank you,” Liv said. 

“Mhmm,” Rafael replied. “Come to bed, come hold your son. There’s room for both of us. Even if it’s just for a little bit.” He scooted over a little bit, and Liv couldn’t resist. She climbed into bed beside him, reaching for Noah, but he didn’t want to let go of Rafael’s shirt. Liv let him stay where he was at, and she reached for them both. Rafael didn’t say anything when she wrapped her arms around him. She needed to feel him. She rested her cheek beside Noah, listening to the beat of Rafael’s heart, assuring herself that he was alive. She felt him wrap his good arm around her and nothing had felt so right in a long time.

…………………..

Liv woke up first, and she realized exactly what position they were in. She swallowed heavily, shutting her eyes and letting herself have one more moment to stay with him. She needed one more moment to hold Rafael and to hold her son. She needed one more moment to remind herself that Rafael was alive. She needed one more moment where things felt perfect. As soon as she got up, Rafael would be broken again, she would be terrified, Noah would be sick, and she would have to deal with real life. 

When she finally dragged herself up, Noah woke up too, and she took him out into the kitchen where she got him more medicine. Rafael seemed to be out cold. She made herself some coffee, and she took some aspirin because her head was pounding. Noah was amusing himself on the floor in the living room, watching cartoons and throwing blocks, and she let him. She didn’t have the energy to ask him to please stop throwing his toys across the room. She went to check on Rafael around noon, but he was still asleep, and she let him. She had to sit down on the couch and close her eyes, and she was getting to the point where she was considering calling Lucy so she could rest. She didn’t feel capable of caring for her son or for herself. 

She was laying down then, her eyes shut when she felt small hands on her arm. “Mommy?” 

“Hmm, sweet boy?” Liv asked. 

“Hungry,” Noah said. She sat up and opened her eyes. What time was it? She checked the clock, and it was way past lunchtime. She groaned. She picked Noah up. 

“I’m sorry buddy,” she whispered. “Come on, let’s get something to eat.” She managed to get Noah some lunch before she went to check on Rafael again. He was face down on the bed, snoring softly, and Liv shook his shoulder. “Rafa?”

“Hmmm?” he mumbled. 

“Hey, are you alright, it’s three in the afternoon,” she said. He halfheartedly waved her off, and rolled over, shutting his eyes again. Liv rubbed her hand over his back, squeezing his shoulder. She wanted to help if she could, but she knew she couldn’t do much at the moment. She left him alone again so he could sleep. She was concerned. His mood seemed to be unstable. He was definitely experiencing good days and bad. Mostly bad. She wasn’t sure what else to do anymore, and she was hoping that therapy was helping him at least a little bit. He needed to talk about what was going on, and he sure as hell wasn’t really talking to her. 

……………………………

Rafael didn’t wake up until it was getting dark out. He’d been asleep for over twelve hours, and he still felt miserable, but he dragged himself up. He was starving. When he made it out to the kitchen, the lights were dimmed, and Liv was laying on the couch, looking half dead. Noah was watching tv with Liv’s iPad in his lap. Rafael knew she didn’t usually let him have free reign over the iPad unless she really needed to distract him. “Liv?” he asked softly, going to the couch. “Are you alright?” 

“Fine,” she whispered, but she definitely didn’t sound fine.“Don’t worry about me. You should eat something, and you need to take your medicine.” She pushed herself up to her feet, wobbling around for a couple minutes before she managed to catch her balance. Rafael was concerned. “What are you hungry for?” 

“Liv,” Rafael said carefully. “Honey, you don’t look so good.” He cursed at himself for letting the endearment slip, but he didn’t think Liv actually noticed that he’d said it. “You should sit down. I’m going to feel your forehead.” Liv let him gently feel her forehead. “You’re burning up. You need to get some sleep.” 

“Lemme just...let me call Lucy,” Liv said, sniffling, but Rafael stopped her. 

“I’ve got it for now. Just relax,” Rafael said. “If I need Lucy, I will call her. I promise.” Liv nodded, her eyes sliding shut. “Liv, open your eyes. I need to get you some medicine and some water, and then we should get you in bed to rest.” Liv didn’t fight him. She looked absolutely terrible; her face was pale and clammy, dark circles under her eyes. Rafael filled a glass of water, taking it to her where she was sitting at the table. “Drink this. I’m going to get Tylenol.”

He was annoyed with himself, with the limitations he had because of his injured wrist; everything was working a lot slower than he was used to. He wasn’t able to carry more than one or two things at a time. He wished he could carry Liv back to her bed because she looked like she was going to pass out any second. Instead, he settled for tucking the bottle between his side and his arm, prying the cap off with his good arm before he poured some for Liv. He took her the medicine, and she swallowed it obediently, finishing her water, and Rafael guided her back to the bathroom. He waited as she brushed her teeth, overcome by the memory of her lips against his neck when she was drunk. He had been trying not to think about it, trying not to remember the taste of what he had wanted for so long. 

“Rafa,” Liv said, and that was the warning before she started to sway, and he reached for her, grabbing her with his good arm and hugging her to his chest so he could keep her upright. 

“I’ve got you Liv. I’m right here,” he said softly. “Come on, it’s time to get some sleep.” Liv’s arms were wrapped around his neck, holding on tight, and he was doing his best to walk and not let her fall. He managed to get her sitting down on the bed, and she was sitting there, in her jeans and a tee shirt, looking like she was going to fall over. He wanted to help her into something more comfortable, but he didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. 

“Can you please help me out of this?” Liv asked. “I’m too hot.” She took a deep breath, looking in her drawer for something she could wear. “Just a tee shirt, Rafa, that’s all I can handle.” He found a light tee shirt in her drawer, white, and it said NYPD. He gently pulled at her shirt, lifting it over her head the best he could with one hand, and throwing it in the hamper. Liv reached behind herself unclasping her bra, and Rafael averted his eyes from her skin. The scars, marks from cigarette burns, from where that bastard had dared to touch her, they made him feel sick. He had scars of his own, and he knew how deep they ran. He knew how much they hurt, but they weren’t defining. They didn’t define Liv, and they certainly didn’t define him no matter how much it felt like they did. It certainly felt like he was overwhelmed by his past like he couldn’t move past it no matter how hard he tried, but he knew that wasn’t necessarily true. There was a difference between knowing things and believing them. 

He bunched the shirt up in his right hand, gripping the inside of the collar and he helped her pull it over her head and down. Liv unbuttoned her own pants, but he pulled at them to help her get them off. When they’d finally accomplished their endeavor, Liv collapsed back on the bed and scooted up to the pillows. Liv pulled at the blankets, and Rafael helped her get them up as much as he could. “Get some sleep. Feel better,” he said. 

“Rafa,” Liv whispered, and he stopped. 

“Hmm?” he asked softly. 

“There--There’s food in the fridge if you want to warm it up. I made a sandwich earlier….for you. Don--Don’t forget your pills...and--” 

“Liv, don’t worry. I’ve got it. Noah and I will be fine, and I will call Lucy if I need help. We’re fine,” he said, trying to assure her the best he could. She nodded, starting to close her eyes. 

“Rafa….” she mumbled. “Rafa--I--I’m so--” 

“Liv, tell me later,” he said softly, his heart kicking into overdrive. He could feel his blood pressure rising, his head pounding as the stress overwhelmed him. He didn’t want her to say anything she’d regret. “Good night.” 

“Night, Raf,” she mumbled, shutting her eyes. 


	8. Chapter 8

When Rafael went out into the living room, the temporary rush he’d experienced in order to take care of Olivia total dissipated. He felt the bone-deep exhaustion return, but he had Noah to take care of. He dragged himself out to the kitchen, taking his long list of medication that he should have taken much earlier in the day. He looked in the fridge, finding the sandwich Liv had mentioned. He picked at it, sitting on the couch, and Noah was still distracting himself, so Rafael let himself rest for a little bit, trying to build up enough energy in case Noah did need something. 

He was watching the tv when Noah scrambled up into his lap. “Rafa,” he said, and Rafael looked down. 

“Hmm, amigo?” He asked softly. 

“Color,” Noah said, holding up the tablet. There was a picture that Noah had colored. It wasn’t completely done. 

“Wow, buddy, that looks great,” Rafael said. 

“Help,” Noah said, and Rafael smiled. 

“You’re gonna have to show me how,” Rafael said softly, and Noah showed him how to pick a color. Rafael couldn’t help but smile as he ran his finger across the screen, helping to finish the picture Noah had started. 

They colored for a long time, and Noah was happy and smiling. Once he got bored of that, Rafael turned on a movie, and Noah snuggled up in his lap. He was still a little warm, and he was sniffling here and there. Rafael rubbed his back, and he got him some juice and a snack while they watched the movie. Noah had his arms wrapped around Rafael’s torso, cheek pressed against Rafael’s belly. 

Noah’s hair was greasy, and he definitely had chocolate smeared around his lips from the little bit of ice cream Rafael had let him have. He needed a bath. “Alright, amigo,” Rafael said. He needed to make a deal with Noah. He didn’t want to get him upset. He needed this to be easy. He was not going to neglect something that Noah obviously needed even if it was going to be a pain in the ass. “How does a bath sound?” 

“No,” Noah replied. “I don’t want to.” 

“How about I read you a story afterward?” Rafael asked. Noah seemed to think about it for a few long moments. 

“Three,” he countered, and Rafael snorted. 

“Sure,” Rafael said, smiling. “Three books after your bath. Can you go get some pajamas?” Noah nodded, running down the hall. Rafael took a deep breath, preparing himself to give Noah a bath. He went into the bathroom, pulling the curtain back and plugging the drain. He started running the water, feeling the temperature with his good hand. He was sure this was going to be an interesting experience. He’d never bathed a small child before, and he certainly hadn’t done it with one functioning hand. Noah seemed to like him though which made things easier, and he was a good kid, but he was a kid. Rafael knew he had been a handful, especially before he learned what could happen if he made his father angry. Little boys were crazy and playful, and he believed that they should be allowed to act that way. He hadn’t been allowed to be a little boy. It had been ripped from him, stolen away. He’d grown up far too quickly for his own good, and he wasn’t ever going to let something like that happen to Noah if he could help it. Liv had allowed him into her little family, even if it was only as Noah’s uncle, but he was going to the best uncle possible. He was going to protect Noah the best he could because that was some sort of good he could do. 

Rafael squeezed some soap into the water, trying to make it bubbly for Noah who appeared after a few moments, a shirt and some pants in his arms. Rafael smiled at him, taking the clothes and setting them down. He had a towel for Noah, and the bathtub was full. “You ready to get in?” Rafael asked. Noah nodded, and he started to strip out of his clothes. Rafael helped him the best he could. Noah got in the water for him, and Rafael took a cup, filling it with water while Noah played with little toy boats. “Head back, amigo,” Rafael said softly. He vaguely remembered the times his mother would bathe him. Not every memory between them was bad. 

Rafael poured the water over Noah’s curls, pouring another cup over the locks of hair before he grabbed for the bottle of shampoo. He was keeping his braced hand back, trying not to get it wet, but it was a struggle to get the shampoo bottle open. He had to squeeze the soap directly onto Noah’s hair, and then he did his best to rub the suds in. A few started migrating down Noah’s forehead toward his eyes, and Rafael realized disaster was impending far too late to stop it. Noah was crying, and Rafael’s hand was all soapy. He wanted to cry. He didn’t want Noah to wake Liv up; he didn’t want her to see how he was failing miserably. He quickly dunked his hand in the water, grabbing for the towel and wiping Noah’s eyes for him. “Oh, amigo, I’m so sorry,” he whispered. Noah stopped crying after a couple of minutes, wiping at his face, and Rafael felt bad. 

“Four,” Noah said abruptly, and Rafael looked at him curiously. 

“Four what?” he asked. 

“Four books,” Noah said, and Rafael laughed. 

“You’re going to be a lawyer someday, hombrecito,” Rafael said. “Sure, I think you’ve earned the extra book.” He was more careful when he was pouring the water over Noah’s head to rinse the soap out. They finished the bath without further incident, and Rafael wrapped Noah up in the fluffy towel when he got out of the bath. Noah dressed himself while Rafael drained the tub. Once he got Noah in bed, teeth brushed and all nice and dry, Rafael sat with him, reading the books Noah had chosen. He kissed Noah’s forehead before he turned the light out, and Noah’s soft voice stopped him on the way out of the room. 

“Rafa,” Noah whispered. 

“What’s up, buddy?” he asked. 

“Love you.” 

“I love you too, Noah,” Rafael replied.

……………………….

Rafael had spent about a half hour moping in the living room, trying to feel better. He had been able to push through for Noah’s sake, but now he was feeling horrible again. He felt like never getting up. He just wanted to curl up on his side and cry until he passed out, but he needed to check on Liv. He wanted to make sure she didn’t need anything before he went to bed. He took his sleep medication and got ready for bed, so he could go collapse on the couch after he made sure Liv was alright. 

It was still dark in the room, and Liv was curled up on her side. Rafael took a step inside the room. “Liv?” he asked softly. 

“M’awake,” she mumbled. 

“Do you need anything?” he asked. 

“M’thirsty, Rafa,” she said softly. 

“Alright, I’ll go get you some water,” he said. He filled a glass of water, taking it to her. She smiled goofily at him when he sat on the edge of the bed. “Sit up, I have your water.” 

“I feel bad,” Liv said, and Rafael wanted to laugh, but he held it back. 

“I know you do. That’s why you should drink your water,” Rafael whispered, running his hand down her arm to try and soothe her. Her skin was clammy and hot. “Come on, honey.” He winced when he let the endearment slip once more. She sat up with a little bit of help from him, and she drank her water obediently. 

“You’re pretty,” Liv said softly, and Rafael smiled a little bit. 

“So are you,” he admitted. 

“Sometimes I look at you when I think you’re distracted,” Liv said, and he tried not to laugh. 

“Do you?” he asked. She grabbed for him, trying to pull him closer, and he stopped her. “Liv, no.” 

“But, Rafi, come ooon,” Liv said. 

“Shh,” Rafael said. “It’s time to sleep. It’s time to calm down.” 

“But I like you,” Liv said. 

“I like you too. You have a fever, and you don’t know exactly what’s going on. It’s time to sleep,” Rafael said. 

“It’s time to sleep,” Liv repeated. 

“Good, alright, good night,” he said, starting to stand up, but Liv grabbed him. 

“Rafiii, stay, please. I don’t want to be alone,” Liv whined, and he couldn’t say no to her. 

“Okay, okay,” he said softly, sighing. He laid down, and Liv immediately tucked herself under his arm, resting her cheek against his chest, and he let her; she was sick. 

“I messed everything up. I made a big mess,” Liv murmured, and Rafael felt his heart clenching. 

“Liv--” 

“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore,” Liv said, interrupting him. 

“Me either,” Rafael whispered. He wrapped his arms around Liv, trying to make her feel better. 

“G’night, Raf,” Liv mumbled. 

“Night, Liv,” he said back. 

……………………

Rafael was laying in bed, feeling miserable. Lucy was watching Noah in the living room while Liv was out with Tucker, and Rafael was moping. Things had been feeling different between himself and Liv, but she had run off with Tucker at her first opportunity. He was trying not to feel bitter. She wasn’t his to want. She wasn’t ever going to choose him. He had thought that he’d come to accept that, but apparently, it hadn’t quite sunk in. She had been gone all evening, and it was getting late. He didn’t even want to think about them or what they might be doing. It felt like his heart was shattered. He tried not to let the tears escape his eyes; they made him feel pathetic, but it was hard to keep himself calm. He loved Olivia more than anything. 

He turned onto his side, shutting his eyes and trying to go to sleep, so he wouldn’t think about it. He drifted in and out for a while before he finally actually fell asleep. 

_ The feeling of her soft lips on his skin made his heart beat out of his chest. The fabric of her dress dipped at the neck, exposing the swell of her breasts. There was enough fabric that it was tasteful and breathtaking all at once, and his mouth was as dry as the desert. He could feel her hands clutching at him, those lips moving up his jaw, toward his mouth.  _

_ When she managed to connect their lips, a soft brush, he felt lightheaded. Her body was right there, pressed up against him. Her lips fit his perfectly, better than he’d even imagined, and he couldn’t breathe. It was all he’d ever wanted: her. To touch her, to hold her, to kiss her, to make love to her, to promise he’d never leave, to be allowed to love her. She was inviting him in. Her lips pressed against his once more.  _

Rafael jerked awake, hearing Noah crying. He was breathing heavily, and he felt flushed. He ran a hand through his hair; what the hell had that dream been? Was he really thinking about Liv kissing him when she was drunk? Who the hell was he? He was disgusted with himself. He could feel how hard he was, and he despised himself. He pressed his face into the cool pillow, trying to think of anything else that might calm him down. He wasn’t going to be able to go back to sleep like this, and he was still struggling to shower on his own. The combination of his anxiety medication and the antidepressant could make him lightheaded and dizzy if he was standing alone for a prolonged period of time, and he only had one hand to work with. Liv had been helping him graciously. Sometimes, he took baths which were easier, but he couldn’t submerge either arm in the water, and it was a struggle not to fall asleep. Even if he didn’t pass out, getting out could be an adventure if he was feeling drowsy. He hated having her help, but she worried, and he really didn’t trust himself not to pass out at times. 

He tried counting in his head, reciting sections of one of the law textbooks that was sitting on his bookshelf. He was trying to calm down, to somehow make his dick cooperate, but it seemed to have a mind of its own. He cursed at himself, repeatedly, considering a cold shower, but it was a bad idea. He just wanted to go back to sleep. He wanted to sleep for the rest of his godforsaken life. He tried to ignore those feelings though. He had told Liv he wanted to fight, and he did. He buried his face in the pillow, desperate to find something that would solve his problem. 

…………………..

Liv was sitting up in Tucker’s bed, feeling tense and unsatisfied. She was upset with herself, a little peeved at Tucker for leaving her hanging, and overall, she just wanted to go home and get some sleep. She was wearing Tucker’s shirt, arms crossed over her abdomen. Tucker was asleep beside her. Dinner had been okay, and then he’d invited her back to the apartment, and she had agreed. She’d hoped it might be a chance to get everything back on track. It had been alright; she’d drank some wine to calm her nerves, they’d gone back to the bedroom, but the whole time, she’d been thinking of Rafael. She had seen her best friend, his soft hair flopping in his face as he worshipped her in the dark moonlit bedroom. 

She imagined his soft, green eyes, that soft smile that she knew he saved for her. She imagined what he might feel like, what he might sound like, what his face would look like when he let go, and then it had stopped, and Tucker had finished. She hadn’t quite made it over the edge. He’d fallen asleep, and now she was trying to come to terms with what she’d done. She had no right to think of Rafael like that, in that context. It wasn’t fair to him, and it wasn’t fair to Tucker. 

She just wanted to cry. She was on the verge of real tears, and she climbed out of bed slowly, wiping at her face. Liv hated that this was where she was at, too scared to leave Tucker, too scared to ruin her best friend, too scared to be alone. She unbuttoned the dress shirt, putting her own clothes back on. She felt sick to her stomach, and she wanted to go finish a whole bottle of wine on her own. She was dressed in moments, and she headed out of the bedroom, shutting the door on her way out. She slipped into her coat, walking down to her car so she could go home to her son. 

She made it in the door, paying Lucy, and taking Noah into her arms. She needed to get Noah to bed and check on Rafael. Noah went down easily. She was about to go look for Rafael when she ran into him in the hallway, an armful of laundry in his hands. He looked panicked. 

…………………………

_ Liv was kissing him. She was really kissing him, and he let her. His whole body felt like it was on fire, the desire consuming him. He had wanted it for so long. The reality was better than anything he’d dreamed of. Her lips were soft, supple against his own. She was palming him through his boxers, and he was moaning into her mouth, holding on for dear life. He felt light headed and off balance, but he wanted to be on his A game for Liv. He curled his hand around her waist, pulling her closer, pressing up against her, and she snaked her hand under the elastic band of his underwear. At the first touch, his head fell back, a weak moan escaping his lips.  _

_ He felt the heat building up, the pressure in his balls. Everything felt like it was on fire, the pleasure escalating quicker than usual. He let out a weak noise, twitching in her hand, and then mind encompassing pleasure.  _

Rafael jerked awake, the waves of pleasure still consuming him. He could feel the damp mess in his boxers, traveling down his leg. There was definitely some leaking onto the sheets. His toes curled, weak moans escaping his lips as he rode out the orgasm. It left him breathless and boneless on the sheets. His head felt fuzzy and clouded, and all he could do was lay there for a few moments, too stunned to react. 

What the hell had just happened?

He felt tears welling up in his eyes. This was bad. This was so, so bad. What the hell was wrong with him? Liv had been drunk. He was conflating the way she’d kissed him, the way she’d touched him with his own fantasies, and he hated himself. He hated himself because Olivia had been intoxicated. She hadn’t known what she was doing, and he had gotten off on it. What right did he have to think about her that way, to fantasize about her?  _ Calm down. _ He needed to stop freaking out. Liv was going to be home soon and he was a mess. He could feel the mess all over himself, on the bed, and he needed a shower except he wasn’t sure how he was possibly going to do that on his own. 

He was shaking, literally shaking, and he felt like he was going to be sick. He needed to call Lindstrom or take some Xanax. He stood up shakily, stripping the sheets from the bed the best he could, but as he rushed out of the room, rushed down the hall, he ran right into Olivia, and he stopped, his eyes wide open with panic. 

…………………..

“Rafa, hey,” Liv said. She could see how upset he was just by looking at him. “What’s going on?” His lip trembled. “Rafa,” Liv said again. 

He wouldn’t meet her eyes even as the tears spilled over. “I-I,” he paused, looking down at his feet. “Please don’t look at me,” he whispered. Liv ran her hand down his arm, trying to calm him down. She was worried. She was very worried. 

“Rafael, let me help you, come on,” Liv said gently. “Let me take these. What happened?” His whole body was shaking, but she wasn’t going to let him retreat away from her. “Please look at me.” His green eyes were clouded with tears and conflict. Liv finally got him to hand over the laundry, noting the reddened skin of his cheeks. There was a flush to his skin. He quickly dropped his hands down, bringing them together to block her view of his crotch. 

“I can’t tell you,” he whispered. “Please don’t make me.” 

“Okay,” Liv said softly. “What do you need help with? Let me help.” He didn’t answer right away, sniffling, still refusing to meet her gaze. 

“I stained the sheets. They need to be cleaned,” he finally admitted. “And I need a shower.” 

“Okay,” Liv said softly, trying not to pry or let her curiosity get in the way. She just needed to help him. “Wait here a second.” She dumped the laundry into the washer. His hands were still carefully positioned in front of him, and Liv put a hand on his arm. “Let’s go to the bathroom.” She was keeping her eyes above his waist as she guided him to the bathroom. She started the shower, covering his hand in a plastic bag. The other was allowed to get wet in the shower but not submerged. “We’re going to take your clothes off,” Liv said softly. Rafael’s eyes were filled with tears. 

“Wait,” he said, grabbing her arm. “I was asleep—I didn’t mean—” His face was bright red, and he wouldn’t look at her. “I’m sorry.” 

“Rafa, whatever it is, it’s alright,” Liv whispered gently, helping him out of his shirt. There were white spatters on his lower belly, and she suddenly understood. “It’s not abnormal,” Liv said softly. “You have no control over it when you’re asleep.” 

“Please don’t.” Rafael’s voice was so soft, so tortured that it broke her heart. She understood that he was embarrassed and mortified, but she wanted him to know that it was alright. She didn’t think any less of him. He obviously didn’t want to talk about it though, so she helped him out of his sticky boxers, keeping her eyes away from his crotch. She caught his gaze, rubbing his arm gently as she steered him into the shower. 

“Do you feel dizzy at all?” Liv asked softly. He shook his head. 

“Really drowsy,” he said softly. She didn’t want him falling, so she stayed close. She handed him a washcloth that he used to scrub himself clean after she squirted some soap on it for him. He looked absolutely miserable, and she didn’t know what to say that might comfort him. She was going to wait until he wasn’t naked in her shower to have that conversation though. He managed to clean himself off, and Liv helped him out of the shower and to dry off. She had to go get him new clothes, and she left him alone for a few moments while she threw what he’d been wearing earlier in the washer. 

When she went back to find him, he wasn’t in the bathroom. He was in the bedroom, cursing and swearing as he tried to make the bed with his good hand. “Rafa,” she said softly. 

“Let me try,” he said, and she could hear the tears in his voice. He swiped at his face. The sheet was a little bit tangled. 

“Can we do it together?” Liv asked. He finally nodded, and she helped him straighten it out. She couldn’t imagine feeling as helpless as he must feel, and she hated seeing the sparkling of tears on his cheeks. She hated seeing him so upset. They quietly made the bed together, and then Rafael plopped down on it, burying his head in his hand. Liv sat next to him. She rubbed his back, and he cried. He was hiccuping as he calmed down, so Liv pulled him against her. “Rafa, it’s alright. We’re both adults. Things happen. Even if you weren’t asleep, you have needs. I’m not judging you, and there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. You couldn’t even help what happened.” 

He just shook his head, but he didn’t say anything more about it. Liv rubbed his back and held him like that as he calmed down. “I’m sorry,” he whispered again. 

“Enough of that,” Liv said, letting go of him. 

“How was your date?” he asked softly. 

“Good,” Liv said, but it was a lie. She was suddenly struck with the image of Rafael’s gorgeous face screwed up in ecstasy. It had been a very bad date. Rafael didn’t say anything about the unimpressed tone of her voice. He was staring at his lap, toying with the velcro of his brace like he always did, and Liv put a hand on his arm. “Come on, let’s go watch a movie.” He nodded, pushing himself up to his feet and following her out to the couch.

……………………

Rafael was feeling tired, exhausted really. He was barely keeping his eyes open as they watched the end of the movie. “Rafa?” He turned to look at Liv. Her voice was soft, and she looked worried when he met her eyes. He yawned, settling back against the couch in a more comfortable position. 

“Hm?” he asked. 

She swallowed heavily before looking up at him again. “Can we talk about the bruises on your neck?” He looked away, glancing at the floor for a moment. She put a hand on his arm. “Whatever happened, it’s okay. I just--I just want to make sure you’re alright. Could we talk about it?” 

He was looking down at his lap. Lindstrom had told him talking would make things better, but it was hard to admit what had happened. He’d been more than reckless. He was lucky he hadn’t gotten himself into a bad situation, but that had been the point hadn’t it? Could Liv really think any less of him? He crossed his arms, swallowing heavily, trying to calm down. 

“I was feeling numb,” he whispered. “Broken. I just--I just wanted to feel something, Olivia. I needed something to take my mind off of everything. It was stupid.” 

“That’s not stupid,” Liv said softly. He felt her fingers curl around his hand, and he let it happen, squeezing back. He still couldn’t meet her eyes. 

“I went to a bar, it wasn’t the first time. I met a guy, he took me home,” Rafael said softly. “I’d had a few drinks, and he shoved me around a little bit. I didn’t tell him to stop. He pushed me on the bed. I let him, Liv. I let it happen.” She rubbed her hand up and down his arm. 

“Just because you didn’t say stop, doesn’t mean it was right,” Liv whispered, but he shook his head. She wasn’t getting it. 

“He might not have asked me, but I’m not sure that I would have said no even if he did,” Rafael said softly. “It wasn’t necessarily what I was looking for….exactly, but it was kind of what I wanted. I wanted to hurt. I don’t think I realized that until it was happening.” It felt good to admit that, like a weight off of his chest. Liv kept holding his hand, kept comforting him while he thought about the decisions he’d made. “It was self-destructive,” he whispered. “I was bleeding and….” he gestured vaguely at his neck. 

“We all make decisions that we regret,” Liv said softly. “You were doing what you felt was necessary. Rafael, you shouldn’t have to deal with those feelings on your own. Are you okay now? Does anything still hurt?” 

“I’m still a little sore,” he admitted. “Most of the pain has faded though. There are just these bruises. My arm hurts worse most days.” Liv grimaced. 

“I’m glad I found you,” Liv whispered. “I thank my lucky stars for that every single night. I’m glad you’re still here. You’re my best friend.” 

“I’m glad you found me too,” Rafael whispered, and that was another weight off his shoulders. 

……………………….

Liv was laying in bed with Noah. She was only half asleep, worrying about Rafael, worrying about his mental state. She was grateful that he’d chosen to share private information with her. It had been difficult for him; that much had been apparent, but he’d done it anyway. He was trusting her, taking steps toward healing, and she prayed that it would work. She couldn’t bear the thought of losing him. 

She was just rolling over when she heard panicked crying, and she was up to her feet in mere seconds. She rushed toward her bedroom, glad he’d left the door cracked. The moonlight shone through the window, illuminating Rafael’s trembling body. He was flailing, thrashing around on the bed and sobbing. She was almost positive he was still asleep. His skin was glistening with sweat, and he whimpered. “No, no please, no quise,” he mumbled, and Liv felt tears pricking her eyes. There was something seriously wrong. 

“Rafa,” Liv said softly, trying to wake him up, but he was still panicking, mumbling desperately. She laid a hand on his arm, and he lashed out. She narrowly avoided a fist to the face. “Rafael,” she said louder. His eyes opened, blown so wide, she wasn’t sure if he was actually seeing her or not. He quickly shoved himself backward, almost falling off the edge of the bed in the process. He managed to get his feet under him, his back hitting the wall, and he crouched down, protecting himself, covering his head as he started to sob. “Hey, Rafa, it’s Liv. Open your eyes, honey, come on, open your eyes for me.” 

He was whispering something to himself, starting to rock, and Liv moved to the ground beside him. He finally opened his eyes like she had asked, starting to calm down. She had to pull him into her arms to quiet the sobs that were wracking him. “Liv,” he whispered, clutching at her. 

“It’s okay,” she whispered. “You’re okay now.” He was trembling. “It’s just me. Whatever happened in your dream is over. You’re okay now.” He didn’t say anything. He just shivered in her arms, his face pressed against her shirt as he sobbed, and Liv rubbed his back. 

Liv sat with him until he calmed down, and then he was just sitting on the floor, his back against the wall, looking completely miserable. His head was hanging, his arms crossed over his chest like he was trying to protect himself. “I’m sorry I woke you up,” he whispered, wiping at his nose. “You should go get some sleep.” 

“You should too,” Liv said softly. 

“I don’t think that’s going to happen,” he whispered. Liv rubbed his arm again before standing up. 

“Here, get back in bed,” she said. He grimaced. 

“Liv,” he whispered. 

“Back in bed,” Liv said. “Trust me.” He slowly stood, sitting down and leaning against the pillows. “I’m going to get you some water. I’ll be right back,” she said. She was quick, filling him a glass of water, and he sipped it when she returned. Liv sat on the bed on his other side. “Close your eyes,” she said. “I’ll be here to keep the nightmares away. You need to get some sleep.” He took a deep breath, closing his eyes as he was told, and Liv laid close to him, rubbing her hand over his arm and trying to comfort him when he needed it. “If you want to talk about the dream, I’ll listen,” Liv said. He just shook his head and pulled the blanket up further. Liv held him as he fell asleep, determined to keep watch over him so he could get some rest. 

………………………..

Rafael was nervous. He’d ventured out of the apartment when Liv was stopping in at work. Lucy hadn’t tried to stop him, and it was kind of nice for him to get outside. He was feeling a little bit cooped up. He had slipped into a jacket, holding his hurt arm close to his body. He felt like people were looking at him, judging him when he knew it was impossible for them to know exactly what had happened. 

He’d taken a cab to Tiffany’s, looking around for a while. It hadn’t been until he saw the blank necklace just waiting for an inscription that he settled on something. It wasn’t the same as the one he’d found on the counter, broken, the other day, or the one that he knew Liv had given away, but it was similar in style. He liked it a lot, and most importantly, he thought that she would love it, so Rafael had them write up the inscription he wanted, and he paid them with his credit card before heading back to the apartment. Liv hadn’t even known he left. 

He’d picked it up a few days later, tucking it in his duffle bag, and waiting for her upcoming birthday. She deserved something nice for everything she was doing for him. She deserved everything in the whole world in his opinion. 

Now, he was trying to figure out how to give his gift to her, second-guessing all of it. His hands were shaking as he held the little box. He’d gotten up early, getting Noah before he could wake his mother up. She’d thankfully been out like a light since she’d been up late a few nights in a row. She’d been called into the office a couple of times in the last few days, and he knew it was starting to be a lot for her. He just wanted to make her smile because she was the only reason that he had to smile anymore. He’d tucked the box in his pocket for safekeeping until Liv woke up. 

He was doing his best to make pancakes one-handed, but all he’d really succeeded at was spilling flour all over himself and the counter. Noah was playing on the floor in the living room where Rafael could keep an eye on him. He was just starting to cook the pancakes when he heard Liv’s footsteps coming down the hall. He turned to look at her when she rounded the corner into the kitchen. “Why’d you let me sleep so late?” she asked. 

“Happy birthday?” Rafael said softly, almost hesitantly. He was suddenly worried that she wouldn’t want to celebrate. Some people didn’t like birthdays. Liv stopped. 

“It is my birthday….wow, I totally forgot,” she said. 

He flipped the pancake. “Pancake?” he asked. Liv came closer to him, laughing softly, and he looked at her again. He flinched a second when she reached out, but she just brushed her thumb over his nose. 

“You have flour on your face,” she said with a soft smile, and he smiled back, laughing softly. She looked at him for another moment before turning away, heading over to see Noah. 

“It’s kind of everywhere,” he said with a laugh, moving the pancake to a plate and starting two more. He was flipping those when he heard Liv’s phone start to ring. 

“Rafa,” she said after a couple of minutes. “I need to go in. I’m gonna call Lucy, but can you keep an eye on him until she gets here?” 

“Yeah,” Rafael said. “Go, I’ve got it.” She nodded, heading back toward her bedroom to get dressed. Rafael wrapped up the pancakes that were ready in some foil, and he handed it to Liv when she appeared again. “Here, so you have something to eat.” 

“Thanks, Rafa,” Liv whispered, pulling him in for an unexpected hug. He squeezed her tight. “You’re a lifesaver. Call if you need anything.” 

“Happy birthday, be safe,” he called as she walked out the door. He sighed then, making Noah some breakfast. He would just have to wait until Liv made it home. 

…………………………..

Liv was so exhausted by the time she was going to be able to go home. Her feet ached, everything hurt, and all she wanted was a warm bath, a glass of cab, and to sit on the couch and laugh with her best friend. He was more than just her best friend though, and she was terrified to face that. She was terrified to think about what she was feeling. She had been burying it for so long, trying to shove it away, and now, it was all snowballing. All of the feelings were bubbling up to the surface, ready to drown her. She wished with all her heart that she didn’t love Rafael. She wanted to love Tucker, she wanted to take the easy way out. A relationship with Rafael, with her best friend, it would be so messy, and she was so scared to lose him. 

Dating Tucker was better. That’s what she kept telling herself. She was packing up her bag when she heard a commotion at the door. She looked up. “Hey, birthday girl.” Tucker was standing there with a smile on his face. Liv forced her lips to curl up. 

“Hi,” she said. 

“I have dinner reservations,” he said. Liv tried not to grimace. She wanted to go home. She wished he might have warned her earlier. She wanted to see her son, and she wanted to shut her eyes, but she didn’t want to hurt his feelings. 

“Okay, just give me a minute,” Liv said. “I just need to tell the babysitter to stay later.” Tucker nodded, and Liv reached for her phone, calling Lucy to let her know she’d be late. 

……………………..

Liv was trying not to let the disappointment show. She was looking in the little box at the gift card. To Starbucks. It just felt like such an impersonal gift, like he hadn’t even really put much thought into it, and Liv didn’t even really care about her birthday, but when he’d said he had bought her a present, this was not what she was expecting. It’s not that she didn’t like Starbucks, but it just felt like another let down on a bad day. She had hoped to stay home with Noah, to spend some time with Rafael, to drink some wine and relax on her birthday, but instead, she got a hard case and a present that made her want to cry. 

“Thank you, Ed,” she said softly. 

“You want dessert?” he asked. She shook her head. 

“I’m sorry. I’m just really tired,” she said softly. “I’d like to go home.” 

“You’ve got it,” he said, smiling softly, and Liv hated herself. He was a good man, and she wanted to love him. It wasn’t that she didn’t have feelings for him, and she was trying to remind herself of those feelings. It was just hard. 

When she made it home, the apartment was dark. Rafael was sitting on the couch. “Hey,” Liv said softly. “Why are you still up? Where’s Lucy?” 

“She had to head home. Noah went to bed easy. It wasn’t a problem,” Rafael said. 

“Thanks,” she whispered. “Really, thank you.” 

“No problem,” he said again with a smile. “You look tired.” 

“I am,” she admitted. 

“There’s room on the other side of the bed if you want to sleep in a bed that’s big enough for your legs,” he said softly, standing up. She just smiled. “I’m gonna call it a night,” 

“Good night,” Liv said. He disappeared down the hallway, and Liv watched him go. She poured herself a glass of wine, swallowing over half of it almost immediately. She sat down at the table tiredly, and a little black box caught her eye. It had a sticky note with her name on it. She reached for it, taking a second before she opened the box, and she felt tears welling up in her eyes. It was a beautiful gold necklace, and her name was engraved on the front side. She picked it up out of the box, admiring it. She was turning it around to put it on, but then she saw the engraving on the back.  _ For the strongest woman I know -- Love Rafa. _

All Liv could do was cry. She’d broken her necklace mere days ago, and she’d given the other away, and somehow, Rafael had noticed. He’d bought her this beautiful, surely expensive, necklace for her birthday, and she’d gotten a Starbucks gift card from Tucker. 

No matter how much she wanted Rafael, she couldn’t do anything about it. He wasn’t in a place where he would be ready for a relationship, and she still had all of the other reasons that had been piling up for years. She couldn’t do that to him, and she couldn’t risk losing him. Her whole body was shaking, and she finished her glass of wine, securing the necklace afterward. She would allow herself one more night to lay with him in bed, to pretend, but then she was done. She was going to have to find a way to return things to the way they were because she couldn’t love him no matter how much she wanted to. 

He was asleep when she crawled into bed beside him, and Liv kissed his temple. “Thank you, you sweet, sweet man,” she whispered before shutting her eyes. She just wished things could be different. 


	9. Chapter 9

Tucker was sitting on the couch, watching tv in her living room, Noah on the floor. Rafael had disappeared earlier, probably off to the bedroom, and Liv was ignoring the nagging want to go check on him. She was trying to recapture the feelings from the beginning of her relationship with Tucker. She had loved him then. That’s what she was telling herself. She could be happy with Tucker, and Noah could be happy with him too. He just needed to warm up to him. “Do you want to help us build a tower?” Liv asked. Tucker climbed onto the floor with them, and he started to help, but Noah moved onto Liv’s lap, hiding his face. 

“Noah,” Tucker said. “Come on, let’s make a really tall tower.” Noah shook his head. “Buddy, come on.” 

“Noah, Ed just wants to play with you. Can you give it a try?” Liv asked. Noah shook his head again. 

“Liv, just go do something else,” Tucker said. “Noah and I are going to learn how to get along.” Liv looked down at her son, but she was hesitant to push him. He’d been making so much progress, but she also wanted him to get to know Tucker, to learn to love Tucker. She knew he could do it. 

“Okay,” Liv said softly. “I’m going to go read for a little bit.” She tried to pry Noah off of her, but he was struggling now, starting to flail. “Noah, honey, it’s okay,” Liv said. Noah was shaking his head rapidly. “Noah,” Liv said. “It’s alright.” Tucker took him from her, and he started to freak out even more. 

“I’ve got it,” Tucker said. “Go.”

Liv felt this uncomfortable queasiness. She hated leaving Noah when he was so upset, but she forced herself to go back into her son’s bedroom to read a book. Rafael was in her bedroom, and he hadn’t come out all day. She wanted to go check on him, but she was trying to get rid of those feelings. She was desperately trying to get herself under control before she went and ruined everything.

…………………..

Liv hadn’t realized she’d fallen asleep until there was a knock on the door. She blinked a few times, the book falling beside her as she sat up, and she saw Rafael at the door, looking worried. “Liv?” he said softly. She pushed herself up, leaning back on her arm and running her fingers through her hair. 

“Hmm,” she asked. 

“Where’s Noah? I-I went out to get my medicine, and I don’t see him or Tucker,” Rafael said. “Tucker was over right?” Liv was up to her feet in seconds. Where the hell was her son? Where was Ed? 

“They’re not in the living room?” Liv asked, starting to jog down the hall. 

“No,” Rafael said. “I didn’t see them.” He was right behind her, putting his hand on her shoulder, and she pulled away. 

“Where the hell is he?” she whispered, eyes filling with tears. She never should have left Noah alone like that. Liv was looking around desperately, checking the kitchen and down the hall. She looked in the bathroom. When she went back to the living room, Tucker was coming in the front door, and she glared daggers at him. “Where is my son?” 

“I left for five minutes,” he said. “I needed to take a phone call. He was right there.” 

“You left him alone?” she asked. “He’s gone. We can’t find him--” 

“Liv,” Rafael said. “Quiet down. He’s here.” She looked over and he was kneeling down by the side of the couch near the wall. Liv knelt down beside him, her hand going to her mouth. Noah was just laying there, on the floor, not moving. His eyes were open. 

“Noah, honey, it’s Mommy. Can you come here?” Liv said softly. He didn’t even move. “Noah,” Liv said. She turned to Tucker accusingly. “Was he like this when you left!?” Tucker looked ashamed. 

“He wasn’t hiding,” Tucker said. “He cried and screamed for a little while, and then I thought he was calming down. He wouldn’t talk to me. I didn’t realize--”

“Liv,” Rafael said. “Calm down. He’s alright. I think he just shut down. Sometimes everything is just too much, and kids can’t cope. It’s not something to flip out about. You need to breathe.” Liv looked back to him, wondering how the hell he knew so much about kids shutting down, but he was too busy gently picking her son up and leaning him against his shoulder. He was rocking Noah and running his hand down the back of his head, and all Liv wanted to do was cry. Rafael took a seat on the couch, Noah propped against his body, head snuggled against Rafael’s neck. “Shh,” Rafael whispered. “Noah, honey, it’s okay.” 

“You should have come to get me,” Liv said, turning to Tucker again. “You should have come to get me.” 

“I didn’t think it was that bad,” Tucker said. “I just thought he was upset.” 

“Look at him,” Liv said. Rafael stood up, 

“You aren’t helping,” he said harshly. “We’ll be in the bedroom.” He disappeared down the hall with Noah. 

Liv took a deep breath, trying to calm down. Noah was fine. Tucker hadn’t done it on purpose. Noah was fine. “Liv, look, I’m sorry. That is not what I wanted to happen.” 

“I’m sorry, it’s okay. You didn’t know. Please do not leave him alone like that in the future. I left him with you, Ed. He’s only three. He needs someone to watch him, alright?” Ed nodded, and Liv took a deep breath. 

“I better go, but I’ll see you tomorrow?” he asked. Liv nodded, letting him crowd her for a kiss. “We should spend some time together this weekend.” 

“Okay,” Liv whispered, smiling at him. 

……………………..

Rafael was having a bad day. Liv was barely speaking to him, and he didn’t know what he’d done wrong. He had spent most of his day moping around, but now he was holding Noah, trying to comfort him because he knew what it was like to shut down from overwhelming stress. He knew that he would have wanted someone to hold him, to tell him that everything was going to be okay. Noah just needed some love. He held him tight, trying to keep him calm with firm pressure. “Noah, buddy, it’s okay now,” Rafael said softly. “It’s just you and me, and we don’t even need to talk. Do you want to watch some cartoons?” After a couple of moments, he felt a soft nod. “Good. Is it okay if I put you down? You can sit right next to me.” Another nod. Rafael gently helped Noah lean against the pillows right beside him, and he turned on the tv. 

He flipped through channels until he found Paw Patrol. Noah looked blank, but he was moving around a little bit. Rafael was slowly pulling him out of it. “Noah,” he said softly. “I’ll be right back, okay?” Noah nodded again. Rafael stood up. He went out to the kitchen. Liv was sitting at the table, taking deep breaths. “He’s alright,” Rafael said softly. “I’m going to get him a snack, but he just needs some time to de-stress. It was too overwhelming for him.” 

“I never should have left him out here. I knew he didn’t want to. I knew he was upset,” Liv said softly. Rafael didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to make her feel worse, but there were nasty memories that were bubbling up to the surface, and he couldn’t bring himself to justify it. 

“I don’t want to leave him alone for too long,” Rafael said softly. He headed down the hall toward the bedroom again. Noah was playing with the blanket on the bed, but he didn’t say anything when Rafael came in. “I brought you a snack in case you’re hungry, amigo. I also have juice. Whenever you’re ready.” As he sat there with Noah, who was just quietly watching Paw Patrol, he tried to ignore the things that were weighing on him so heavily. 

_ Hands clamped tight over his ears, the screaming growing in volume. His heart was beating out of his chest, and he could barely breathe. Rafael was cowering in the corner, his damp face pressed against his knees. He didn’t want to look up; there had been a loud crash, and he was terrified that he would see his mother’s lifeless body on the floor. She hadn’t said anything in what felt like hours. There was only his father’s angry voice and the shattering glass and wood.  _

_ He felt a hand grabbing the collar of his shirt, yanking him up in the air. He couldn’t keep his hands on his ears, and he was met with the furious, reddened, sweaty face of his father; those harsh, bloodshot eyes glaring at him. “And you.” His father’s voice was low and incredibly angry. “You’re a sorry excuse for a son.” Rafael couldn’t keep track of all the things his father was saying. Not when he felt his head hit the corner of the coffee table, and his chest was burning as he laid on the ground. He couldn’t do it anymore. He just went blank and stared at the wall. “Get up. Get up, right now.” He couldn’t move. He couldn’t breathe or flinch or try to get away as the barrage of kicks began. All he could do was lay there and stare.  _

Rafael swallowed, shaking himself from the memory. He felt Noah lay his head on his stomach, and Rafael smiled down at the little boy, running his hand over the back of Noah’s head. The little boy was curled up against him, and Rafael kept rubbing his back and trying to keep him calm. “It’s okay that you had a bad day,” Rafael said softly. “Sometimes, we all need a break.” Noah didn’t say anything, but his hand tightened in Rafael’s shirt. He grabbed the juice cup with his other hand, sipping at it as he watched his tv show. All Rafael wanted to do was lay there and hold Noah for the rest of the day. 

………………………

Liv had been sitting out in the kitchen for a long time, trying to calm down, but it had been hours without a peep from Rafael or Noah, and she needed to check on her son. She wanted to move him to his bed so he could get a good night sleep. She wanted to hold him and hug him and assure herself that he was alright. She went down the hallway hesitantly. She knew Rafael was upset about something. She had seen it on his face. He wouldn’t say it out loud, but he was upset. 

She stopped at the door of her bedroom. Liv raised her hand, hesitating for a second before she knocked. “Rafa?” There wasn’t an answer. She opened the door, and she stopped. Noah was sleeping, resting his head against Rafael’s stomach. Rafael was laying back against the pillows, eyes shut, mouth lolled open as he snored softly. There was a bowl of apple slices and some cheez-its on the bed along with a sippy cup next to Noah, and Liv was so grateful to Rafael. 

He was taking care of Noah, calming him down like he needed, and Liv had never felt more thankful to him. She took a few steps, coming closer to the bed, and she turned, sitting down on the edge. She reached out, putting her hand over Rafael’s arm. She rubbed it gently, wishing that he wasn’t in so much pain. He was hiding it from her, and she was trying so hard not to care so much. She was trying so hard to distance herself, but it was so hard. 

He was so….she didn’t even have words to describe him. When he was in a room with her, her mouth felt dry. When he would tell a joke, she couldn’t help but laugh. Any time she succeeded, all she wanted to do was call him, celebrate with him. She thought about him at night before bed. She thought about him all the time. She wanted to be there during his triumphs and during his failures, but she couldn’t because she did not want to lose him. She knew that she would break them, break him, and she couldn’t do that. “Rafa,” she said softly. 

“Huh--” His eyes shot open, and he looked panicked. 

“Rafael,” she repeated, and then he was looking at her with those big, green eyes, and she could barely breathe. 

“Oh, guess I fell asleep,” he whispered, rubbing his eyes. 

“Thank you,” she said softly. He just smiled at her, looking away, but not before she saw the conflict in his eyes. He was upset, but it wasn’t her place to push him. “I’m going to put him in bed,” Liv said. Rafael nodded again. Liv reached for Noah, gently picking him up, but he had a tight grip on Rafael’s shirt, and he wasn’t letting go. “Noah, honey,” Liv said, but he started to struggle, so she stopped trying to separate them. “Looks like you’ve got a buddy for the night,” Liv said softly. 

“I think we can handle a little slumber party,” Rafael said softly. “You’re welcome to stay.” Liv smiled softly. She wanted to, more than she could admit, but she couldn’t. Even a week ago, she might have, but she needed to put a stop to her feelings, so she couldn’t. 

“I’ll make myself comfortable in Noah’s bed,” Liv said. “You two get some sleep.” 

“Good night,” Rafael said. Liv just smiled a little bit before leaving the room and shutting off the lights. 

……………………

Noah had finally let her hold him. He wasn’t talking though. She hadn’t heard his voice in days. Sometimes, she saw him sitting with Rafael, and he would whisper something very softly, and Rafael would reply equally as quiet. Every time she saw them together, her heart would swell with love, and she had to shove it down. It was like torture. He was right there. 

They weren’t really talking much beside the awkward pleasantries and small talk. It felt like there was a chasm between them, and Liv didn’t like it. She knew they could survive though. Their friendship could make it through a little bit of tension, but it wouldn’t survive a relationship. It wouldn’t survive her love. Liv had Noah in the kitchen, and she wasn’t sure where Rafael had disappeared off to. She was making lunch, and Noah was just sitting there quietly, resting his head on her shoulder. She was so lost. 

Her emotions were overwhelming her, and she was doing her best to keep her mind on Tucker. Things were going better. They were spending more time together, he was making her laugh again; she was trying. He wasn’t a perfect man, but no one was. He was good enough, and she could live like that. 

Liv was making herself a sandwich. She’d put together peanut butter and jelly for Noah, and she was debating making something for Rafael. He hadn’t come out of the bedroom almost all day, and she wasn’t sure he would eat it. Liv put Noah in his booster seat with his food, and she decided to make food for Rafael. She hoped he might eat. She wasn’t sure how to help him sometimes, but it was all she wanted to do. She wanted him to feel better. 

When she knocked on the bedroom door, there wasn’t an answer. She opened it. Rafael was just a lump in the bed, but that wasn’t abnormal. He always had bad days. Sometimes, there were more bad days than good, but she had been worried that he might withdraw when she did, but he didn’t seem to be doing any worse. It was mostly just the same. “Rafa?” she said softly. He barely turned to look at her, blinking at the light. “I have a sandwich for you.” He just laid his head back down. “You have a therapy appointment in a couple of hours, and I’ll come get you then.” 

……………………

Rafael was laying in bed, and he was not in the mood to talk. Liv had made him a sandwich, and he had considered eating it, but he didn’t feel like he had the energy to sit up. He didn’t have the energy to be hungry. He wiped his eyes, wiped at the dampness on his face. Liv was barely talking to him anymore. She’d abruptly changed. Something had happened, and he wasn’t sure what it was, but he didn’t like it. 

He wasn’t sure what he was going to say to Lindstrom later. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to say anything. He was lost in his own mind, and he was so tired of feeling that way. He had been trying for so long to feel better. He was supposed to be talking to Liv, but he didn’t feel like he could talk to her anymore. He didn’t feel like she wanted him to talk to her anymore. He was trying though. He was still trying to get better. 

He sat up when Liv knocked on the door. He rubbed his eyes, and he dressed himself. He took one bite of the sandwich. After he did his hair, he forced himself to eat half of it on the way out the door. Liv drove him to Lindstrom’s office, but she was quiet the whole time, and he didn’t know what to say. He quietly went inside once she parked, and he sat in the waiting room for a little bit. It was better than waiting in the car even though they were a little bit early. 

He was glad to see Lindstrom. He took a seat on the couch in the office, grabbing a pillow and hugging it to himself. “You look aggravated Rafael,” Lindstrom said softly. Rafael swallowed. He was toying with the pillow. 

“Today hasn’t been very good,” Rafael said.

“What do you mean by that?” Lindstrom asked. Rafael turned his head, looking at the plant at the side of the room. 

“I’ve just been in bed,” he admitted. “My mind is racing, and I don’t have energy, and I--I’m not sleeping well. I’m sleeping a lot but not well.” 

“Alright, has something upset you or does this just feel like a normal day where you’re down?” Lindstrom asked. 

“I don’t know,” Rafael whispered. “Liv is upset with me I think. Things are tense. I don’t know why.” 

“Have you spoken to her about it?” Lindstrom asked. Rafael shook his head. 

“I was upset with her,” Rafael said. 

“Why was that?” the psychiatrist asked. Rafael sighed, staring down at his lap and twitching around nervously. He didn’t want to say it out loud. He didn’t talk about this. He didn’t admit it to other people. Rafael looked up at the ceiling, trying to calm down. 

“Noah--Noah was upset. Liv had left him with Ed, her boyfriend, and Noah got upset. He just shut down, and she  _ knew _ \--she knew he was upset, and she forced him to stay with Tucker. She pushed her son to the point where he completely shut down because he was overwhelmed,” Rafael said. “It wasn’t right.” 

“This seems personal,” Lindstrom said. “Is there a reason this bothers you so much?” Rafael clenched his hands into fists. 

“Because I know how it feels to shut down like that,” Rafael said. “My parents fought, they screamed, my father broke things whether it was a vase or my mom’s arm. He broke my leg when I was twelve. I was on crutches. I know what it feels like to shut down. They pushed that little boy too hard.” He shook his head. He was quiet for a couple more moments before he spoke once more. “Look, I know it isn’t the same thing, but I just--I didn’t think she would do that to him.” 

“I understand,” Lindstrom said. “Can we talk a little bit about your father? Do you think about him often?” Rafael felt himself starting to shake. 

“Too much,” he admitted. “He is the core of everything I do, and I wish more than anything that he wasn’t but he haunts me.” 

“Can you explain what you mean by that?” Lindstrom asked softly. 

“My job is something I chose to do because of what he did to me,” Rafael said softly. “I can’t connect with people because of how he made me feel. I’m bad at making friends, I’ve ruined every relationship I’ve ever had. I hate him. All I ever think about is turning into him someday. I have nightmares, sometimes, I feel like I can’t breathe. He’s ruined me.” 

“Have you ever told anyone how much he’s affected you?” Lindstrom asked. Rafael shook his head. 

“I don’t like to talk about it, and my mother won’t discuss it,” Rafael said. 

“I think this is something we should explore. Do you think you would be able to tell me about a specific time that feels significant to you?” Lindstrom asked. “Something he did that has changed you. Maybe we can talk through it.” 

Rafael swallowed again, digging his nails in the palm of his hand. He couldn’t breathe. There were so many different instances that were flooding his mind. Being backhanded across the room for not cleaning up, his father snapping his arm in half when he made it home five minutes late, the black eye he got for spilling a glass of milk. The nights his father came into his bedroom. “That’s a lot,” Rafael whispered. “I--I don’t...one night...um…” He had to take a moment, clear his throat and try to calm down. “One time, I opened up the fridge, and uh, I accidentally knocked some of his beer bottles on the ground and they broke. He shoved me in the beer, in the broken glass, and he started hitting me and slamming my head off the ground. My mother was screaming, and he held a piece of glass to my throat. I thought he was going to kill me.” 

“Something tells me that wasn’t an abnormal occurrence,” Dr. Lindstrom said softly. Rafael looked away. 

“It wasn’t, but I don’t know if I’d ever seen that crazed look in his eyes before. Not like that. I was five. It happened after that, multiple times, but that was the first time I thought my father was going to kill me. After that, I just wished he would’ve,” Rafael admitted. 

“Did your mother ever step in?” Lindstrom asked. Rafael shook his head. 

“There were times when she thought he was going to really hurt me, maybe crack my head open or something, and she would scream and beg him to stop, but she never stepped in. I did. I tried to protect her,” Rafael said softly. He was scratching at his bicep now, arm crossed over his chest, the braced arm resting on the pillow in his lap. “I was always so small. He was a lot bigger than me.” 

“There wasn’t anything you could do, Rafael,” Lindstrom said softly. “It’s easy to blame yourself, but you were just a child. You were born into a bad situation, and you survived that. You’re not ruined. What happened to you, it shaped you as a person. It will always be a part of you, but it doesn’t have to define you. I want you to try and remember that.” 

Rafael wasn’t sure what to think. 

…………………..

Rafael was sitting on the couch, watching tv and trying to ignore the way Liv was laughing at something Tucker said as they sat at the table. She’d come home after her date, thoroughly tipsy, and she was having another glass of wine at the moment. It was none of his business, but he couldn’t help but wonder why Tucker hadn’t gotten her into bed yet. Why they hadn’t called it a night. Liv was pretty far gone, and he felt protective, but she could handle herself. He didn’t think Tucker was that kind of man. 

He didn’t even try to curb the jealousy that was making his blood boil. He had too many other emotions raging inside of him to try and tamp down on that. He loved her. He accepted that she wasn’t his, but he loved her, and it was hard to see her with another man. He wasn’t even sure what he had done. He wasn’t sure what had happened to them. He’d thought their friendship was finally improving. He’d thought they’d saved it, but now Liv would barely look at him. She wouldn’t say more than a few words to him except when completely necessary, and he wanted to go home. He felt like a burden, and he didn’t want to sit there and watch her with Tucker anymore. 

He wasn’t sure if he could go home or if Liv would let him without a lot of grief, and more importantly, he wasn’t sure if he could survive at home by himself. He was still struggling to do things on his own. The occupational therapist had been working with him on dressing himself, and he was getting good at that but showers were still a lot. The medicine was still affecting him a lot, and he wasn’t really looking after himself very well. He couldn’t be alone. 

“Ed,” Liv said, laughing harder than he’d heard her laugh in a long time. He heard her push the chair back. “Let’s go back to my bedroom.” Rafael felt like he was going to be sick. 

“Liv,” Tucker said. 

“Come on,” she said in a pleading voice, and Rafael stood up, ready to step in. 

“Liv, that’s probably not a good idea,” Tucker said. “You should get to bed.” He led her down the hall, and Rafael sat back down, turning his attention to the tv. 

When Tucker came back out, he grabbed his jacket and left without so much as a word in Rafael’s direction, and that was one thing for which Rafael was intensely grateful. Noah was already in bed. Lucy had put him there before she left for the night. Rafael pushed himself up to his feet, walking back toward Liv’s bedroom. He just wanted to check on her. She was sprawled out on her back, still in her clothes, and Rafael stepped inside the room. He walked over to the bed, gently removing her shoes and setting them on the floor. He didn’t have full use of his hands, but he did his best to pull a pair of shorts up under her dress. It took a lot of effort and maneuvering, but she was out cold. He used his bad arm, not moving his hand, but supporting Liv’s bodyweight with his forearm as he unzipped the dress and eased it over her head. He managed to get her into a tee shirt, and then he was satisfied. She would be comfortable. He pressed a kiss to her temple, turning the light out and shutting the door. 

He laid down on the couch, trying to make himself comfortable. All he wanted to do was go home. 

…………………..

Liv’s head was aching. That was the first thing that she noticed. The light was almost unbearable, and she felt like she was going to throw up everywhere. She vaguely remembered having too much to drink on her date, but she couldn’t help it when all she could think about was a man she couldn’t have. After a couple glasses of wine, she started to stop thinking about Rafael and enjoy herself. She didn’t understand how one man could make her so happy yet so miserable at the same time. 

She remembered Tucker walking her back to bed, and as she sat up, she realized he must’ve changed her clothes for her. It was very thoughtful. It took her a couple of moments to wonder where Rafael might’ve slept. She felt bad that she’d kind of kicked him out of his bed. Of course, it was actually her bed, but for the time being, it was his. She slowly sat up, feeling absolutely horrible. She made a pit stop in the bathroom, washing the makeup from her face and splashing herself with water. When she made it to the living room, Rafael was on the couch, sleeping, but there was a pot of coffee ready and some aspirin waiting for her on the counter. She tried to be quiet as she got herself coffee, but it was only moments before she heard him stirring. He sat up, rubbing his face, and then he walked into the kitchen, not meeting her eyes, not speaking to her. He just went straight to his medicine, getting his pills together to take with a glass of water. Liv didn’t know what to say to him. She knew she was pulling away, and she was hurting him, but she didn’t know what else to do. 

She couldn’t stop thinking about him, not when he was right there, within reach. She couldn’t stop wanting him. She had no right to think about him like that, especially not when she was already in a relationship. She just kept telling herself that she could be happy with Tucker, eventually. Rafael took a seat at the table, sipping his own mug of coffee, and Liv could feel the tension. Liv had something she needed to say to him, but she wasn’t sure how. She’d been trying to figure out a good time to bring this up. She’d been thinking about it for a couple of days, but she was worried that he wouldn’t take it well. The last thing she wanted to do was set him back. 

“Rafa,” she said softly. He looked up at her with those green eyes that she loved so much. “Um, I think I’m going to head back to work in a couple of days. You’ll be here with Lucy and Noah. I just wanted to give you a heads up,” Liv said. “I’m a phone call away if you need something.” He didn’t even respond. He just nodded, standing up with his coffee and heading down the hallway.

…………………….

Rafael was sitting in bed, reading. He was trying to distract himself, but it was like his heart was literally broken. His chest ached, and all he wanted to do was cry. He was angry more than he wanted to admit. He felt like Liv had pulled away from him when he needed her most. He felt like she’d dangled some sort of happiness in front of him, even if it was only in the form of friendship, but then, she’d torn it away from him without any warning. He felt alone and miserable, and he was spiraling back into the hopelessness that had landed him at Liv’s house in the first place. 

He set the book down, swinging his legs off the bed and pushing himself up to his feet. He opened the closet door, grabbing his bag from the floor and setting it on the bed so he could look through it and find jeans and tee shirt. It almost terrified him how proud he was of himself for dressing on his own. He combed his hair, cleaning himself up and rubbing a hand over his stubble covered jaw. He needed to shave, but it felt like a lot of work. He needed some air. He grabbed his wallet and his cellphone, and he didn’t even say anything to Lucy on his way out. He just left. 

He walked for a long time, aimlessly almost, trying to figure out how his life had spiraled so much. He wasn’t sure if it was ever going to get better. There had been a few weeks where he had a sliver of hope, but he felt that draining away, and that terrified him. He was cold. The wind was blowing, and he found himself shivering. The numbness was back, and he was craving something that might make him feel. He felt like he’d been shoved back multiple steps, and he needed to pull himself out of this hole before he was buried. 

He dug his phone out of his pocket, dialing the one number he never thought he’d call. 

…………………….

It was getting late when Rafael finally went back to Liv’s place. She’d given him a key when he’d first started staying with her. She was sitting at the table, drinking a glass of wine when he came inside. He hung his jacket up, and she looked up at him. “Where have you been?” she asked. 

“Out,” he said. He just wanted to go to bed. 

“I was worried about you,” Liv said. 

“You’re not my mother,” he replied, going over to the counter to take his pills. 

“I’m not,” Liv said. “You’re an adult. I didn’t say you couldn’t go out, but I’d appreciate it if you’d let me or Lucy know, so I know you’re not dead in a ditch somewhere.” 

“Like you would care,” he muttered, swallowing his medicine. 

“What did you say?” Liv asked. Her voice sounded hurt. He clenched his jaw. 

“I’m going to my Mom’s tomorrow. I’ll be out of your hair,” he said, and he walked away, not giving her a chance to say anything more. 


	10. Chapter 10

When Rafael woke up, he still was upset. He slowly dragged himself out from under the covers, looking around the room and trying to figure out what he needed to pack. He didn’t want to stay there anymore. It made him feel more pathetic than he already felt, and it was far too much for him to bear. He just needed to get out of there as quickly as possible. Liv didn’t want him there anymore no matter what she said; that much was obvious. 

He threw the duffle on the bed, collecting his charger and his various belongings. He dressed in something comfortable but presentable before heading out to the kitchen to get his medicine. He hoped to get out easily without causing a big fuss. It would be nice to leave before Liv got home. 

He stopped short when he saw Liv sitting at the table. She stood up when he made it to the kitchen. “Rafa, we should talk about this,” Liv said. He crossed his arms. 

“No thanks,” he said. Liv was looking at him, but he couldn’t meet her eyes. He was too scared she’d see all the hurt, the betrayal in his eyes. He just wanted to get himself out of the situation. He needed to leave. “I just need to get my medicine.” 

“Rafael, do you really think going to your mother’s house is a good idea? After the way she treated you?” Liv asked. 

“I just need to not be here,” he snapped, not looking up. He didn’t want to see the look on her face. “I appreciate you taking me in, but I just can’t anymore, Olivia. I can’t.” He hated the break in his voice. 

“Rafa, please, I’m sorry--” He held up a hand, cutting her off. 

“I’ve already spoken to her. She has my room ready for me. I’ll be out by tonight,” he said, collecting the pill bottles from the counter. 

…………………..

Rafael knocked on the door. He was just relieved he wouldn’t have to sit through another night of Tucker coming over for dinner. He hated feeling out of place, like a burden, and he didn’t belong. He would have gone to Rita’s place, but she was out of town, and he had nowhere else to turn. “Rafi, honey, I am so glad to see you,” his mother said, opening the door. He let her hug him, pressing his face against her shoulder and trying to hold in the tears. No matter how much she hurt him over the years, she was his mother. “Come on in, let’s get you some lunch.” 

Rafael put his duffle bag in his childhood bedroom, setting it down on the bed before going back out to the kitchen. His mother had a sandwich for him, and he sat on the couch with her, eating his food as she turned on the tv. “Gracias, Mami,” he said softly. She stroked her hand through his hair. 

“I’m glad you came here, sweetheart. You know I worry,” she said. He just smiled. He could push the issues between himself and his mother down so deep, they couldn’t touch him. They’d been there his entire life. Now that he wasn’t on the brink, he could handle her. It was better than the hell he’d been in as he watched his friendship with Liv crumble. “I took a week off of work, so I’ll be here with you while you settle in, sweetheart. You’re welcome to stay here as long as you need.” 

“Thanks, Mom,” he said softly. He just needed to be there until he could do things on his own. Then he would go home and get out of everyone’s way. He spent most of the afternoon setting up his things. His mother was hovering, and she was a lot less subtle about it than Liv. She didn’t leave him alone anywhere, and when he’d been in the bedroom for about fifteen minutes, she would come in to make sure he hadn’t tried anything. He hoped she would relax a little bit and calm down, but she was his mother, and he knew she was scared to lose him. Around six, she knocked on the bedroom door and told him they had to get going. He sighed, getting up and digging his nicest clothes out of his bag. This had been part of the arrangements they had made when he’d called her the day before. She had to help him button up his dress shirt and knot his tie before they got into a car, headed to church so he could attend confession. He would do as she asked and speak with Father Mike. 

……………….

Liv was sitting on the couch, not really watching the tv. She had been crying for hours. What the hell had she done? The look on Rafael’s face when he left; it broke her heart. She had hurt something deep inside of him again, and she wouldn’t forgive herself if something happened. She had let herself get distracted again. She’d been worrying too much about her relationship with Tucker that he iced him out when he needed her most. She’d driven him away, and now he was staying with his mother. Liv didn’t trust Lucia one bit. She didn’t trust her to take care of Rafael, to handle a crisis if he had one, and she definitely didn’t trust her not to damage him even more. 

She supposed she couldn’t talk though. She seemed to have damaged Rafael plenty on her own, and she felt very guilty for that. She wished that she had handled so many things differently. She wished she was a stronger woman. She wished she was better at ignoring her feelings because they weren’t fair to Tucker or to Rafael. She was creating a huge mess, and it was spiraling out of control rapidly.  

Noah had thrown a fit earlier. He still wasn’t talking much which was so concerning to her. She had pushed him far too much, too fast, and she hated herself for that too. Rafael was the only one who her son seemed to trust anymore. He was slowly forgiving her which she was grateful for, but she wasn’t sure how long that was going to take. She just hoped that she could find some way to fix this with Rafael because she couldn’t bear to leave it the way they had ended it. 

…………………

Rafael was shaking. It had been a long time since he’d been in that bedroom, the setting of many nightmares. As he laid in bed, he was sure that he could hear his father’s heavy footsteps approaching the door. He knew his father was dead, but it felt all too real. He could feel those tough, calloused hands that pinned him to the bed. He had to shake the images from his mind. He couldn’t sleep. 

He was trying not to use the sleep medication so often. He was scared to become dependent, but he was desperate for some rest. Rafael dragged himself out of bed and to the kitchen, taking a few pills before he went to the couch. He thought that maybe he’d get more sleep if he wasn’t thinking about his father. He was struggling to get comfortable though, and his arm ached. In the end, he didn’t want to deal with his mother asking him why he wasn’t sleeping in his “perfectly good bed,” so he headed back to his bedroom, blessedly drowsy and he climbed underneath the covers. The medicine was enough to knock him out despite the nightmares and anxiety, and as he drifted off, he was grateful for the medication. 

…………………

Noah was sleeping beside Liv, and she was grateful that her son seemed to have forgiven her for leaving him alone with Tucker. He was talking a little bit, here and there, but he was still quieter than usual. It was a step back. She stroked her hand over his hair, missing Rafael. She wanted to call him, to apologize for everything and try to salvage their friendship. She had thought that they would be okay after she had rectified the mess she’d made by not telling him she was dating Tucker, but then she’d iced him out, and things were even worse. 

The break in his voice, the look on his face when he told her he was leaving. He had looked broken, and she’d done that to him. She couldn’t leave things this way, but she was scared to make it worse. She felt tears building up in her eyes, overflowing down her cheeks and she shut her eyes, trying to stay quiet as she sobbed. She didn’t want to wake Noah up. Her body was shaking, and she tried to keep herself under control, but the dam had broken. 

She sat up, covering her face and closing her eyes. She found her hand gravitating toward the necklace that was tucked under her tee shirt. She felt the smooth metal, the indents of Rafael’s engraved words. He’d bought her a Tiffany Necklace, and she had stopped talking to him. Liv felt her chest heaving as she sobbed. What had she done? She wanted to reach for her phone, to text him desperately and fix this. She had no idea what to do anymore, so she just sat in bed, hugging her pillow to her chest and cried. 

………………….

Rafael was not in the mood to get out of bed. He was feeling down again, and facing his mother felt like far too much to handle. He’d been at her house a few days, almost a week, and it was hard for him to deal with all the memories his childhood home evoked. His mother was trying to give him some space, but she still made comments to him that hurt sometimes. Besides that, she was all over him. She wasn’t doing very well at being subtle when she went to check on him. 

Since she was home, she was trying to occupy him, so she’d drag him out to the couch to watch movies, and she was making him lots of food. He appreciated the effort, but he was feeling smothered. It felt like he had no place to go, but he thought he survive better when he wasn’t watching the woman he loved flirting with her boyfriend. That was like shoving everything he ever wanted but couldn’t have right in his face, and he wasn’t stable enough. 

Being home was a lot though. He was thinking a lot about his father and what happened in that house when he was a child. It was hard to banish it from his mind. He had nightmares, and he was paranoid. He knew it was ridiculous, but it was like his father was still there, tormenting him. 

He wanted things to go back to the way they were before Liv met Tucker. At least then, it had been bearable. He could always go to her if he needed her, but she wasn’t responsible for his happiness, and he hated that he couldn’t just be happy for her. He hated himself. 

…………………..

Tucker was sitting on the floor with Noah, and Liv was on the couch, watching them. She was staying close, hoping Noah wouldn’t get upset. Her heart ached, and she was disturbed by the thoughts in her head. She wished that was Rafael on the floor with Noah. She wished he was back with her. She was worried about him, constantly. He wasn’t answering her texts, and she didn’t have his mother’s number. He could have tried something again for all she knew. 

She looked up as Tucker moved back up on the couch with her. “Hey,” he said softly. “What are you thinking about?” 

“Nothing, just work,” Liv said softly. 

“It’s good you can finally get back now that Barba is out of your hair,” Tucker said, and Liv wanted to say something back, but she kept her mouth shut. She didn’t want to start another fight. She was trying so hard to make this work because she wanted things to be good with Tucker. She wanted him to be the right one so badly. He had made her happy for a while. He had kept her content, but now she was questioning everything. 

His attitude toward her best friend bothered her a lot, especially when Rafael was having such a hard time. She wanted to help him so badly, but she had pushed him away, and she was upset with herself for that. It almost hurt worse that he had gone to stay with his mother, the woman who had berated him after he had tried to commit suicide. He felt safer with her than he did with Liv and that hurt. She was feeling overprotective even though she had no right. She was afraid his mother would push him over the edge again. She was afraid that she had pushed him to the edge when she was supposed to be trying to help. 

Tucker wrapped his arm around her shoulders and she leaned into him, trying to calm down and not think about it, but all she could see was Rafael in that bathtub, broken and bloody. 

……………………………….

“If you’re not staying with Olivia, where are you staying now?” Lindstrom asked. Rafael pulled at his sleeves, wondering if anyone had seen the scars on his right arm on his way in. He couldn’t really fix that sleeve very easily considering he still wasn’t allowed to use his left hand. He was doing the exercises, and it was slowly getting better. He was nervous every day, wondering if he’d get the function of his hand back. 

It was embarrassing when his mother had to help him take a shower. He was learning to do it on his own, and the medication wasn’t making him as sick anymore, so he was doing better at staying upright on his own. He was dressing himself fine, and his mother made a point to cut his food up before even bringing it to him which he appreciated. It was hard to feel so handicapped, but he tried to focus on the progress. 

“I’m staying with my Mom,” Rafael said softly after a few moments. 

“I remember you told me that there is some tension between you and your mother,” Lindstrom said. “How is that going?” 

Rafael shrugged. “She’s trying,” Rafael said softly. “It’s just hard, but we’re doing our best.” Lindstrom was sitting there, regarding Rafael carefully. 

“Is there a reason you decided to stay with your mother?” Lindstrom asked. Rafael shifted around uncomfortably, feeling like he needed to tell the truth, but he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to talk about  _ that _ . Anything but that. His arms were crossed over his chest, defensively, and he was pinching his arm, trying to calm down. 

“Liv and I….it just wasn’t working. Can we talk about something else?” he asked. Lindstrom paused a second before nodded. 

“Do you feel comfortable talking to your mother when you are feeling down or anxious?” Lindstrom asked. Rafael shrugged. 

“I’m trying,” he said softly. 

“How have the suicidal thoughts been lately?” he asked. 

“Okay,” Rafael said. “I don’t think about it as much. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy.” Rafael felt like he was failing miserably. He felt like everything was snowballing backward, but he was trying. “It’s different with my Mom,” he said, trying to force himself to open up. “She’s trying not to show me her emotions. She knows I’m fragile.” 

“What emotions?” Lindstrom prompted. Rafael took a deep breath. He had to talk about something, and if he couldn’t talk about Liv, maybe he could talk about his Grandmother. 

“She’s been upset with me, for about a year,” Rafael said, feeling tears building up in his eyes. “Rightfully so.” 

“Why’s that?” 

“My abuelita,” Rafael said. “She passed away last year, and I really--I regret the way I handled some of the situations that lead up to her death. We were pushing her to move to a retirement home, especially me, and the stress was just too much for her. It was my fault.” 

“You blame yourself for that?” Lindstrom asked. Rafael couldn’t the overflow of tears, dripping down his cheeks. 

“It was my fault,” he said softly. “It was all my fault, and she thinks so too. I hate myself. I shouldn’t have pushed her. She told us she didn’t want to leave.” 

“Let’s work through this a little bit,” Lindstrom said. “Can you explain to me why you wanted her to move into a home?” Rafael had to take a moment to get himself under control, wiping his eyes and sniffling. He felt like his body was shaking because he was worked up. 

“She had fallen, and she was in the hospital, but she didn’t want to go to rehab,” Rafael said finally. “My mother works all the time, and she couldn’t retire. I was trying to make it easier for my mother and make sure Abuelita was taken care of, but all I did was make her miserable.” 

“You were trying to help her,” Lindstrom said. “You didn’t kill her. You were trying to do what was best. What would you have done if she fell in her apartment and really hurt herself because you didn’t do anything? What if she had been in pain?” Rafael wiped at his eyes. 

“I was being selfish. I could have taken care of her. Better than Mami at least, maybe after work,” Rafael said softly. “I could have paid for her to have someone come and help her at home.” He ran a shaky hand through his hair. 

“Take a deep breath,” Lindstrom said softly. Rafael did as he was told, pulling air in slowly and letting it out to try and stave off a panic attack. He started to calm down more and more, but he was still upset. It was an incredibly painful memory, and he could barely handle thinking about it. “Alright, we’re going to talk about this more, but I don’t want to get you too worked up right now. Let’s work on some of those breathing exercises for at home.” Rafael nodded. That was safe. 

……………………..

Rafael woke up screaming. The fading dream still clung to his consciousness, and he couldn’t breathe. He struggled to his feet, staggering and knocking books and a glass from his nightstand, shattering it into a thousand little pieces on the ground that reflected the moonlight streaming in his window. He finally steadied himself with a hand on the wall, ready to sink down to the floor and collapse into full on sobs, but he was trying to stay upright, to postpone the collapse of his shaking knees. He didn’t want to fall into the glass, but he wasn’t going to be able to stay up for long. 

The door opened, and he jumped, his stomach rolling uneasily. He felt like he was going to throw up everywhere, disturbing images flaring up in his mind once more. “Rafi, what is going on in here?” his mother asked, flicking the light on. He could barely see her through the tears, and he felt like a small child again, huddled against the wall like that, snot covering his face as he tried to hold in the sobs. He felt her hands on his arms, rubbing his back gently. “Okay, okay, come on darling. Let’s go out to the couch.” He couldn’t even see where he was going. He let his mother lead him like a blind man, and he collapsed down onto the couch with her assistance. He felt her gather him up into her arms and pull him against her, and he was hit with the crystal clear memory of her holding him like this when he was a child. He ended up laying across the couch, his head resting against her stomach as she stroked his hair and hushed him. He couldn’t seem to catch his breath or really calm down, and he still felt vaguely ill. 

He was sobbing softly, and his mother just held him. He felt warm and comforted like that, and he was grateful that she was willing to sit up with him even though she had work the next day. He wasn’t sure what he would have done if he’d been left all alone to deal with his anguish. “It’s okay, baby,” his mother whispered, and he couldn’t remember a time when she spoke to him so softly and kindly. “It’s alright. You’re okay now.” 

“Mami,” he whispered, pressing his face into her shirt, and she kept running her nails over his scalp, trying to calm him down. Finally, his breathing started to slow down, and he was just hiccuping and trying to recover. 

“Shhh, mi niñito, todo va estar bien. Let’s calm down,” she whispered, and Rafael clung to her as her hand ran over the back of his neck. He was grateful that for once, his mother decided to act like a mom.

……………………..

It was embarrassing to sit in a restaurant across from Rita as she cut his food up for him. He hated looking that week, especially in front of her. She had picked him up for lunch at his mother’s house where he’d spent the morning all alone. His mother was at work. “Stop moping, Barba. I’m almost done and then you can eat.” He sighed, letting his shoulders drop. He knew he shouldn’t be feeling so sorry for himself, but sometimes it was so hard. 

“Sorry,” he whispered. 

“Do you wanna tell me what the hell happened?” Rita asked. Her voice wasn’t mean. He knew she just wanted to know why he wasn't at Liv’s place anymore. He traced his finger over the placemat at the table. 

“What do you mean?” he asked softly. 

“I know you can be dumb, but you’re not that dumb,” Rita said. Rafael sighed, averting his eyes. 

“I can’t do it,” Rafael said softly. “I just can’t fucking deal with it. Tucker and Liv and I can’t breathe when they’re together. I tried so hard to ignore them, to be happy for her, but then she wouldn’t even talk to me, and I was miserable, so I couldn’t do it.” Rita nodded. 

“Do you want me to kick her ass? I don’t care that she’s a police Lieutenant,” Rita said, and Rafael laughed a little bit as she pushed his plate over to him. He took a bite of his food, feeling a little bit better already. 

“That’s okay,” he said softly. 

“How are you holding up at your Mom’s place?” Rita asked. Rafael shrugged. She knew enough about his past to know what he was dealing with. He took another bite of food. 

“Some days it’s really bad,” he whispered. “There’s just so much history there.” 

“Why didn’t you call me?” Rita said softly. “I would have let you stay with me. I have a huge guest bed.” 

“You were out of town, and this is all a lot, Rita. I feel like I’m losing my mind,” he said softly. 

“If you need a place to stay, I don’t care what time it is or where I am, you  _ will  _ call me, Barba. I swear to God, if you kill yourself, I will drag your ass back to the land of the living just to kill you again, okay?” Rita said, and Rafael snorted. 

“I won’t try to amputate my own hand again,” he whispered, and she laughed too. He wasn’t sure if he could bear to tell her about the breakdown he had because of his nightmare. He still felt sick to his stomach. “Mom is trying really hard. There’s still tension, though.” 

“Hopefully that will ease up,” Rita replied. “Are you still going to therapy?” 

“Twice a week,” Rafael said. “I really do want to get better. I don’t like being this miserable. I also don’t like being useless.” He looked down at his hand. 

“That’s what you get for trying to amputate your hand,” Rita said, and Rafael smiled. Lunch with Rita was good. 

………………………..

“Mama,” Noah said. “Rafa.” Liv sighed, running her hand over her son’s hair. She was at home, it was Saturday, and she was spending some time with Noah. He was restless though and cranky, and he apparently wanted Rafael. 

“Uncle Rafa isn’t here,” Liv said softly. “Let’s play blocks.” 

“No blocks!” Noah exclaimed. “Rafa!” 

“Noah,” Liv said. “Please calm down.” He was starting to cry and throw a fit, and Liv had to pinch the bridge of her nose to try and stave off a headache. Noah was flailing and he threw a block across the room. “Noah,” Liv said. “Shh, honey.” Noah wouldn’t stop screaming, and Liv’s head was aching. She was desperate. She reached into her pocket, dialing Rafael’s number. She didn’t really expect him to answer. 

On the third ring, she heard someone pick up. “Lieutenant Benson, I would appreciate it if you would stop calling my son.” That was Lucia Barba’s voice, and Liv felt her heart clench. 

“Is he okay?” she asked softly. 

“He’s trying,” Lucia said. “I don’t think you calling is going to help him. He’s struggling enough as it is.” Liv was about to say something else when she heard a muffled voice on the other end of the line. “It’s Olivia, darling.” There was another pause. “He wants to speak with you.” There was some shuffling and then she heard his soft voice and her heart soared, tears pricking her eyes. 

“Hi,” he said softly. He sounded upset. 

“Rafa,” Liv said softly. 

“Please don’t call me that,” he whispered. 

“Sorry,” she whispered. It was quiet for a few moments, and Liv wasn’t sure what to do. “Um...Noah wanted to talk to you,” she finally said. She wanted to talk to him too, but she didn’t know what to say. 

“Sure,” Rafael said softly, and Liv looked at her son. 

“Here, you want to talk to Uncle Rafa?” she asked, and Noah nodded. She handed him the phone, standing up and going to the kitchen. She was trying not to cry. 

……………………………

Rafael was coming home from physical therapy in a good mood for once. His hand was starting to improve more and more. He was still lacking in some sensation, and he was weak, but the range of motion was starting to improve, and he felt some sort of hope. He was grateful to some sort of good news because he thought he might go crazy if he wasn’t getting better. He was very slowly improving, and he was going to keep hoping that he could get back to where he’d been before. 

When he made it inside the door, his mother was home, and he stopped short. She was making something in the kitchen, and he poked his head in the door. “Mom?” he asked. She looked at him, but there were tears in her eyes. He took a step closer. “Mom, what’s going on?” he asked. He was trying to ignore the memory of her looking at him like that before. The way she would come into his room sometimes if his father passed out, and she would lay in bed with him and rock him to sleep. It had only happened a few times, and it was a bittersweet memory. It was some of the best physical contact he remembered from his childhood, but it also brought up the sounds of his father screaming, breaking things, the fear he’d felt as he cowered under his covers hoping the man would just pass out and leave them both alone. Those were the nights where his mother tried to take care of him. There were times when she ignored him, but those nights had been okay. He would fall asleep in her arms and feel somewhat safe for one night. 

“I’m going to visit abuelita,” she said softly, wiping at her eyes. She handed him a plate with a sandwich. “Go to your room.” 

“Can I come?” He asked softly. 

“Go to your room, Rafael,” his mother said, her voice sterner. She didn’t say anymore, but he heard what she was thinking loud and clear.  _ I don’t even want to look at you.  _ He felt tears filling his eyes, so he took the plate and went back to his bedroom, settling on his bed and hugging a pillow to his chest as he tried not to cry. He left the food on the nightstand. He felt like he couldn’t breathe as he laid there, on his side, trying not to think about how he’d pushed his grandmother to where she didn’t want to live anymore. He didn’t want to think about how she was his once source of unconditional love as a child. She was the one who took care of him when his father had beaten him half to death as a teenager. She was the one who always believed in him, and he’d failed her miserably. 

………………….

His mother was not having a good week, and Rafael was having an even worse one. He’d been plagued by nightmares each night, and they were so bad, he didn’t feel like going back to sleep was even an option. He didn’t want to talk to his Mom about them. They would just upset her. Talking about the abuse they’d both endured at the hands of his father was not something Lucia Barba was willing to do. She couldn’t deal with her own culpability in the matter, and even though Rafael had tried to forgive her for the part she’d played in his miserable childhood, he still struggled with the anger. It made him even more angry that she wouldn’t even discuss it; she hadn’t ever said sorry to him. 

Rafael was alone to bear the disturbing memories. He thought a lot about the cigarette burns that had been pressed into his skin, about the days where he had to stay home from school because he had a busted lip, the day when his father punched him so hard, both his eyes had darkened, and his mother had been scared he was going to die. He thought about the late nights when his father would come into his bed. It was almost too much to handle. He was working on putting it behind him, talking with Lindstrom and going through some of the things that had happened in that house, but it was hard to be back in the same environment. 

Everywhere he went in that house, there were shadows of memories, and he couldn’t forget. There were nights when he sat up in bed and remembered hiding in his closet to try and avoid making his father angry. Rafael wasn’t sure how much longer he could take it, especially if his mother couldn’t bring herself to look at him some nights. He knew she was trying, but they still had a long way to go in repairing their relationship. 

He was sitting up in bed, staring at the ceiling, tears dripping down his cheeks. He’d been trying to take a nap, anything to distract himself, but he had woken up screaming once again. The bottle of sleeping pills on the nightstand was looking very appealing, but he couldn’t do that. He was trying to resist himself. 

It was getting to the point where he thought he should call Lindstrom, and that wasn’t good. He had been feeling better. The medicine seemed to have kicked in, and he was starting to feel better in general, but he was once more feeling like his situation was holding him back. He was incredibly frustrated. He was frustrated with himself, and he was frustrated with his mother. He was angry at Liv, but he knew he couldn’t stay like that for long. He cared about her too much to let it ruin them. 

He was struggling. He needed someone to talk to, and he didn’t know where to turn. He also wanted some scotch, but he didn’t think his mother had any laying around. He couldn’t take it anymore. He stood up, digging through his drawer for a tight pair of jeans. He managed to wriggle his way into them, pulling on a button down and going to the bathroom to clean up. He needed to go somewhere, to blow off some steam. He knew he was being self-destructive again, but he didn’t care. He needed to do something so that he wouldn’t really hurt himself again. 

His mother was already in bed, so he just left, calling for a car. The bar he went to was busy, and he took a seat, ordering himself a scotch to take the edge off. He needed to stop feeling like he was tumbling toward the edge of a cliff. He finished his drink quickly, ordering another one. He was finishing that when he heard a low voice coming from beside him. “Let me refill that for you.” Rafael turned, looking the man over. He was tall, blond hair, and Rafael could see the muscles flexing beneath his shirt. He swallowed, his throat bobbing. He needed a distraction, and now there was one standing right next to him. 

“Sure,” Rafael said. He needed a few more drinks to get his nerve up. The man took a seat beside him, and Rafael smiled at him. They talked a little bit, and the man was definitely flirting with him. Rafael said yes when the man invited him over. They were barely in the door when he shoved Rafael against the wall, and it wasn’t gentle, but Rafael didn’t care at all. He’d told the man he could do whatever he wanted when they were in the cab. He let the other man pin his hands above his head, both wrists gripped in one hand. “Ow, just--careful with my hand,” Rafael said breathlessly. 

“Right,” the man said, letting his left arm drop as he bit Rafael’s neck. “Sorry.” Rafael let out a soft moan as the man started grinding against him. Rafael was pinned; he could barely move, but he just let his head fall back and felt. He needed that escape. 

Once they’d finished, Rafael felt empty again. He laid in the bed for a while, a prisoner of his own thoughts, and he wondered what to do, how to react. He didn’t want to go back to his mother’s, but he didn’t have anywhere else to go. He dressed himself after that, heading out of the apartment, rubbing at the harsh marks that were left on his skin. He stood in the street, wind blowing through his hair as he tried to figure out what the hell he should do. He didn’t think he should be alone. He ran his fingers through his hair as he paced back and forth on the sidewalk. He flagged down a taxi, making a split second decision. He just hoped it would work out. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate the ending of this...sorry

Rafael was standing at the door, waiting for her to answer. He was pulling on the velcro straps of the brace. The door opened, and Rita stared at him for a second. She was in a bathrobe, and she looked perturbed. He was twitching, shifting from foot to foot. “I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I need somewhere to stay.” 

Rita moved aside, letting him inside. She was being too quiet, and he couldn’t take. “Don’t treat me like a little kid,” Rafael said softly. “Just please, I need something normal right now.” She looked him over. 

“I need coffee,” she said. She started a pot, coming back over to the couch and looking him over. “Are those hickeys on your neck?” she asked. “You smell. You’re going to get a shower before you get into that bed. You smell like whiskey and sex, and it’s disgusting.” Rafael laughed shakily. “I’m glad you came over. We can go get your things tomorrow.” He nodded. “I wasn’t kidding about that shower. Let’s go.” 

………………………

Rafael felt better in Rita’s plush apartment. There weren’t any awful memories to bother him, he had free reign around the house, and she had plenty of booze. He appreciated her willingness to take him in. She didn’t bother him much. They watched movies at night and ate take out once she made it home, but other than that, he was left to his own devices. 

He was going to his therapy regularly, trying desperately to get better. He wanted to get back to work and put this all behind him. He’d been thinking about transferring, but he had no concrete decisions. He wasn’t sure he could face Liv anymore. It was getting to be too painful, and he had his own mental health to consider. He wouldn’t survive another attempt. Rita was leaving him law review articles, and he read through them when he was bored. 

He was laying on the couch when Rita got home, carrying a bag of take out and a handful of files. “You have a visitor,” Rita said. Rafael frowned. “Get your feet off my coffee table,” Rafael smirked at her a little bit, and she rolled her eyes. 

“Hey, Rafael,” a voice said from the door, and Rafael looked up to see Sonny standing there. “Liv said you were at your Mom’s and then your Mom said you were here. I just wanted to check on you.”

“Thanks, Carisi,” Rafael said. “Come on in.” 

“Inviting more people into my apartment, Barba?” Rita asked. “Classy. Don’t stay too long, detective. Rafael has his nightly appointment with self-hatred and a movie.” 

“Ha ha,” Rafael said. Sonny was laughing. 

“So, uh, how are you feeling?” Sonny asked. Rafael smiled, looking down at his arm. 

“I’m feeling better,” he said. “Therapy helps, and the medication is really helping.” 

“That’s great. How’s your hand?” Sonny asked. 

“Still pretty weak,” Rafael replied. “It’s getting better though. Any interesting cases recently?” 

“Yeah, we had a pretty rough one last week. I think it really upset Liv,” Sonny said. Rafael smiled softly. “We could use you back at work.” 

“Yeah, well, I don’t know if I’m coming back,” Rafael said softly. Sonny kind of stared at him for a second. 

“What?” he asked softly. Rafael sighed, crossing his arms. 

“I don’t know if I can take it, Carisi. And honestly, I’m not sure that Liv really wants me back,” he finally replied. 

“Of course Liv wants you back, and if she doesn’t, screw her. We need you,” Sonny said. 

“You could always take over my job,” Rafael said softly.

“We need you,” Sonny repeated. Rafael snorted. 

“I’m not sure that you do,” he finally said. “Thanks for dropping by. If you don’t leave soon though, Rita will get hangry and she’ll probably kick my ass.” 

“I’ll come by again,” Sonny said. “Feel better.” 

“Thanks,” Rafael said again, watching the detective go. 

Rita came in a few moments later with a glass of wine and their food. She had changed her clothes into something more comfortable. “Is he finally gone?” Rita asked, and Rafael laughed. 

“He’s gone,” Rafael said. “It’s time for movies and self-loathing.” 

“I said hatred, not loathing. Don’t be a show-off,” Rita said, and Rafael laughed again. “Are you serious about not going back to SVU?” Rafael didn’t even bother to accuse her of listening in on his conversation. 

“I don’t know if I can face her, Rita,” Rafael whispered. 

“You’ve loved her for years. You need to win your woman,” Rita said. Rafael was quiet for a couple of minutes, his eyes full of tears. 

“She doesn’t want me,” he whispered, his voice breaking. “She doesn’t even want to talk to me, and Rita, I want her to be happy. I think I just need to get away from her for a while. I need to figure out how to move on.” Rafael turned his attention back to the tv; he just wanted to eat his food and relax. 

………………………….

Liv was sitting in her office at work, fighting a headache when there was a knock on the door. She looked up to see Sonny coming inside. “Carisi, what can I do for you?” Liv asked, taking her glasses off and setting them on the desk. Sonny looked uncomfortable. There was something about the look on his face that made her feel nervous. He hesitated at the door like he was considering fleeing, but he finally came all the way inside, shutting it behind him. 

“Can I talk to you?” he asked softly, running his fingers through his blond hair. 

“You already are,” Liv said. Sonny took a step closer, putting a hand on the back of one of the chairs. 

“Look, I don’t know if this is my place, but whatever is going on between you and Barba, you need to fix it,” Sonny said. Liv raised her eyebrows. 

“I really don’t think that’s your place,” Liv said. 

“He said he wants to leave, Lieu. Like actually leave,” Sonny said. “We don’t need a new ADA. You need to fix this. The interim guy we have right now is terrible.” Liv felt sick to her stomach. 

“What the hell did he say to you?” Liv asked. 

“He said he wasn’t even sure that you wanted him to come back,” Sonny said. 

“I’ll talk to him,” Liv said. She wanted to talk to him right now. The self-loathing she was feeling was worse than before. She made him feel unwanted and awful so much that he had gone to his mother’s house after she treated him terribly, and now, he was considering giving up his job. She had hurt him more than she could have predicted, and it was wrong. He deserved honesty. He deserved a conversation with her at the least. He did not deserve to be pushed away and ignored when she promised to help him. She had ruined everything. She needed to be stronger. She could be friends with Rafael. Her feelings didn’t have to matter. 

He needed support and love. He needed to feel wanted. Liv had failed him miserably, but she was going to fix it. 

…………………………

Rafael was sitting on the couch in Rita’s apartment, nursing a scotch. He was drinking more than he probably should, but it helped to calm him down. He would usually only have a glass at a time because of all the medication. He wasn’t thinking about hurting himself nearly as much, and when he did, he talked about it with Dr. Lindstrom who helped him to figure out ways to cope. He was doing better with his daily activities. He could finally get both his arms wet, so showering was easier. 

He didn’t think he could bear asking Rita to help him in the shower. He just wanted to feel like himself again. He wanted to be independent, but Rafael wasn’t sure how long that would take or if it was even going to be possible. He wasn’t sure that he hadn’t ruined himself for good. He could feel himself getting to the place where he needed some sort of distraction. He stood up, swallowing the rest of his scotch. He wanted another one. 

Instead, he grabbed a jacket, deciding to go for a walk. He needed to clear his head. When he opened the door, he stopped short. Liv was right there, hand up like she was going to knock. He didn’t say anything for a moment. “What are you doing here?” he asked after a second. He crossed his arms over his chest, trying to protect himself. He was standing in the doorway, trying to keep space between the both of them. Liv looked upset. He could see it in her face. 

“Rafa…” she trailed off. “Rafael, I want to talk to you. Can we please go get lunch or a coffee or just walk through the park? I need--I need to talk to you. Please let me.” Rafael wasn’t sure he could. 

“Why do you want to talk to me?” he asked softly. Liv took a step toward him, and he took a step back. “What do you want from me?” 

“Rafael,” Liv said softly. “I’m so sorry that I’ve upset you like this. I just want to talk.” He looked at her for a couple of minutes, wondering if it was a good idea. He needed to protect himself. His heart was fragile, and he was an idiot who had fallen hopelessly in love with a woman who wasn’t going to love him back. He wasn’t sure he could take any more. 

“Liv, I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know--” he said, pacing back and forth. He shoved his fingers through his hair. 

“Okay, woah, I’m not here to upset you. Take a deep breath,” Liv said. Rafael swallowed, reaching out a hand to brace himself. 

“I need Xanax,” he said softly. “I’ll be out in a couple of moments. I--I guess we can talk.” 

…………………..

Liv hated the look that had been on Rafael’s face when she ran into him at the door. He had been so upset, and all she had wanted to do was talk. How had they gotten here? How had he gotten so terrified of her? How had she hurt him so badly? She had never meant for any of this to happen. They were walking down the sidewalk now, and he had his hand shoved in his pocket, the left one hanging at his side. “How’s your wrist?” Liv asked. It had been weeks since she’d seen him, possibly over a month. She wasn’t exactly sure. She had been worrying about him almost constantly. 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he said. “Just tell me what the hell you want.” He was upset. She could see it in his eyes, and he was lashing out. She deserved his anger. She was trying to make amends, trying to fix this, but she had really messed up. After a moment of silence, he turned to her. “Please, Liv, I can’t play games. I’m trying really hard here. I’m trying to hold on. Just--Just buy me lunch, tell me what you want, and please just leave me alone.” He agreed to lunch which was promising to Liv. 

They went to a little deli, and they ate, seated across from each other. Rafael’s eyes were on his plate. “I wanted to talk to you about what happened. I miss you, Rafael. I messed up. I messed up really badly, but I’m scared. I’m scared to lose you, so I pushed you away. I withdrew, and I treated you terribly. I wanted to tell you how sorry I am.” She saw the tears in Rafael’s eyes. 

“Thank you,” he whispered. “I appreciate that.” 

“I miss you. Listen to me, I care about you. I really care about you, and I miss you. I would like it if you’d come stay with me again, but I want you to do what’s good for you. Above anything else, I want our friendship back,” Liv said. Rafael set down his sandwich, looking away with tears in his eyes. 

“Okay,” he finally whispered. “I can’t promise anything, but I miss you too.” 

“Maybe we could just get lunch twice a week. We can talk, and we can figure this out,” Liv said softly. 

“Okay,” he said again. “I think I can do that.” 

“Can I--Can I hug you?” Liv asked softly. She had been worrying about him for weeks. He nodded, and she stood up, grabbing him and holding him close. Liv felt him melt against her, felt his body go slack, and she cradled him close. It felt so good to have him in her arms. It felt like things might actually turn out okay. 

………………………..

Rita was annoyed when she made it home. Rafael could tell she was irritated. She came in the door, dumping the bag of take out on the counter. Rafael was sitting on the couch. He was happier than he’d been in a while. Talking with Liv had put him in a good mood. He went into the kitchen where Rita was swearing under her breath as she poured herself a glass of wine. “Bad day?” he asked. 

“You’ll be lucky if I don’t stab you,” she said, and Rafael laughed. 

“Booze time?” he asked, and she nodded, refiling her glass. 

“You’re not supposed to be drinking,” Rita said. Rafael shrugged, sloshing some wine in a glass for himself anyways. 

“Come on, let’s go watch a movie and self loathe,” Rafael said. 

“That’s your job. I don’t hate myself,” Rita said, and Rafael snorted. “You seem awfully cheery tonight, Barba.” She narrowed her eyes at him. Rafael smiled, grabbing his food and balancing it on his arm as he headed to the living room without answering her question. They were eating when Rita turned toward him. “You’re smiling an awful lot. What’s going on?” 

“I may have had lunch with Olivia,” he said softly. Rita sat up, glaring at him. 

“You what!?” she asked. “You’re a moron. No more of this fucking around. You’re either going to ask her out or get the hell away. You can’t play any more games. You’ve been pining after Benson for far too long.” Rafael took another sip of wine. He knew that Rita was right, that he couldn’t afford torture himself anymore, but maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. 

“I don’t know if I can have that ultimatum, Rita,” he said. “I care about her so much. We could be friends. That can--I can make that enough.” 

“No,” Rita said. “Was it enough before?” 

“Stay out of it, Rita,” Rafael said. 

“You’ve always been a lovesick moron,” Rita muttered, taking another long sip of wine. 

……………………………..

“It’s just a week,” Rita said. “I think you can stay here.” 

“I don’t know, Rita,” Rafael said softly. “Lindstrom still wants someone keeping an eye on me, and I just don’t know if I can handle being alone all week by myself.” He was scared, but that didn’t change the fact that Lindstrom still wanted him to be with someone. Rita had to go out of state to take care of some family business, and Rafael didn’t want to make her stay home, but he wasn’t sure what to do. 

“We’ll find you somewhere to stay then,” Rita said. “I’ll talk to you about it later once I get home. I need to go to work.” 

“Bye,” Rafael said softly. He needed to get ready to go out and meet Liv. They were supposed to have lunch again, but now he was worried about where he was going to stay while Rita was gone. He couldn’t go back to his mother’s; it was too much for him to handle. The history there was capable of driving him insane. He couldn’t handle the kind of nightmares that he had been having. They kept him up all night, and then he was at risk to hurt himself. 

He got in the shower, cleaning up and shaving his face with the electric razor Rita had bought him when he showed up to her house with a scratchy beard. She had said it made him look like a bum. She was nothing if not brutally honest with him, but she had also been handling him with kid gloves which he did appreciate to an extent. 

Once he was cleaned up, he dressed himself in some khakis and a salmon polo before doing his hair. Then he waited for Olivia. She was going to come pick him up for lunch. It wasn’t long before she rang the doorbell, and he grabbed a jacket on his way out. “Hey,” Liv said, smiling at him. 

“Hi,” he said back. She was talking to him about something on the way out the door, but he was a little preoccupied. It wasn’t until they were in the car that Liv called him on it. 

“You’re not listening to a word I’m saying,” she said. She didn’t sound angry, in fact, she mostly sounded amused. “Something bothering you?” 

“It’s just me and Rita. She’s going out of town,” Rafael said. “And Lindstrom still wants someone to babysit me.” 

“Well, you can come stay at my place. It’ll just be temporary, right? I know staying with me is the last thing you want to do, but I think we could make it work,” Liv said. Rafael felt bad for making her feel like that was the last place he wanted to stay. He had left because he felt like he needed to, but he thought that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to go back, especially temporarily. 

“It’s not the last thing I want to do. I’m sorry,” Rafael said. “That would be really great, actually. I’ll just let Rita know it’s figured out, and we’ll make it work. Thank you, Liv.” 

“Of course. I told you I was going to be here for you,” Liv said softly.  Rafael felt better now that he had something worked out. He didn’t know where he would be without his friends, but he was just appreciating each day, one at a time, and thanking his stars that Liv found him before he bled out. 

………………………..

Rafael was standing outside the door to Liv’s apartment, his bag slung over his shoulder. Rita was right beside him, a hand on his other shoulder. Liv answered after a couple seconds. “Hey, Rafa, the bedroom is all ready for you,” Liv said with a smile. Rafael started to walk inside, but he stopped when he saw Noah. His face lit up, and he ran over to him. Rafael picked him up with his good arm, and he turned around, seeing Rita poking her finger into Liv’s chest. He could just barely hear them talking. 

“You better not hurt him.” Rita’s voice was menacing and low. “I’m very hesitant to leave him here with you.” 

“Rita,” Liv said. “You know I care about him. I want what’s best for him. You don’t need to try and intimidate me.” 

“I’m not afraid to kick your ass if you upset him,” Rita said, crossing her arms. “He’s allowed one glass of alcohol a day. That’s it. At seven, he likes to watch movies and relax. He shouldn’t be alone, and if he’s laying in bed all morning, he just needs a push to get him up.” 

“I think we can figure it out, Rita. He’ll be alright. I promise,” Liv said. Rafael smiled to himself and laugh, walking back to the bedroom, Noah still in his arms. He set his bag on the bed, hiking Noah further up in his arms. 

“I’ve missed you, buddy,” he whispered. Noah smiled at him. 

“Rafa,” Noah said. “Missed you too.” 

When Rafael went back out to the living room, Rita was there waiting for him. She put her hands on his shoulders, looking him in the eyes. “You call me if you need anything,” Rita said softly. She rubbed his shoulders gently before she backed away. “I’ll see you in a week.” 

“Okay. Thanks, Rita,” he said softly. “I’ll be alright. I’ll call you. I promise.” She nodded before she finally left. She pretended like she didn’t care sometimes, but she always showed her true colors eventually. 

He was alone with Liv finally, and it felt a little awkward. Rafael held tight to Noah. “Are you hungry?” Liv finally asked. 

“I could eat,” Rafael said. “Is Tucker okay with me being here?” He hadn’t wanted to bring it up, but he was trying so hard not to cause Liv any problems. 

“I didn’t tell him yet,” Liv said, going into the kitchen and opening the refrigerator. Rafael smiled a little bit. He was glad to know she wasn’t letting Tucker control her decisions. Rafael took a seat on the sofa with Noah, turning his attention to Paw Patrol. He was glad to be back at Liv’s place; he was glad to be around her. 

………………………

Liv was sitting on the couch with Rafael after Noah went to bed. She had given him his one allowed glass of wine, and he was sipping it as they watched a movie. Liv was sitting close to him. “I’ve missed you,” she said softly. “I’ve really missed having you here.” 

“I’ve missed you too,” Rafael said softly. He was quiet for a few moments. “Rita likes to call this my self-hatred time.” He laughed a little bit. Liv put her hand on his. “It’s okay. I’m feeling better.” 

“Lindstrom is still helping?” Liv asked, and Rafael nodded. They were quiet for a little bit, finishing their drinks. They didn’t need to talk though. They were comfortable together even in silence. Liv’s hand was just covering his, and he was scared to move; he was scared to dislodge her hand. He wanted to keep touching her, to never move away because it felt so right, so he let himself indulge until he had finished his wine. 

“I’m going to go to sleep,” he finally said softly. Liv moved her hand. 

“I’ll be in Noah’s room if you need something,” Liv said softly. He smiled. 

“I know,” he said before he headed back to the bedroom.

………………..

Rafael had been awake when Liv left for work, so she felt comfortable leaving him there with Lucy. She was so glad to see him starting to do better. It seemed he’d gone over some sort of hump, that he was finally on the way to healing and past the hardest part. She wanted to pull him close and never let go of him, but she was going to do a better job of keeping herself in check this time. 

She was in her office doing paperwork when there was a knock, and she looked up to see Tucker standing there. “Hey,” he said with a smile. She smiled back. “I was wondering if you wanted to go get a drink or I could come over. We could order in.” There was a glint in his eyes, a wanting, and Liv didn’t think she had the energy for it. She usually ended up tense and unsatisfied if she didn’t do the work herself, and she was exhausted. 

“Um,” Liv said softly. “I don’t know that we can do much at my place.” She didn’t necessarily want to tell him this, but he would find out eventually. Tucker looked confused. 

“Why’s that?” he asked, coming closer. 

“Um, Rafael is staying over. For a week or so. He needed somewhere to stay,” Liv said. Tucker looked angry. 

“When the hell were you gonna tell me? Did he piss off all his other friends?” Tucker spat, and Liv saw red. She stood up. 

“Do  _ not  _ talk about my best friend that way,” Liv said. “I am sorry that I didn’t tell you, but it just happened. You need to calm down. Come talk to me when you’re not going to blow up.” He glared, but he left, and Liv took a seat. She was so tired of this. 

………………………..

Liv was sitting beside Rafael on the couch. They were having dinner, Noah on the floor playing, and Liv was smiling. She had missed having him around so much, and now, he was laughing in her living room. Noah had been so much happier since Rafael had come back. She had no idea what she wanted to do. Her relationship with Ed was falling apart. She wasn’t sure how long she could keep it going. She was in love with her best friend, and she needed to make a decision on how she would handle that. She could keep hoping the feelings would fade, or she could take a leap of faith and hope that Rafael felt the same. She could pray that they wouldn’t ruin their friendship entirely. She wasn’t sure if she and Tucker were compatible anymore. More often than not, they had been fighting, and while the relationship had smoothed out a little bit since Rafael left, Liv still felt unsure about it. She didn’t feel the same way for Tucker as she had before. 

Liv couldn’t tear her eyes from Rafael’s face as he started to laugh at the movie, and her heart was soaring. It was terrifying how he could do that to her. He made her so happy. She couldn’t wipe the smile from her face. Then he was looking at her curiously. “What?” he asked. “Is there something on my face?” 

Liv reached up and rubbed his face with her thumb, pretending to wipe something off. “There,” she said. “It’s gone.” 

“Thanks,” she said, turning his attention back to the tv. Liv sighed. She had it bad. 

……………………………

Rafael was sitting on the floor with Noah, distracting himself by playing with the boy. He was quizzing Noah on block colors again, trying to ignore Liv and Tucker. He had no idea what they’d been doing for the last half hour, but he didn’t really want to know. Noah was waving a block around until they both heard footsteps and Tucker talking softly with Liv. It sounded like they were arguing which put Rafael’s imagination at ease. 

Rafael hated to see Liv upset, and he knew a fight would upset her. He wanted to protect her even if it was going to hurt him. He could hear their angry words. Ed was upset that Liv wouldn’t trust him with Noah again, and Rafael understood Liv’s hesitancy after Noah’s meltdown, but he knew he could help them. “Noah,” Rafael said softly. “Would it be okay if Ed came over to play with you and me? I’ll stay right here with you.” Noah stared at him and then looked at Ed before looking at Rafael again. He didn’t respond. “It’ll be okay. I’ll read you two books later,” Rafael said. Noah finally nodded. “Ed, come over here. If you want to play with Noah, come join us.” 

“Stay out of this, Barba,” Tucker said. 

Rafael shrugged. “He likes me,” he said softly, picking up another block. It was quiet for a couple of minutes before Ed came over, taking a seat beside them. He was tense, and Rafael felt Noah tense up. “Try and relax,” he said. Tucker glared but did as he was told. Rafael rubbed Noah’s back, picking up a block and handing it to Tucker. He was going to fix this for Liv. 

………………………….

Liv was scrambling. She had burst into the kitchen when Rafael was getting himself a drink of water, and she had seemed harried. She was grabbing for things, running her fingers through her hair, and Rafael wasn’t sure what to do. “Hey,” he said. “Hey, what’s wrong.” She looked up at him, fear in her eyes. She glanced at her phone. 

“I need to go. I really need to go, and Lucy can’t come. She’s out of town. I--I hate to ask you this, but could you watch Noah?” Liv asked. Rafael wanted to say yes, to be her hero, but he was trying to fix everything for them. He was trying to ease the tension he had caused. She loved Tucker. She wanted to be happy with Tucker, so he was going to let her. He was letting her go. He’d spoken about it with Lindstrom a few times, and he wanted to be that man. He wanted to be the good man who could let her go because he wasn’t what was best for her or her son. 

“Maybe you should call Tucker. I just don’t know if I can,” Rafael said. “I’m not feeling the best.” Liv nodded. 

“Tucker, right, that’s a good idea. Noah was okay with him last time. It’ll be alright,” Liv said. She sounded so stressed out, and Rafael just wanted to fix it. “Okay, alright. Thank you, Rafa.” Rafael stopped her, putting his hand on her shoulder. 

“Look at me,” he said softly. “It’s okay. Take a deep breath.” Liv did as he said. “It’s going to be okay.” She finally calmed down, nodding at him. He looked into her eyes. “Noah will be fine, and Tucker will keep an eye on him. It’ll be fine.” She nodded again. “Now go to work. Be safe.” 

Rafael took a seat on the couch again after that, and he heard Liv calling Tucker to come keep an eye on Noah. He didn’t want to be out there with Tucker, so he went back to the bedroom to get some sleep. He hadn’t gotten much the night before. 

…………………….

When Rafael woke up, his stomach was rumbling. He sat up tiredly, rubbing his eyes. It was dark in Liv’s bedroom, and he was feeling dark. He was trying so hard to let her go, but it felt like he was ripping his own heart out. He grabbed his phone, scrolling through his messages. Rita had texted him. 

_ Just checking in to make sure you haven’t offed yourself yet.  _ It made him laugh. 

_ It’s not self-hatred time yet. You’re still stuck with me for a bit.  _ Once he finished typing his response, he headed out to check on Tucker and Noah. He was just rounding the corner into the living room when he saw Noah about to jab his finger into an outlet. Rafael was about to scream, but Tucker had apparently noticed. “Noah!” he screamed loud enough that Rafael felt his heart pick up. It felt like slow motion, watching Tucker grab Noah’s arm and yank him. Noah started screaming almost immediately, and Rafael rushed over to him. 

“What the  _ hell _ do you think you’re doing!?” Rafael asked. 

“He was going to hurt himself,” Tucker said. Rafael was seeing red. He’d been yanked and jerked around enough in his lifetime to know how much it hurt. He took Noah into his arms, trying to comfort the little boy. “Noah,” Ed said. “I’m sorry, but you can’t--” He trailed off as Noah hid his face, making himself small as he continued to sob. Rafael had his arms around his best friend’s son, trying to calm him down. Ed paced for a second. “This wasn’t my fault.” Rafael didn’t say anything. He was fighting his own flashbacks. “He won’t stop crying. He hates me. Just--I can’t do this.” Tucker grabbed his jacket before storming out the door, and Rafael was left on his own with the crying toddler. 

…………………….

Liv was exhausted. She was so grateful that Rafael had calmed her down before she left and that Tucker had been willing to keep an eye on Noah. She wasn’t sure what she would’ve done without them. She hoped that Rafael was feeling better after resting some. She had been worrying about him while she was gone. He was so much better than when he’d been staying with her the last time, but he still had bad days. It was getting to be the end of his week with her, and Liv found herself not wanting him to leave. Rita was supposed to be back tomorrow. 

When she stepped inside the door, she caught sight of Rafael on the couch. The tv was playing, and Noah was snuggled up in his lap. She looked around, wondering where Tucker was. “Hey,” Rafael said, turning his head. Noah looked too, a big smile on his face. 

“Hi boys,” Liv said. She gently took Noah from Rafael, holding him close. She was concerned. Rafael wasn’t feeling well. It wasn’t his job to be watching Noah. He was supposed to be resting. On top of that, this would be the second time Tucker had left when he was supposed to be watching Noah. The whole point of this had been bonding. “I’m gonna get Noah in bed,” Liv said. “Then I want to talk.” 

“Yeah,” Rafael said. Liv put her son in bed and read him a book before she went back out to the living room where Rafael was waiting. She was about to ask him what happened when there was a knock on the door. She opened it and there was Tucker. 

“I don’t know what he’s told you, but let me explain!” he said, and Liv looked from him back to Rafael. She was so confused. 

“Where the hell have you been?” Liv asked. “I left Noah here with you.” 

“He left,” Rafael said, standing up. 

“Woah!” Liv said. “One at a time.” She turned to Rafael. “What happened?” 

“I came out of the bedroom, and Noah was about to stick his finger in the outlet. Tucker grabbed him, hard, and Noah started crying when he yelled. Then he just left. He didn’t have to grab him that hard,” Rafael said. Liv swallowed. She wasn’t sure what to think about that. Rafael did say that Tucker was trying to save Noah. Her son had been in danger, but then he’d left. 

“Now you,” Liv said, looking at Ed. 

“I was just trying to stop him from electrocuting himself,” Tucker said. “I grabbed him, and he started crying. He was scared of me, and he had been cranky all evening. I just couldn’t take it. I left. Barba was watching him.” 

“I asked you to watch him,” Liv said. “I understand you didn’t mean to hurt him, but you left. This is the second time, Tucker.” 

“So you’re just going to take his side,” Ed said. 

“No, I’m taking my son’s side,” Liv said. 

“Sure,” Tucker said. “I’m out of here. We’ll talk later.” He left again, and Liv turned to Rafael, sighing softly. 

“I didn’t like the way he grabbed him,” Rafael said. “It reminded me of my father, but I don’t think he meant any harm.” 

“He left, Rafa,” Liv said, shaking her head. She went and sat on the couch, tiredly pinching the bridge of her nose. She was so tired, and she could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. She felt the couch dip beside her. 

“Oh, Liv,” Rafael whispered. “Don’t cry.” He pulled her into a hug, her cheek mashed up against his chest as she dissolved into tears. He gently stroked his fingers through her hair, and she clung to him. Tucker couldn’t handle her son. He could seem to deal with him being cranky, and he wasn’t patient enough with Noah, and Liv just didn’t think they could make it work even though she had desperately wanted to. “You two can work this out. I really don’t think he meant to hurt Noah.” 

“I don’t want to work it out,” Liv whispered. Rafael stiffened. 

“What?” he asked. It was now or never. Liv pulled herself together, lifting her head to look him in the eyes. He was great with Noah, and she prayed to God that he’d been feeling the same way. There was no one better. Liv couldn’t keep living her life like this; too scared to make a move, so she was going to take a chance. She couldn’t bear the thought of missing out because she was too scared to try. 

“I don’t want Tucker,” Liv said. “I want you.” She cupped his cheek with her hand, leaning in, and his eyes went wide, his lips just parting as he let out a breath. She let him close the last of the distance, and then she was kissing him. It had been all she wanted for so long. His hand was soft in her hair, rubbing over her back, and she gripped at his shoulders as she pressed her tongue in his mouth. It was perfect, and it felt so right. It felt so much better than anything she could’ve dreamt. 

Rafael pulled back a little bit after a second and Liv let him. He was looking at her with scared eyes; they were shining with unshed tears. “Liv, I don’t want to ruin what you two have.” 

“You aren’t,” Liv whispered, running her thumb over his cheek. “I’ve been so stupid. Rafa, all I’ve ever wanted was you. I was running from that. Tucker was what I needed for a while, and I was happy, but I never loved him. I love you.” He kissed her again. 

“I’m scared,” Rafael whispered after he pulled back. His hand was still rubbing over her back. 

“I’m scared too, I don’t want to lose you,” Liv said, leaning her forehead against his. “But I can’t not give this a shot. I love you too much for that, Rafael.” 

“I kept trying to tell myself I needed to let go of you,” he whispered, tears dripping from his cheeks. “I was struggling so much with myself, with my feelings, but none of this was your fault.” He glanced down at his arms, and Liv looked at him with understanding. “We can talk about why I did what I did because I don’t want to keep secrets from you, but I want you to know it wasn’t your fault.” 

“Thank you for that, Rafa,” Liv whispered, still perilously close to him. Liv pulled him into a hug, and she felt Rafael absolutely melt against her, a soft sigh leaving his lips, and she had been noticing that more and more. He always leaned into her touches. There was this look that would cross his face, a look of bliss like he couldn’t believe someone was touching him so softly. Liv would hold his hand all day if it meant she was able to see that face. 

“Liv,” Rafael whispered, and she let him go. “I need you to please break up with Tucker. Soon. I don’t want to sneak around behind his back. I just want you and me, and I don’t want to worry about anything else.” 

“I know, you’re right. I’ll call him. Maybe I can go talk to him at his apartment,” Liv said softly. “He has to see this coming. Things have been falling apart.” Liv kissed him softly one more time. “I’m going to be back soon,” she murmured, brushing some hair away from his eyes. “We have lots to talk about, but you can feel free to call Rita and tell her you won’t need to stay in her guest room anymore.” He laughed softly, pulling her back for another kiss. It was like they were drunk on each other. They couldn’t get enough. Liv wanted to kiss him forever. 

“Now that I have you, I don’t want to let you go,” he whispered. “Even if you’re coming back soon.” Liv smiled. 

“I’ll be back in an hour, I promise,” she whispered. He nodded, letting out a soft breath before he kissed her one more time. He finally unhanded her, leaning back against the couch with a contented sigh. 

…………………...

Rafael was feeling antsy. Liv had been gone awhile, and he just wanted her to come back so he could kiss her again. It had felt better than he’d even imagined. Her lips were so soft, and he hadn’t kissed someone like that in a long time. He hadn’t felt so loved in a long time. He was half hard already and she’d barely touched him. He was pacing as he waited, hoping and praying she would be back soon. 

He was scared that she would realize this was all a mistake on her way to Tucker’s. He was scared that she wouldn’t want to be with him. He was scared that he wasn’t enough. He was scared that she didn’t really love him. He needed her back in his arms, promising him that she wasn’t going to leave him because so many people had. He needed her to promise that she wasn’t going to hurt him. He needed her. 

When he heard the door open, he turned around, and he saw her again. She smiled at him as she came closer, and he could feel his heart beating out of his chest. She kissed him again. He was clutching at her desperately with his good hand, and she kissed his breath away. Her hand right hand rested on his cheek, her left keeping him close where it curled around his waist. “I love you,” he whispered when she pulled back. 

“I love you too,” she whispered. Everything felt right for once. 

“Was he okay?” Rafael asked. 

“He took it well,” Liv murmured. “But I don’t want to talk about Tucker.” 

“You don’t?” Rafael asked softly, a smile playing at his lips as Liv’s fingers dipped just under the waistband of his sweatpants, stroking over the skin she found. 

“You wanna hear a secret?” Liv whispered, her face so close to his, her breath was warm on his lips. Rafael felt like he was in heaven, the feeling of skin against his own. 

“Yes,” he breathed. 

“When Tucker and I….I was thinking about you, about how you would feel. I should have done this so long ago,” Liv whispered. Rafael let out a little groan, and Liv crowded his space even more. She kissed his neck, and he let his head fall back. He felt like his knees were going to buckle as he held tight to her. His braced hand was resting on her shoulder, and he leaned into every touch. She was leaning kisses down his jaw, and he felt his breath catch in his throat as she found the spot that made him go weak. He could feel himself hardening rapidly. It was almost embarrassing. He hadn’t been touched like this in ages, not with all the feelings that were swirling around inside of him. 

He felt warm inside, and he knew that had to do with brain chemistry and the release of chemicals from human touch, but the happiness, the giddiness was almost too much for him. It felt so good, and Liv had barely done anything. Liv’s lips brushed his again, and he opened his mouth, their tongues dancing back and forth, increasing his arousal by the second. He moaned into her mouth, hips jerking against her leg. “Maybe we should move this to the bedroom?” Liv whispered. He nodded frantically. He glanced in the direction of Noah’s bedroom, and Liv redirected his eyes on her own. “He’s a heavy sleeper,” she whispered. He swallowed, but then, Liv was kissing him again, and they were heading back to the bedroom. Her hand was clutching at his ass, the other still on his hip as she steered him toward the bed. 

Liv was pulling at his Harvard shirt, lifting it over his head. Liv dragged her thumb over a dusty nipple, and Rafael arched into the touch, gasping. “You’re very vocal,” Liv whispered, and he blushed. “I like it,” she murmured as she mouthed over his earlobe. “And I like this flush.” His skin was reddened, down to the hollow of his neck and continuing to travel. 

“Liv,” he whispered. “I haven’t been touched like this in….in a very long time. I don’t know how long I can...I don’t know.” It was different when he cared about someone, like Liv. Every touch from her felt electric. His body was swimming with heat. 

“It’s okay,” Liv whispered. “No pressure. I won’t tease you too much. We have all night.” 

“I can’t undo your buttons,” he whispered, reaching uselessly for her shirt. 

“Let me lock the door, and then you can ogle all you want,” Liv murmured, kissing him once before standing up and walking to the door. Rafael eased himself back on the bed, leaning against the pillows. Liv stripped her shirt off on the way to the bed, and his eyes raked down her form, taking in her tanned skin. The moonlight glinted off her necklace, and he felt his heart swell; she was wearing it. He reached for the clasp of her bra with his good hand when she crawled up to straddle him. He managed to unhook after a few slips, and she took it off, letting him press his lips against the swell of her breasts. He drew a nipple into his mouth, and she threaded her fingers through his soft hair, arching into the heat. “Rafa,” she whispered, her mouth falling open. He reached up to give the other some attention with his good hand, and Liv kept brushing his hair back. It felt so good to be in her arms, to touch her, to worship her body the way she deserved. He didn’t have the energy or the stamina for too much foreplay; he’d been waiting for this moment for a long time. Liv tugged at his hair, lifting his face so she could slot their lips together. 

Her hand was curled around the back of his neck, steadying him as she kissed him, hard. She reached between their bodies, palming his bulge through his pants. He gasped into her mouth. Liv was fully focused on him, on his pleasure, and it made him feel emotional. He wanted to make her feel good. “Let’s get you out of these pants,” Liv murmured, and he lifted his hips to help her. She pulled them down his legs, letting them drop on the floor before stepping out of the rest of her own clothing. Rafael’s eyes were wide, looking at her as he panted. He couldn’t believe his luck. He’d never thought that Liv could actually love him back. He felt paralyzed as she crawled toward him once more, and he was more turned on than he ever remembered in his entire life. His breath caught in his throat when Liv curled her fingers around his thick erection, jerking him a few times as she watched his face. His eyes fluttered shut, his hips lifting as he pushed into her touch. 

Her grip was tight enough to have him worried again about lasting, but she didn’t tease him long, throwing her leg over his hips. He felt tears starting to drip down his cheeks, and Liv stopped, bringing a hand up to his face. “Are you alright? We can stop,” she whispered. 

“I’m fine,” he whispered. “I just love you.” 

“I love you too,” Liv promised as she reached between them to steady him. She was slow as she lowered herself onto him, and he was sure he’d never felt anything better. He let out a groan from deep in his chest, clutching at her with his good hand, and she wiped at his tears, kissing a few from his skin. Rafael could barely contain himself. Liv’s soft skin, the physical contact he’d been without for forever, it was almost too much to bear. Sure, he’d hooked up with a few guys here and there in the last few years, but it wasn’t really physical affection, and Liv was providing that in spades. His hips jerked when she started to move, still stroking the side of his face. 

“Liv,” he whispered, all of his emotions poured into her name. 

“I’ve got you,” she promised. “I’m right here.” Liv’s movements weren’t hurried, but Rafael could feel the pleasure climbing anyways. She was taking her time, feeling his body, leaving kisses on his skin, stroking her fingers through his hair, and he felt almost overwhelmed by the magnitude of his feelings. “When I was with Tucker, I kept thinking about you, about how beautiful you’d be. I’m not disappointed,” Liv whispered. “You’re all I wanted. You’re all I ever wanted.” 

“Liv,” he gasped, hand digging into her hip as she picked up the pace a little bit. “I’m still a mess Liv,” he whispered. “I-I don’t have much to offer you.” 

“I just need you,” she whispered. “It’s okay. I’m a mess too.” Her eyes were glistening with tears as well. Rafael clutched at Liv, his hips rising to meet hers now. Liv gently reached for his hands, bringing them closer. She traced her fingers over the scar on his right wrist. Her touch was soft, a stark contrast to the blade he’d used to make it. Her eyes were glued to his as she drew his wrist up to press her lips against it. He wanted to take his time and cover every scar etched into her skin with soft kisses to replace the pain, but he would save that for another night. He wanted time to make her feel loved. 

It was too heavy for words. Speaking felt like it would shatter the moment. Liv’s breath was labored, their skin hot and sticking together, and Rafael felt a whine rising in his throat. “Liv,” he murmured. “Liv, I-I can’t--I’m gonna, oh  _ fuuuck, _ ” he whispered against her shoulder, unable to stop himself. He had to warn her. They hadn’t used protection. 

“It’s okay,” Liv murmured by his ear. “You can come. It’s okay.” She stroked her hand over his damp hair, and he gasped, letting out a broken moan as he pulsed and rode out his orgasm. Liv worked him through it, pulling off of him, and he was gasping for breath. He sure as hell wasn’t going to leave her hanging though. He took one second to suck in air before he kissed her again. He managed to nudge her onto her back, settling between her legs, and she was looking down at him with dark eyes. He ran his hand over her smooth thighs. 

“Is this okay?” he asked softly. She swallowed heavily and nodded. 

“As long as its okay if I grab your hair,” Liv whispered. “I don’t think I can stop myself.” 

“That’s more than okay,” Rafael murmured, kissing down her thigh. He got to work, running his tongue through her folds, and she was stroking her fingers through his hair lovingly the whole time, her hips jerking against his face occasionally. He was talented, no less than she expected, and she couldn’t help but grab a fistful of his thick locks, yanking him closer until she was moaning his name and shuddering as she tried to stay quiet. 

Liv pulled him close afterward, holding him, and he threw a leg over hers, snuggling up close with this look of bliss on his face that she wanted to see forever. He needed the physical contact; that much was obvious to her, and she was going to give him whatever he needed. “Liv,” Rafael whispered. 

“Hmm, Rafa?” Liv whispered back. 

“I never want to move. This is perfect,” he whispered. She smiled, kissing the top of his head. 

“You and me,” Liv whispered. “We’re going to figure this all out.” 

………………….

“Are you sure you want me to go with you?” Liv asked, handing Rafael a plate of eggs. They were still figuring things out: the logistics of their relationship, but they both knew they were in love, and they both knew they were going to make it work. Rafael was in the midst of considering a job change once he was well enough to go back to work. They would miss seeing each other every day, but Rafael needed something a little bit less stressful. 

“I don’t want to hide things from you,” Rafael said. “I’m sure.” Liv nodded. She was going to go to his appointment with Lindstrom. Rafael had a lot of things he wanted to say to her. A lot of things he needed to say. He was still a mess, and his emotions were all over the place, but Liv was supporting him so much. To have that support behind him from her and Rita and Carisi; it meant the world. 

He was working as hard as he could to get better. He wanted to be happy. He wanted to be there for Liv and for Noah, and there were days when he could tell that he would eventually get there. He and Noah got along great which was a miracle. He hadn’t even been very comfortable with kids, but somehow Noah had overlooked his ineptitude and loved him despite it like only a child could. Being Noah’s father was too intimidating at the moment, but he wanted it more than anything. He wasn’t capable in his current emotional state, but it was something he was going to work up to. It was something they were going to work up to. 

When Rafael finished eating, Liv took the plate for him, washing it, and then Lucy was there to watch Noah. Rafael was nervous during the car ride, and Liv rubbed her hand up and down his thigh, trying to keep him calm. Some of the things he was going to say were upsetting, and he hoped that he wouldn’t hurt Liv by saying them. Lindstrom thought it would be good for him to talk about it. 

When Lindstrom called them back, Rafael took a seat with Liv at his side, and Lindstrom smiled at them. “How are you two?”

“Good,” Rafael said. “We’ve been talking a lot.” 

“Talking is good,” Lindstrom said. “If you’re going to go ahead with a relationship, especially right now, you’re going to have to be very careful to be honest with each other. I think this is a big step for you, Rafael.” Rafael was ready to tell her what had happened, starting with his father. He needed her to know that what happened wasn’t her fault. He needed her to know that she had been the one to save him. It was a step they could take together toward healing. 

……………….

Liv was sitting on the couch, stroking her fingers through Rafael’s hair as he laid down, his head in her lap. He was asleep after a bit of a rough day, but they had handled it together. She could see the progress he was making, and she was doing her best to encourage him every time she saw a positive sign. It was hard to see him struggle, and sometimes he would pull away because he was ashamed, but they were working through it. 

Liv stroked the nape of his neck, scratching his back as she watched the tv. She felt him shift around. “Morning sleepy head,” she whispered. He hummed softly. He finally looked up at her with bleary eyes, and he smiled. He crawled up, pressing a kiss to her lips. 

“I promised you dinner,” Rafael whispered. “I’m sorry.” 

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Liv promised, kissing him again. 

“This is all I ever wanted,” Rafael whispered, his green eyes glossy with tears. “I thought I was helping you in the long run when I tried to kill myself. I thought I was helping myself. Thank you for saving me from my own stupidity.” 

“That’s my job,” Liv whispered. “Come on, let’s go to bed.” 

They changed and brushed their teeth in companionable silence, and once they’d climbed in bed, Rafael’s arm thrown over Liv’s waist, their legs tangled up, his chest pressed up against her back, Liv spoke up. 

“Rafa,” she whispered. 

“Hmm,” he asked. 

“This is all I ever wanted too,” she whispered, and he smiled, feeling her fingers tracing over the scar on his wrist, replacing the hurt with their love. 


End file.
